Little Blue Jay's Journal

[woodsgnome]

Well said, Little Blue Jay. So often these emotions are buried so deep, and then something spontaneous, like the tears you mentioned, are all of a sudden there, even when least expected. Nothing dramatic, just there -- and perhaps it's enough to somehow create some little, hidden relief. A hidden relief which, in turn, can actually be the best kind.

As for ebbs and flows, while they can trouble our equanimity, they're also reflective of this saying I've always felt comforted by: "It's okay not to feel okay". Not sure I remembered that exactly, but I think the sentiment expressed carries the message that this journey can be, and often is, cyclical and unclear, but we'll be alright.

[Armee]

 

The tears are important and that you were able to let them flow through you is positive! Your career on top of cPTSD would be exhausting alone. Adding on a challenge of relying on a medical device to live...just hugs to hold you up through the exhaustion and to carry you through from one peak of joy and ease to the next.

[littlebluejay]

It's been so long since I've been on this forum. I honestly forgot about it for some time. I was doing well for a while, but something has changed in me the last couple of months. I've walked through a lot of hard things with both my physical and mental health, but the darkness caused by cPTSD overshadows them all.
I went back and reread some of the comments you left on my last entries. Truly, this community is so kind. It was actually your comments that I remembered that brought me back to this forum. Then I was thinking, that genuine compassion for strangers is probably something many of us have in common. We feel really deeply. I have spent my whole life wanting to make sure others don't feel this pain, and I'm sure others of you would say the same. I also wonder if the pain hits us harder because we feel so deeply. The world is heavy for those of us who feel the pain of others in ourselves, especially when it's compounded with our own pain.
I spent my whole life pouring myself into caring for my sisters. I am a classic parentified child. Should I have been parentified starting at a very young age? No. But was it necessary? Would I go back and remove myself from the picture? No, I wouldn't, because my sisters needed me. They will always come before me. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm still here is because if I was gone, my sisters would never recover. I could never put them through that. I try to keep things civil with my mother for many reasons, but they are a big reason. Everything I do or don't say to my mother puts them at risk for her wrath. It's a huge responsibility and I hate that I have it, but I do it for them. Why do we always give? Why do we have to feel so deeply? Why do we have to care so much?
I'm trying to dig myself out of the darkness right now. I've done it before and I'll do it again. But right now it's just hard, and I know many of you are sitting in the hard with me.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that life is hard right now. I'm glad you have come here to receive support.

[littlebluejay]

Today was a better day. Life felt a little more bearable. I definitely don't feel ecstatic about life, but I can maybe tolerate it? I hope I can get back to a place where life feels beautiful again. I know I'll get there.
In the meantime, I'm taking walks in the park. I'm cuddling my cats. I'm trying to stay connected to people I love (but that feels very hard right now). I'm studying for a huge exam I have on Thursday! I am hoping that after Thursday I'll start to feel a little more like myself again. Studying for it has been quite exhausting and I'm hoping I pass on the first try so I can put it behind me forever!
I keep finding myself stressed about future things. I need to just stay in the moment. But isn't that hard? Some of these things are 10 years out. My mom has been saying for 7 years she was going to move back to her hometown in 2023. She is set to move and me and my sisters are relieved she will be further away. Now my sisters and I want to end up in the same city together once they finish college. But my mom is saying in 10 years she wants to move to where we are to be close to "her girls" and "her grand babies" (that are completely nonexistent, btw). It's so sad because my sisters and I decided if that will be the case, we're going to have to split so she doesn't follow us. Of course we are hoping she'll just make a home and community for herself in the town she is moving to. But will I ever stop running from my mom? It's such a burden on me. Also, she wants all the sisters to meet in her hometown this summer after she moves. My oldest sister will be flying in from London so of course I want to go see her. Also, if I don't go, it's going to cause all sorts of drama we don't have the emotional capacity for. But she wants to get family pictures. Family pictures?! She's not even divorced from my dad but they'd be without him. Also I don't want to pretend we are some happy family, because we're not. My mom is just completely blind to it.
But there I go again, worrying about things that aren't right now. I need to just make it through my exam, then finding a job, then.. then.. and eventually, maybe I can figure some of these things out. I wish my mind wasn't always spinning.

[Not Alone]

With the stuff I'm dealing with in life, I have pictured myself on a path at night. The only part of the path that I can see is where the flashlight is shining, my next step. I can't see any further than that. I draw a picture of a flashlight in my journal and write what I need to do for this day. Some days it helps me to only focus on what is in the "flashlight zone." Sometimes it helps and sometimes I'm thinking about everything going on now and fears of the next decade!

I hope your exam goes well.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you Notalone for that visual. That is helpful and I've already starting practicing it.

I had my big exam today. I think it went well. I won't know if I passed for 2 weeks. I will be trying to fill the time until I get the results back.

My mom called today to vent to me about my dad. I have asked her multiple times to not do this, each time ending in a serious rage that has left me wounded. I wonder why I even try to set boundaries. They are never respected and they only end up hurting me. She just goes on and on about how awful my dad is with no insight into her own behavior. She talks about how awful he is to her but everything she describes of him she does to her children regularly. I don't question that my dad can have a temper, and I've also seen how she manipulates and is awful to him my whole life, so I have little compassion for her. Which I wish I did, I'm sure she is hurting but I get so tired of this. She also just calls and cries and screams on the phone to me about my dad all the time, without changing anything. She's been saying she's divorcing him for 5 years now but they actually have made no progress. She has been saying she will split from the business from him for 3 years but hasn't. She still calls to chastise him regularly. It has taken such a toll on me. I am put in the position of being counselor over daughter every day. I am expected to be my mom's counselor but to never question her or disagree with her. If I disagree with her she because verbally and emotionally abusive. I had a situation like this last week. I want out so bad.

But my experience with boundaries is that they don't work, and just damage me more. So I sit and nod my head and try to express compassion. But it is so hard, especially when I'm fighting my own battles.

[littlebluejay]

I've spent some time this evening organizing and cleaning. With my studying and low mood, my home has gotten messy. I hope that I can keep up the motivation to finish cleaning and that, hopefully, it'll make my mind feel calmer and more organized, too.

I'm thankful that I completed my licensing exam yesterday. I have to wait two weeks to get my scores but I'm hopeful I passed and just want to put it behind me. I started a clinical trial for a new medication to help with a physical condition I have, and I'm excited to give back to medical research and hope I'll get some results. I'm very thankful to live in a time where new studies are being done every day on even the most bizarre conditions. I also went to work. I work for a young woman who has a disability in her home. Her family has become my family and I am thankful for that. I really am thankful for a lot and have a lot working in my favor. But man, this loneliness is hard. This depression (I think is what it is) seems so unbearable. I wonder how I can live within both--the thankfulness, relief, and hope... and the utter darkness. With all this, I do feel like I'm just going through the motions. I go to appointments and to work and to testing centers and it all is okay, but there is still this veil between me and it. I come home and I just want to curl up in a ball and not think. I don't really understand how my brain can work this way. I want it to be better.

My mom called me today and said, "You never call me. It's always me calling you. This is a very lopsided relationship." Everything in me tensed up. I was afraid she was going to get mean. She didn't though, but I think she's annoyed with me I'm not the one to initiate calls. Also she has no idea how lopsided our relationship is. I feel bad for that. And I do avoid calling her. But she calls me so much anyways I wouldn't think she'd notice. She will call me upwards of 7 times a day. And every time she calls I get panicked. Also does she really think I'd want to call her after the things she said to me last week? I don't understand, and it all makes me sad.

[Not Alone]

Your mom is putting a lot of burdens on you that you should not have to bear.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you for your replies, Notalone  I appreciate it.

I kind of wonder what I'm doing on this forum. I question if the trauma is valid at all or if I am making this all up. It was very helpful last summer but now I am comparing and feel like a fake. I'm just so desperate for community, and a place where I am understood. But currently I feel like I'm just speaking to a blank wall and my feelings and thoughts are void of purpose.

[Armee]

Not that it's an envious club, but from what I've read of your posts, your experiences are those which cause complex ptsd. I'm sorry for that. The mind games of the types of parents most of us have endured - including you - are deeply traumatizing. I've had both as have many others - "big T" single events and the more insidious and subtle relational traumas. The doubt is part of the damage that was inflicted.

Many or all of us at some points have felt like we don't belong here, our traumas are made up or not that bad, we're not doing something right etc. For me personally I've found the validation offered from other sufferers to be very healing. At the same time we are all that - fellow sufferers and can only give what we have to give at any given moment, which isn't always a lot. That's another beauty of this forum that's been healing for me is there are no expectations, for how you post, where ypu post, or how often you come and go.  Use it as it's helpful for you.

The depression is hard and the conflicting feelings of gratitude can be confusing but I experience both at the same time. For me, maybe for you, it was a sign that I was reacting to the past in the present. It felt like it was about the present but actually it was not.

Gentle hugs to you if that's helpful. And my fingers are crossed for your exam results! Good luck!

[littlebluejay]

Thank you, Armee, for your kind response. And for validating my experience. It really means more than I can express, and I am thankful.

Things have looked up some. I'm not in quite as dark a place as I was. I visited my family for the weekend which is always a mix of good and bad. I watched my younger sister as she performed in her final high school performance, as she is graduating in a couple weeks. That was pure joy. Everything I do is for her. I love her more than life itself... something I hear parents say about their children a lot. She is my world. If anything good came out of the way I was parentified, it's that I love and care for my sisters fiercely, and in many ways, they keep me going.

My mom was in pretty good space, which can be very confusing for me. Her sister had recently had a huge rage in which my mom and sister felt the brunt of it. It's so interesting hearing my mother talk about her, because everything she says my sisters and I have also said about my mom. Sorry that sounds confusing. It's just interesting to see how much my aunt is like my mother, and interesting to hear my mother process through it. My mom and grandmother have said they think my aunt could have BPD. And those who know my mom intimately also have said that about my mom. It's weird that she can recognize it in her sister but cannot recognize that she is the exact same way. It was a bit triggering for me hearing her talk about it.

I thankfully saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I had been holding out for that appointment. I love my psychiatrist. She adjusted my antidepressant but also talked through some ways I can find community. I go to a small church with a much older population. I love the church but she suggested I find one that has some people my age, and maybe has a young adults group and/or children's ministry I can volunteer with. She also suggested I try out a Celebrate Recovery. My first thought was that wouldn't apply to me because I've never struggled with addiction. But she explained that it's so much more than an addiction recovery group. Does anyone reading this have experience? I'm not sure I want to try it, but maybe. I have a history of an eating disorder which they address, but I've been in recovery for 4 years now so it doesn't affect me so much. It's mostly the effects of relational trauma that really affect me these days.

My mom also just told me about a position that is hiring at a rural hospital in my hometown. She is moving back there this summer and encouraged me to look into the job. There is part of me that really wants to look into it just because I'm so lonely right now, and I have some old friends and lots of people I love in that town. But I know I cannot live in the same town as my mom. It's confusing though because she was okay this weekend. And I know I'd see my sisters a lot more if I lived there. It makes me sad because I just feel so torn. But I know I can't entertain the idea, because it wouldn't be good for me to live so close to my mom. It can be deceiving when she's in an okayish space.

[littlebluejay]

I was right about that job in my hometown not being good for me. My mom asked me what I was thinking about it the next day (yesterday), and I told her I decided to not pursue that right now. I want to stay in the city I'm in. The result of that was 1 hour and 50 minutes of her lecturing/manipulating/guilting me. It was honestly really awful. She kept saying, "If roles were reversed and you were a single mom in a new city I would drop everything to move to where you are and help you." And "I must've taught you to value adventure more than family." And "Someday you're going to realize everything I do for you, and you're going to regret not helping me. But I'll probably be on my deathbed before you realize that. And who knows...I could be hit by a Mac truck today so you should realize it now." I felt very confused during the conversation because she kept saying how much she needed me. She needs me because she is going to be lonely and need someone to talk to, and she needs me to help take care of my little sis. (She's a teenager but developmentally disabled. I've offered many, many times to have my sister come live with me but my mom won't entertain the idea. She wants me to move in with them and help her take care of her that way). But then my mom would go on to say, "I was just thinking how proud I would be to have you working in the hospital with me. I would be SO PROUD." It was confusing because I want to be wanted, but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit. I can't reconcile the two.

The part about me valuing adventure more than family also really hurt. I have given everything for my family. I raised her children and they are my world. I have offered to become the full-time caregiver for my little sis. I do everything she asks, to a fault. Also living in this city isn't an "adventure." I live in a boring city but I love it, it is my home now.

There was so much more to this conversation. So much manipulation. But the thing is... I still feel incredibly guilty. I left that conversation feeling like I was in the wrong. I should be there to help my mom. I should give up everything and move there to be with her and to help with my sister. After all, she is right, she does do a lot for me. I still feel guilty.

But I know that choosing to stay where I am is what I need. Even if I'm lonely here. The conversation proved that I was making the right decision.

I just so wish I could get rid of the guilt.

[Not Alone]

I hope I'm not overstepping. What your mom said was very manipulative. I wish I could pluck the lies and guilt away from you, but I know it is not that easy.

but then it also sounds like she just wants me for her benefit.

Heartbreaking, but probably correct.

[Armee]

Hey my mom put me through similar manipulations. You've done everything and more.  You aren't wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about, that type of person just forces that on us. It's really difficult and mindbending. When my mom was still alive I described the feeling she engendered in me as explode-y, like all the feelings all at once in a chaos of confusion about what was happening and why and maybe I really was wrong and bad etc. It was a horrible feeling and so I'll just agree with you that yes you are making the right decision and yes, the guilt is vicious.