I now know im not just perpetually confused or in my head I think I have CPTSD

[Sasha2727]

what a confusing time for me,
                 
                                    Like many people I have read about here I have been just kind of wandering around the past few years in a state of either hyperactivity,depression,confussion, or being in love. My memory of childhood is almost non exsistant and my memory of my early 20s is the same, actually my memory of yesterday isnt that great either. my days go from intense focus on work and how to improve on the job , to endless hours of almost compulsive researching psychology stuff online. Its very odd because although I have read about slelective amnesia it never occured to me that I myself couldnt remember much of childhood. I do remember some things , embarrisment because my mother went into a rage outside of the safety of our own home. Paper air plain suicide notes flown down the stairs at me and brother on one occasion. The mental breakdown on Thanksgiving where we spent all day in a car watching her try to scream kick and punch her way into my step fathers thanksgiving dinner. I remember little promises I had to make to be loyal and times when I was forced to admit I was lying or trying to manipulate her when I was infact telling the truth or trying to express a feeling. I suppose I was the " golden child " .

Now it seems as though my life is nothing but fragments, I have had great times of success! getting big raises at work because I like being at work! Its a distraction from the veque sense that I am " about to be in trouble " that I always carry around. I lost 80-LBS after my first break up with a N SO  things seemed to be going great until I started turning all the healthy stuff into unhealthy ways to beat myself up if I didnt do it correctly. Funny thing is that wasnt actually me doing the yelling but it was in my head, it was that inner critic! it shames me tells not to leave the house on my days off. It tells me that no one could ever stay with me and that they all think im over sensitive and crazy! I never realised it was happening but as soon as I start to feel certain emotions get to the point where I might show them outwardly I get really spacey and on the outside I appear distant but on the inside im just very foggy and anxious. its like some emotion is off in the distance and so is reality, I try to maintain myself and listen to who ever is having a conversation with me but I cant hear them! My days off are anxious I dont understand how someone could spend an entire day off pretty much just spacing out... Im not sleeping, im just kind of vegging out OR im cleaning but very jittery, if not cleaning fast then researching whatever online at hyperspeed! Then my girlfriend gets home from work and Im just consumed in her and the kids. I have dreams , I feel like they led me hear and they tell me what to do next or maybe its not what im supposed to do but what my mind is doing right now.

  anyway I am really sure im at the right place but kind of afraid lol then again kind of afraid or anxious describes most of my whole life so....  anyway just looking for support and hopefully some people to relate to. Im sorry of all of this sounded negative, my hope is to change my core beliefs and do the inner child work.

[Kizzie]

Hey Sasha, welcome to OOTS and please don't feel at all sorry for what you posted.  You can absolutely talk about how you're really feeling here, that's the reason most of us are here - to talk about things we weren't allowed to talk about as children and then stuffed down as adults.  All that "residual goo" as one of our members so aptly named it tends to keep seeping out though, despite our best efforts to push it back down (i.e,. feeling foggy or dissociated, overworking, constantly "doing" to distract oneself). It's really us letting ourselves know we need to open up and let a bit of light shine on the darker corners. 

I had/have a LOT of amnesia and only fragments of time too Sasha and a very harsh inner critic and ongoing inner dialogue that makes it hard to really listen to others as do many of us here. I also kept very busy over the years too and it helped in some ways, but made my life very narrow in others and I sense you are finding that as well.  So you are in good company and coming here is a good thing - you'll find that everyone just gets it and can offer you a lot of insight from their experiences with CPTSD, information, support and encouragement.

If you haven't already done so, please read over the Member Guidelines, and perhaps tell us a bit more about your experience with CPTSD if you're comfortable doing so. For example, have you or are you seeing a therapist?

Again welcome and I hope you find what you are looking for here 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Sasha,

it didn't sound negative, it sounded familiar, at least the last half of what you wrote (my FOO is very different from yours). Sorry that you had to go through all that. I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like. The disassociation, however, is really really familiar.

[bheart]

Hello Sasha,
Welcome to the forum.  Thank you for sharing as I too can relate to much of what you wrote.  I'm sorry for what you have gone through.  I find it very comforting to have support from people who understand the issues we are experiencing and that you will find here.

[Sasha2727]

Thank you! All of you!!! My whole adult life has just been spent in my head, weighing it out whatever it is... I have been trying to hold it together and I kept just thinking " what's wrong with me, lots of people had bad childhoods and they are fine, so why can't I stop feeling sorry for myself " everytime I had the slightest objection to the way things ran around the house in childhood that's what I was told " your just feeling sorry for yourself " I was taught that pretty much everything about me was " sin " and if I didn't do what I was told god wouldn't love me and would punish me! Really I now understand the " gods " opinion of things was her opinion of things.... I watched her call my brothers " f#^*in little monsters " and I was a " little b!:() " if I didn't go along with whatever she wanted. Even now typing this a sense of " am I exaggerating this to get attention " comes over me. That's what I was told everytime I tried to inject a little sanity into a clearly unhealthy situation I was told I was making things up in order to gain sympathy and that me And brother where intentionally doing the chores " the wrong way " to provoke her because we had a secret agenda to make her angry so that she would hit us and go to jail for child abuse. I heard that phrase over and over as a child " I'm not afraid to go to jail for child abuse " screaming it at us. Her eyes would turn black!

I am sorry for going into detail but it's my birthday today and I just want to cry... I thought by 27 I would be out of there and happy go lucky! For about two years now I've just been pissed at myself for not getting over it yet! You know everyone always says I'm too hard on myself ... Just once I want to say outloud the thoughts I think because no thoughts where ever excepteble at home, I feel she must have known on some level that we wherent right because if my brother and I ever protested she just interrogated us with tons of questions until it became confusing as to what was actually the initial thought. I feel sad because he got it differently, I was totally enmeshed in her ... I was like carbon copy until about 21. I acted in a self righteous hypocritical manner, telling anyone that would listen about " gods love " except that it was all just hateful garbage. Then at 21 I started going to collage... Keep in mind I had no clue that she had anything more then a " temper problem " then and I actually thought that she was justified! I thought that my wonderful step father and innocent brother where troubled people who just treated her badly my step dad tried to get us out but she had us so afraid that we never showed signs of abuse. Some teachers could tell but it wasn't the kind of abuse that left marks so...

Anyway my first gf ( I am gay btw which is one part of why I'm here I'll bring it all full circle sorry I'm rambling but I need help and advice!) seemed like a god send at first! That's the first time someone ever told me that it seemed like I was dissococisted , she was not a god send and after the. " idealize phase " things got very bad but instead of leaving I just sort of fell into a state of trance and anytime I tried to tell a friend about what happened I couldent! I could only ever rember either everything I said or everything she said!!! Made arguing hard because she gas-lighted me often and I was so damn foggy that how could I stick with my original thoughts on things? Anyway my mother harped on " those homos " my whole childhood I feel intense guilt and shame I rember bet constantly obsessing about " am I gay " in childhood terrified of the answer! After much crying and crazy making behavior on my first gf's part ( she was about as narcissistic as one can get ) and struggling with just wanting to die due to my gayness I went to a therepists .

It was life saving ! She told me about codependent no more and confirmed no I wasn't crazy! Yes I was the parent as a child and yes I was reliving it all over with this gf . After months of crying and a shoulder injury that I now believe was my body being so tense for so long it just snapped on me, I left her and damn I thought I was gold! I lost a bunch of weight and honestly started get very narcissistic my damn self! But it lasted a time then the punishing inner critic came back and I just got isolated, got obbsessive about running got drunk and would work like a mad women all week to then feel suffocated and worn down Friday night but I couldn't rest! Quiet is not an option because the punisher lives in me and when it's quiet I can hear the screaming that I'm not good enough, that I'm not gay just faking it, that there all going to leave me , no one could ever love such a failure. I didn't realize at the time that my own head was saying that!

Ok sooooooo skip to now.... After going back and forth between being the rescuer and victim for a few yeArs I went to AA! Man they where awesome, except I honestly wasn't drinking lol I just related to them so I went for a while! Got to step 3 realised I felt god was out to get me and make me pay. So I went to another shrink to get in touch with god! That didn't work , it did help manage daily stress but I knew I wasn't healing like the first time I was kind of coping, I see now I was actually strengthining the " fight " mode. I was disassociated for all the sessions, of course I wasn't healing! In an act of desperation i went to see this " prayer " lady, I was shaking and crying so scared of judgment from her but honestly she just gave me some prayers and told me that I had god all wrong. That god was love and stuff. So I prayed these prayers for self deception and BAM the dreams started! All the sudden I was reading about triangulation and the being the golden child and knowing " omg this is real " realizing that my randomly dropping cups or tripping was not what I thought! That I was checking out in order to recreate old patterns or to hide from them... Anyway my dreams they lead me to the next step but now I'm having flashbacks of old nightmares , I think these nightmares where when I started disassociating! I will say somthing and get goosebumps over my whole body! People have seen it! I will feel an emotion start to surface from being triggered and then my critic starts yelling at me! Then my inner child says " don't cry don't cry you'll upset her " and poof I'm gone! I'm still me but I can't think right , I can't concentrate , I get clumsy , and my girlfriend says my I get a look like I'm thinking really hard about somthing and hang my head. My gf now is not abusive to clairify. She's really nice and loving! Anyway, I want to continue seeing this prayer women b/c it's clearly working, but I know she thinks I'm only gay because of my past, she thinks that because I was emotionally incested by my mom. Now keep in mind religion was a big part of my toxic upbringing so I was raised being told that gay ppl just where needing a mother or father.... You can see my issue??? The praying has unblocked things no question but I can't fully trust the prayer women because she openly said to me " it's not my job to judge you but to help you seek gods truth for you and you have no idea yet who you are, god will give you a good husband if you just keep with this. " well I want to recover! I want to be present! But I don't want a damn husband lol I don't want god take take my gay! It was * coming out! * inside of me and * outside of me! So I was just wondering if anyone had any advice? I'm trying to change my core beliefs now by saying positive affrimations and praying the prayers.... I know they work because I had no clue I was doing this stuff until I started praying them....    I am so sorry for this long long post but it's my birthday and it feels so good just to put it all out there! Hopefully now I can just have a low pressure day with no triggers!!! Not sure it's possible because talking about my bday is a trigger really... Stressful to have had to preform and pretend I wasn't scarred out of mind at the surprise party's I used to have. Sick my mom either was in her room crying or raging on us or on the phone screaming at someone our whole lives yet she always me surprise party's lol way to put on a show mom...

[Kizzie]

Hey Sasha, I hope this doesn't trigger you any more than you already are but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday and send you a  , you sound like you could really use it today. 

I think you may have just given yourself the biggest, best birthday present you could ever have - you put your truth out there for you and us to see.  I know it hurts and you are probably feeling really drained, but this is your way out of living in your head and in pain, and we are here to support and encourage you.

I'm not quite sure what to say about the woman who is helping you with praying as I see the conundrum you are facing - the prayers are helping but her core beliefs don't correspond to yours.  Is there someone else in your area perhaps who doesn't see your orientation as problematic and will help you with the religious/spiritual guidance you would like? 

My birthday wish for you  is that the rest of the day is pleasant, that you can relax and perhaps go out for a nice dinner with your GF (great that she is loving by the way) or snuggle up and watch a show/movie, and most of all to feel proud of yourself that you have reached out and are taking some good self-care steps out of the storm that is CPTSD.   

[schrödinger's cat]

Happy birthday, Sasha. I'm sorry that this day is such an emotional minefield for you. But IMO it's good that you came here and unburdened yourself of it. After all, that's a way of taking care of yourself, and it's a way of telling your side of the story, so congratulations to that!

Even now typing this a sense of " am I exaggerating this to get attention " comes over me.

Hah, I know that sense. Am I exaggerating, is this just me, maybe I'm just over-sensitive, bla bla bla. A few weeks ago, I read this text on emotional abuse. http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/  There's one sentence in particular that really made me think:

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept.

There's more than one website for survivors of domestic abuse that also uses the term "brainwashing" in connection with emotional abuse. Seeing it like that was a bit of an eye-opener. It made a lot of sense, given what I know of my own experiences. I'm so crap at trusting my own perceptions, even my own memories. Well, this is probably why. Being brainwashed means one can deprogram oneself. (I hope.) From what I read here, that seems to be mainly a question of changing one's habit of thoughts... again and again and again, thousands of times... but I read that it does get easier over time.

Also, thinking of my family as a totalitarian regime makes me laugh, so there's that.

Here's a text you might find interesting. http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm I haven't read it yet, but the author has CPTSD himself, so he knows what he's talking about. There are many other texts on CPTSD on his website, by the way. He explains how a toxic inner critic is created, how it functions, and how to get rid of it. Simply just knowing that has already made it easier for me to recognize emotional flashbacks while they're happening.

Your experiences with AA reminded me of something Kizzie posted today, let me see if I can find it... Got it. She wrote it in the "Books" thread about a book on healing toxic shame. That book apparently heavily leans on the Twelve Steps Programme. Turns out many CPTSD survivors find the Twelve Steps a bit tricky. Kizzie quotes the workbook "Surviving to Thriving" from the Australian web site "Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse (http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php):

While many ideas represented in 12-Step programs may be valuable for survivors of child abuse, some are not. In particular, many survivors have difficulty with the idea of "surrendering to a higher power." The challenge for many survivors is to find the power to change within oneself, not in an outside source. This is related to the fact that, for most survivors, the source of power and control was always located outside of themselves, in their parent or other abuser.

To find the power to change from within is to break old, persistent patterns. Some survivors also have problems with some 12-Step programs' recurring themes of forgiveness, blame and misplaced responsibility. 12-Step programs start with the belief that the individual has committed wrongs, is responsible for those wrongs and must make amends to others for those wrongs. These beliefs are not particularly applicable to survivors of child abuse. Adult survivors were abused as children. As children, they had no control or choice over the abuse, and it was not their fault that the abuse occurred. The abuse was the doing of another person (or persons), and many adult survivors do not feel that they should make amends for behavior that was not their responsibility and over which they had no control.

So if you found the AA concepts triggering, it looks like you're not the only one.

About god being out to get you - my god is also modelled on my parents. My guess is that it's only natural to confuse our experiences with "authority" and "care-givers" with what we think god is like. And of course, your mother constantly misused his name. She seems to have brainwashed you into equating god with her and her with god. No bloody wonder you feel disquieted by the very idea of him now. Who wouldn't! Also, given how erratic this woman must be, it's not really surprising either that surprise parties make you jumpy. She's spoiled quite a few good things for you that way. I'm hoping you'll be able to reclaim them one day, but seriously, for now, I couldn't blame you if you demanded thirty weeks advance notice for EVERY surprise party.

I hope you had a pleasant day in spite of all this. You seem to have come a long way already. I hope the next year of your life is going to be a good year for you. Happy birthday!    

[Rrecovery]

Hi Sasha and welcome   

I'm so sorry you have suffered so much - my heart goes out to you.  I agree with Kizzie that finding a different spiritual friend - one that is not trying to tell you who you are - would probably be a good idea.  It came to me to suggest that you read, "Eat Pray Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert.  It's warm-hearted, funny and dear and presents a different perspective on God and prayer.  Not saying it's "the answer" or "the" truth just another perspective that might help you to be open to a different perspective; one that presents God as loving and non-judgmental.  I have also experienced "spiritual abuse" so it has been important for me to heal spiritually too.  For me I like to keep in mind that nobody knows what God is really like - It is a mystery beyond words I believe.  Still, I do find prayer helpful.  I wish you all the best and am glad you are here