interview triggers

[tea-the-artist]

i don't know if this goes here i'm in ef right now so i'm to just sum up the texts i sent my t and friend


feeling really triggered, thought this job would be good but it seemed different and more than what i thought. the manager questioned my capability to manage this new work and illustrating and i felt so incoherent and scrambling and incompetent even though i keep being told i'm good enough for this role by my friend who's trying to recruit me for it and other friends. his questions reminded me of my dad doubting my potential as an artist and doubting my potential success.

i feel like it would be bad both ways, if i get the job i will immediately prove i'm not good enough and faking my confidence, and if i don't it'll prove that i was never good enough and i should have just stayed in these part time guest service roles.

my t just texted we could meet tonight so i'm going to do that but i feel so * embarrassed and it's not that i know i shouldn't, I just feel the shame from trying to prove that I can do more new or challenging things even though that still scares me

[rainydiary]

Tea, interviews and EFs can be the worst.  I have had some interviews where the body language and words of interviewers really triggered me and I left in EFs. 

With some distance and reflection, I see now that those situations were off putting to me for different reasons and I'm not sure they would have been the right place for me.  I, of course, blamed myself instead of people that were really not managing their own stuff when they interviewed me. 

Of course, things have gone the other way where nothing about the interview triggered me, but something deep down was saying "NNOOOO don't do this" and I ignored it because I needed a job. 

It is tough to sort out the trauma response, what is actually going on with that particular job, and taking healthy risks to try something new. 

I hope that you find some ease and what feels right for you moving forward. 

[Kizzie]

Job interviews were something that triggered me deeply too Tea. For me it was the feeling of being judged and found wanting.  It was also feeling the imposter syndrome, like I didn't have any real skills and knowledge, I was just faking it. We know where all that comes from. It was instilled in us by our parents/abusers so we were kept compliant and feeling inferior.

We're not those things though Tea and having followed your posts I know that's true of you. You may be ready for new challenges and just have to put those voices where they belong - in the garbage. Or you made need some time to prepare with the help of your T and maybe even a professional.  My son did that for medical school and it was an enormous help. 

Whatever happens Tea, please be kind to yourself.  We do not need to feel shame because of our reactions to stress, but we do and that's something we need to unlearn.   

[tea-the-artist]

With some distance and reflection, I see now that those situations were off putting to me for different reasons and I'm not sure they would have been the right place for me.  I, of course, blamed myself instead of people that were really not managing their own stuff when they interviewed me.

rainy and kizzie i've since talked to my T and friends more and also came to that realization too. the questioning reminded me of the gaslighting (and embarrassment/shame) my dad did to me when it came to trying something new, like I wasn't good enough. I realized the manager asked justifiable questions for him and his company's benefit. I could sense the trigger was going to happen but it didn't come out until after the interview too.

Job interviews were something that triggered me deeply too Tea. For me it was the feeling of being judged and found wanting.  It was also feeling the imposter syndrome, like I didn't have any real skills and knowledge, I was just faking it. We know where all that comes from. It was instilled in us by our parents/abusers so we were kept compliant and feeling inferior.

We're not those things though Tea and having followed your posts I know that's true of you. You may be ready for new challenges and just have to put those voices where they belong - in the garbage. Or you made need some time to prepare with the help of your T and maybe even a professional.  My son did that for medical school and it was an enormous help. 

Whatever happens Tea, please be kind to yourself.  We do not need to feel shame because of our reactions to stress, but we do and that's something we need to unlearn.   

thank you both seriously for your support. imposter syndrome and past gaslighting really put me in an intense ef. going to look to my therapist for more ef work to continue working on closing the gap between trigger-ef-calm down. i'm unsure I feel about the interview but the reaction made me feel like that might not be the place to go right now.

[Kizzie]

   Sounds like you're listening to your self Tea