Hope's Journal: 2022

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Hope, good to see you again.
"'You can't get through to a sobbing child until they have calmed down."   Mmmm, this was very powerful to read. it's so true, and I don't always think of my inner child being like that. Good to try to remember.
I also resonated with your timeline work. I've done similar stuff while writing, and it really does help place things for me and make some things make more sense, especially with moving around so much as a kid.

[sanmagic7]

hope, your healing process is really progressing.  what a lot of revelations you're dealing with.  i know i get triggered often by instances that present themselves in movies or tv shows, too, and it can be very powerful (after i am able to get thru the processing of it) as a way to realize some things about myself and having new feelings come up that weren't available to me before.  you're showing lots of courage here.

so glad you were able to write about what's going on w/ your parts.  i don't find it silly that some parts are grieving while others can laugh.  i think w/in the scheme of my own trauma experiences, while they've been devastating at times, that i'm also able to laugh.  i think it's helped me stay sane.   jimmy buffet wrote about it in his song 'changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes'.  he said something to the effect that if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.  my opinion is that laughter is a survival mechanism for the mind.  just a thought.  love and hugs

[paul72]

Hi Hope
Thank you for sharing this .... just amazing really.. I also love the "You can't get through to a sobbing child..." quote. That will be something I'll surely remember
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like as you navigate all of this.
Hope your day is wonderful 

[woodsgnome]

Hi Hope. There's lots of material, as usual, that you've covered with great thought and deep reflections. I greatly admire this quality you frequently share.

Something you mentioned, and which Sanmagic followed up on, was the humour/serious balancing act that can sometimes be the only way through much of what was going on. I know it was life-saving for me that I was able to access this inner humour at various times. Rarely did these occur during traumatic experiences, mostly afterwards. That humour reservoir in spite of the dire situations they sprang from saved me from becoming a total mess (but not always).

The first instances, though, this sort of reaction almost scared me, as the abuses had been stark and dangerous while they were occuring. Somehow the utter awfulness was so dire, up popped an entirely 'opposite' reaction; or at least not what one might expect.

This worked, not to eliminate my pain, but in allowing me to realize I had the capacity to move a little beyond what otherwise was utterly devastating.

So much of what happened didn't make any sense to begin with. That alone leads to tears of regret and pain. If it didn't make sense, though, that equates to nonsense -- and what's one's deepest reaction to nonsense? Laughter, for starters. Stretching the humour a bit, I created caricatures (in my mind) of some of my worst abusers. Putting them in a different light also helped lessen the burden. Yes, it all helped me cope -- in that sense the laughter allowed me to create some room to breathe, as it were.

It may seem strange, as there's nothing truly humourous about abuse and trauma. But if we're able to access it, it can be the thing that actually makes the most 'sense', in the end.

[Blueberry]

hope, your healing process is really progressing.  what a lot of revelations you're dealing with. 

I know and remember how difficult it is for you to write sometimes Hope so it's great you were able to formulate and write so much a couple of days ago.

I have had parts laugh at what seemed inopportune or inappropriate times. I'm not sure that that is what you are experiencing though. But for me it was as if I was standing outside myself, looking in and laughing. FOO did a lot of laughing instead of feeling and I think that might have been a Part acting a bit like FOO. I remember once in group inpatient therapy, a patient said something and everybody spontaneously laughed although it wasn't funny. The T calmly said that sometimes people laugh when really they want to cry. The laughing stopped and everybody was briefly quiet if I remember correctly. Crying would have been more appropriate in that situation.

I don't think it's at all silly to wonder about these actions and emotions, though I do understand feeling silly. I think it's so good that you can express everything like that on here, when your parts allow it. That way everything in you gets a say.

[Hope67]

I thank you all for what you said - I've just read what each of you wrote, and must admit to feeling full up of a lot of emotion. 

I feel like the last few days have been quite strong in terms of processing things.   I am so grateful to each of you for what you write here.

Sending you all big hugs - thank you  plus more hugs.

Interesting that I feel so much emotion just now, and then suddenly I feel cavenous hunger!  I will be eating in the next couple of hours, but I feel very hungry right now.

Hope 

[Hope67]

***Potential trigger warnings, as not sure what I'm going to talk about today in my journal - I am triggered myself today.
26th July 2022
I have been experiencing so many triggers today - and I feel like my system is overloaded with some anxiety and some distress.  I've been able to continue doing the things I want to do but I have felt a bit overwhelmed at times, and close to tears.  I think it's because I watched too many u-tube videos yesterday, which had some triggering content (CSA)  I had felt braver and wanted to gain more information, and I watched things that were by other people who've survived/experienced CSA.  I was pleased to have watched them, because they were helpful to me, but I now realise that it's had an after-effect in terms of making all my parts feel very frightened/upset/scared.

My partner told me that last night I was showing distress in my sleep, and he'd tried to comfort/calm me by saying 'It's OK...(used my name)' and he told me I'd said to him (in my sleep) - 'No, I'm not alright.  It's not alright' - which was interesting that I replied so clearly in that way.  I don't have any recall of that - although I do think that I had some vivid dreams in the night - although I can't remember/recall the content of them.

I had been ok this morning, preparing breakfast - it's a bit like a ritual in that I do the same things, but I noticed that my partner came into the room before I was ready, and that really shook up parts of me that wanted to do the breakfast preparation in my own time.  Maybe that was because I was already triggered.  I don't know. 

I have been heavily triggered by things that my partner has said to me today - and the feeling has been like I'm very small and vulnerable and I don't know how to do adult things in life, so I know it's a small and young part of myself who is very prominent today.  I have been on the verge of tears, although I've not actually cried.

I still feel it now, as I write, but I wanted to come here - because I wanted to communicate about it here - it felt like it would help to share this.  I do feel comforted knowing that people who understand this will read this.  This makes me feel more tearful, but it's in a good way I think.

Interesting that I think I am beginning to feel better - I've been sitting here and breathing gently and calmly, and I really do think I feel somewhat better.  I hope I can hold onto this feeling, as I like the calm feeling and want to preserve it.

It's like I came here and shared this here, and it's helped.  So thank you for listening, if you've read this.  I appreciate this space.  I appreciate you.

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Hope.  you are not alone. You were heard.

[Blueberry]

I hear you Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I hope you're feeling better. A hug for you if you want it.

dolly. 

[woodsgnome]

I've had some similar experiences lately -- namely telling myself I'm feeling better about things and then finding that no, I don't feel that way at all.

Perhaps because I feel more bold as I've felt better, that I become less cautious about some things I know might trigger me. One trigger you mentioned was watching the youtube presentations you found interesting, but also disturbing. I did exactly that the other day, cruising around various videos per SA topics thinking I'd be able to handle them better now; then becoming rather unglued afterwards. One pattern I've noticed in the past but ignored now (because I feel better, I tell myself) was watching a couple of these too close to slumber time, then tossing/turning/crashing around afterwards.

It's so tempting, as you indicate, that one still has to be so careful about triggers. Maybe there's one good note for me, in that yes I recognize now what triggered me, but no I'm not going to blame myself for wanting to know more about a topic which, on the other hand, I don't think I can ever resolve. In other words -- acceptance of a shortfall, but not considering that a failure, adding self-blame to the picture. Hard as it can be, maybe self-love is part of the process I'm struggling with.

Hope you can recover more over the next while. 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing your experience. 

[Not Alone]

I have been heavily triggered by things that my partner has said to me today - and the feeling has been like I'm very small and vulnerable and I don't know how to do adult things in life, so I know it's a small and young part of myself who is very prominent today.  I have been on the verge of tears, although I've not actually cried.

I still feel it now, as I write, but I wanted to come here - because I wanted to communicate about it here - it felt like it would help to share this.  I do feel comforted knowing that people who understand this will read this.  This makes me feel more tearful, but it's in a good way I think.
Hope 

I understand.  to all the Parts for whom a hug feels safe and reassuring.

[Armee]

Hi Little Hope. I feel this way a lot. Sometimes adulting is much too much.

[Hope67]

Cactusflower, Blueberry, Dollyvee, Woodsgnome, Rainydiary, Not Alone and Armee,
Thank you all so much for what you said, and I appreciate you all 

**********
10th August 2022
Hoping to write some updates today - to remind myself of what I've been reading lately, and how things have been going.  Now I'm here, and wanting to write, I find I can't remember the names of the things I've been reading!  Also, an inner critic is in my ear telling me a few things that I am not enjoying hearing.  So that's annoying really.  Clearly there's some resistance to sharing the names of the books.  I know this is because I then think that maybe someone I know will read this, and know it's me.  Now I feel like I'm paranoid.

I want to erase that paragraph now - because I feel silly for writing it.  Now I hear my partner moving around, and I think he's going to come in and speak to me - I'll have to go. 

Maybe I'll get chance to write more this afternoon.

Must go.

Hope