Elpha's New Pieces

[Hope67]

Dear Elpha,
I am so glad to hear that your surgery was successful, and you're recuperating well.  That is great news.   

Wishing you the best for 2023, and hope that you're ok when you return to work on Tuesday - I feel sure you'll pace yourself well - and I hope that you enjoy the remaining break till then.

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

So it has been almost 4 months since I last posted. I cannot even begin to truly capture all that has occurred in that time so I will do my best to write what I have been thinking about coming here for. I have thought about writing about it all for a week or two but just found myself not ready or overwhelmed etc.

Brief updates:
- I did recover from surgery and have mostly felt a lot better physically
- I had a birthday recently!
- My partner moved in with me right before that birthday
- I bought a new car!!
- I passed my clinical licensure exam (so I will be an LCSW come the end of May)
- My therapist announced she is leaving at the end of May (coming oh so soon)
- I stepped back from my volunteer work (not fully just less) in order to better have balance in my life


Those are the quick more positive and over all life updates. A lot of that has happened in the last like 3 weeks and has felt like a whirlwind.


Now for the trauma survivor parts of me.. 

I have continued to get more memories of abuse from my dad and want more and more to have some justice or for him to just die (yes, there is an inner child or two that feels that would be easier). It has sent me for a tail spin at times because it effects all of my relationships, especially with my FOO. I had been healing the relationship with my mom and growing it with my siblings.. however, this has made me reassess my feelings about my mom because she was present and didn't protect but also didn't know. It has made all of the progress feel sour and challenging. I am still talking to her and my siblings but I am actively avoiding any video chat or such because I cannot face my dad. I am not sure if I would freeze, or yell, or just spill all of the secrets because he doesn't deserve my protection or silence.The memories that have come back are all generally SA related or pieces of interactions between my mom and dad that allude to other dynamics. I find it challenging to continue to learn more but also feel like I am not digging for memories, they are just happening.

All of that said, there is so much good happening. I have had a rough couple of weeks since my birthday but I know all of this would have made me non-functional even a year or two ago. Wehreas I am working full time with clients, growing as a clinician, still being social in my life, and finding time for myself. I don't feel like I am overworking to avoid (although, I have caught myself an afternoon or two doing that). For the most part, I am finding balance even when it feels impossible. Thankfully it feels possible more often than not.

Not sure what else I wanted to come here and talk about. I gues that as I hit my 2 year mark as a therapist, that I can't imagine having chosen a different profession. It suits me so well and I grow in some way every day. MY clients (no matter the age) are resilient and wise at the core and I am always in awe.

Oh, I decided on my survivor tattoo. I finally scheduled it for a couple months from now with an artist that does amazing work. It finally feels right to get the survivor tattoo as part of my own journey.

[woodsgnome]

Always good to hear from you. It's been quite a trek and I recall all your fears about it; and your willingness to share parts on here.

And did I read right? A survivor's tattoo? What a great touch  .

Here's to further good vibes ahead 

[Elphanigh]

So glad that it is good when I come here to post. It is good to hear form you as well, Woodsgnome.

You did! I am getting it on June 6th. It is going to be a custom piece drawn for me due to me having a vision in my head of what I want/need for it.

[Bach]

Nice to see you again, Elphanigh 

I relate to wanting justice/wanting an abusive parent to die.  Those are difficult feelings to navigate.

[sanmagic7]

congrats on your licensure, el!  well done!!! 

i want my ex dead, too, so i understand that particular feeling.  i wish you didn't have any opportunities to have to interact w/ your dad.  i think the piece you mentioned about your mom is interesting as well.  enablers.  nuff said.  love and hugs

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both! It is good to come here, even if only ever few months.


San, I am so stoekd for my licensure! It technically doesn't change over until the last week of May (finishing up the 24 months) but I have everything done for it! No more hoops, just waiting for time to pass.

Also glad you get the feeling of wanting someone dead. My dad, I only ever interact with virtually (Although, outside of him texting me on my birthday I haven't interacted with him in a month or two). It just makes it hard to be able to video chat with my sister and niece which I miss.. Plus I can't see my grandparents in person and I want to do so before they get too much older.


To put a whole wrench in all of this... my therapist let it slip yesterday that I have OSDD. I know she is right, and she thought we had talked about it but we definitely had not. I know we had talked about me being a little closer on the dissociative spectrum to DID than I was to like normal dissociation but we had not talked about diagnoses stuff. It hit hard a few hours after my session because it made me feel broken, screwed up, different, and unfixable... Like the PTSD sure or even CPTSD would not have gotten to me at all. Something about dissociative disorders is harder and made me have to switch how I see my brain and how it functions. I know it doesn't actually matter and the stigma around those disorders is not at all warranted but it is coming in waves of grief.

Maybe knowing that I went through so many versions of * to need that level of dissociation and having to really accept the level of amnesia I had/have when it regards my past (I don't generally get any present day). Who knows, but it just felt like a lot emotionally.

[sanmagic7]

wrapping you up in a cozy blanket, my dear el, drink of your choice, fluffy pillows to cuddle (or throw, if that needs doing!), offering a virtual ear or shoulder, whichever suits.  these realizations can really rock our world.  yeah, trauma.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Congrats on the licensure, E. That's really fantastic and I am so glad this career is a great fit and that you can take this pain and horror and turn it into something that helps others and is rewarding for you.

I get it, E. I'm going through the same here with trying to figure out where i fall on the spectrum, knowing it is something more than OSDD, but not quite 100% DID either (I don't have the full blown amnesia between parts, like I don't find things I don't remember buying, but I do things like start cooking and forget and forget conversations that have triggered me into other parts). It is upsetting for all the reasons you said. But San and others have reminded me the past week that it only means my brain had to come up with a few extra protective mechanisms and it does not change that I am still a kind person. Same for you. It doesn't change who you are, it just is a sign you had to bear more than is bearable for a child. And you succeeded in bearing it by dissociating. I am not crazy and you are not crazy and others on here with DID or OSDD are not crazy. We were traumatized and survived. 

By the way I really love the information on the website Dis-SOS. It's pretty scientific and has fantastic tools for dealing with dissociation.

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for sending all the comfort and love. It means a lot. Always grateful to have a virtual shoulder and ear  This realization definitely rocked me some but I know it will pass.


Armee, so good to hear from you always. I am grateful to have found a career I enjoy and can utilize the parts that have grown from all the pain in a positive way.

I appreciate all the perspective on osdd. It is still super new to me (despite knowing the dsm specifics). I find myself sort of looking for the ways it plays out in my day to day. I don't have a lot of day ro day amnesia, although a bit with like tv shows or being able to just shut off emotions/physical pain. My parts work has always been very vivid and I definitely have some strong split parts of self but no one that truly acts on their own externally. However, we have found a lot of amnesia related to past trauma. Like whole abusers and months I don't remember kind of things. It has been one * of a trip.

It is comforting and reassuring to me reminded that it doesn't make me broken or any different a person than I was. My brain had so much to contend with as a child I can only really imagine I survived because I could dissociate.

I will look at that website as well! Thank you 

[Blueberry]

Hello Elpha,
Just want to let you know I read your recent posts and I hear you. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry  It is great to hear from you.


I got to do some normal human things and get some good connections with people over the weekend. It helped to feel more like myself and get out of my head some. I am still definitely struggling with it a bit. Feeling less intensely but still pretty concerned about it. I think it just makes me feel more broken and unfixable, after finally getting myself to a point where I didn't feel that way for the first time in a while. I know it will pass but I look forward to talking to my therapist more about it later this week. Really wish it was sooner rather than later but I know I can't rush that. I also know it has gotten better over time.  It makes me self conscious of how my brain works and how I exist in the outside world in a way that I haven't had in quite a while. I used to get that as a kid or even younger adult when I know my brain worked differently than everyone else I know (I was/am hyper-intelligent, with pattern recognition, and such that no one else could ever truly connect with). It made me feel different or like an outsider at times.. but I for the most part got over that and did find people whose brains worked similarly. Although, I still often find people telling me the way my brain works and how fast it works is fascinating (but it has mostly not bothered me). So being told I have osdd made me go back to questioning how my brain functions, how I show up in the world, and how much people around me maybe make concessions I don't know about. I don't love feeling the need to really pay attention to how I am showing up and be made to question my brain being not normal again. It is tough and uncomfy to say the least.

I am trying to be kind and realize that my brain has always functioned this way and that knowing a little more does not change that. It is hard to not be examining all the things I do and question my validity in the field etc...

[Armee]

Yes, all that for sure. But what I know about dissociative disorders including OSDD is that it is such a strong protective mechanism that we hide it from ourselves and others very very well. So I would be willing to guess that outside of trauma symptoms, no one would have any idea there's this internal split in you. I bet you've hidden it quite well because us with trauma we are trying to get through the day without being triggered, we are not looking for attention to be drawn to our symptoms. It will take time to heal the divisions in your brain that make it hard to experience life in a more whole way. Me, too.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for that reassurance, Armee. 

I have hidden my symptoms and trauma from the world as long as I can remember. You are probably right no one else would actively see the split inside unless I allowed them to. As far as it taking time to heal the divisions in my brain, I imagine it will take time. I think I fear that it will mean that I can't heal it or fix it, I guess. My perception of it feels very permanent right now. I imagine that isn't 100% accurate and is just what my brain is sort of struggling with emotionally

[Blueberry]

But what I know about dissociative disorders including OSDD is that it is such a strong protective mechanism that we hide it from ourselves and others very very well. So I would be willing to guess that outside of trauma symptoms, no one would have any idea there's this internal split in you. I bet you've hidden it quite well because us with trauma we are trying to get through the day without being triggered, we are not looking for attention to be drawn to our symptoms.

 

You haven't changed in any way, Elpha, except for all the progress you're making - - so I'm sure nobody you don't tell has any idea! I was diagnosed with OSDD last year while inpatient. I figured everybody with cptsd is somewhere on the dissociative spectrum, but maybe that's not the case.