Powerful inner critic, shame, failure (possible TW)

[smindia1981]

It took me 40 years to realise, that what I went through was abuse.
I was always told I was born cute but then God knows what happened. Apparently I became ugly for both my parents who thought they were a catch.
Irrespective of my husband and scores of other men and women appreciating my looks I always feel ugly and dress up.like *.
Very recently only I am slowly trying to dress better.
I was told I was a failure.  No one taught me at home. I was supposed to study and be a topper on my own, while my father was busy with alcohol and drugs which he managed as hemhad a decent govt job. And my mother pretended to teach us.
I am bright but find it difficult to follow through. Many other issues which were solely my problem as they both were super intelligent.
The treatment was same for my siblings.
I feel constantly ashamed of being unsuccessful,  financially not doing so Well, angry at failing at thongs for no fault of mine. Being in such a dense fogged up mind that I feel I was living in absolute chaos. Its just a few last years the fog has begun to dissipate.
The inner critic shut shames me when I try to dress ( how my mother used to call me a who$e), and other words.
The inner critic heightens my anxiety to a fever pitch of perfection anticipation, and I give up before even I try.
I feel so much rage at them. They both destroyed me and my siblings.
I tried to kill myself twice. That was 20 odd years ago. That was also blamed on me being stupid.
I had overdosed on barbiturates which had been prescribed to my father.
No one took me to the hospital . I don't know how I survived.
I went through sexual abuse as a child upto pre teens and it was not even acknowledged at first and then I was blamed. I was made to dress up so *. I feel she denied me food as well.
We siblings were beaten  mercilessly.

I binge eat. I work out get it shape and then screw it all up.
I feel so much negativity is inside my head in their voices.
It's so hard. Any tips ?
I  am glad I found this site.
I learn a lot. And feels like a safe place.
Thank you for reading

[Not Alone]

You have experienced so much pain. Yes, it is really hard. I'm glad you are here to get support. You deserve care and kindness.

[Libby183]

Such a lot to deal with, but I really get what you are saying and where you are coming from. My parents were very similar, except for issues with alcohol and drugs.

I've noticed the issue with clothes very often on this forum. In the past, I was utterly clueless about clothes. As I have healed a bit, I have found a way of dressing that I actually feel OK with. I now dress and resist the urge to change my initial choice. It generally works, whereas trying different things causes stress.

You deserve to feel happy about yourself, but I know how hard it is.

[smindia1981]

You have experienced so much pain. Yes, it is really hard. I'm glad you are here to get support. You deserve care and kindness.

@notalone, thank you for reading and getting back.
I am glad too I am here. Atleast I can vent and rant if need be and people here won't tell me to get over it.
Or if I don't want to watch certain series or news, my anxiety and re experience of trauma will not be laughed at.
In absence of access to therapy,  this site has offered so much learning and understanding and more than anything,  acceptance.
Thank you

[smindia1981]

Such a lot to deal with, but I really get what you are saying and where you are coming from. My parents were very similar, except for issues with alcohol and drugs.

I've noticed the issue with clothes very often on this forum. In the past, I was utterly clueless about clothes. As I have healed a bit, I have found a way of dressing that I actually feel OK with. I now dress and resist the urge to change my initial choice. It generally works, whereas trying different things causes stress.

You deserve to feel happy about yourself, but I know how hard it is.

@Libby183
I find your observations about dressing up interesting.  Next time I dress up I will pay attention.
Generally till now, I would either pick up clothes from the men's section or pick up whatever will cover my body. Deliberately dressing down, even doing my hair the way my narcissistic mother would do, just shoved oil and plaster it into a plait. I hate it and yet kept doing it. Some part of childhood sexual abuse is to blame for that. But for certain their deliberate attempts at repressing any sexuality on my part just destroyed my feminity.
It has been so hard trying to find myself.
Even going to get clothes is hard.
Just looking nice, triggers the shame
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with this.
Specially when I realise, how many opportunities I lost, how I am struggling, how I hurt people unknowingly,  how I could have done so much better for myself and my family, I mean my husband and my kids.
Healing is so difficult.
And thank you for replying back.
It helps.
I don't have friends.
Hopefully I will find some here.
🙏

[smindia1981]

Such a lot to deal with, but I really get what you are saying and where you are coming from. My parents were very similar, except for issues with alcohol and drugs.

I've noticed the issue with clothes very often on this forum. In the past, I was utterly clueless about clothes. As I have healed a bit, I have found a way of dressing that I actually feel OK with. I now dress and resist the urge to change my initial choice. It generally works, whereas trying different things causes stress.

You deserve to feel happy about yourself, but I know how hard it is.