So many symptoms this week

[Gromit]

I suppose it is good that I can identify things now.

First off, I have found a new masseur, an Ayurvedic one, he is struggling since the Lockdowns and asked if I would take his business cards for people. On the back of them I noticed his fees, and they were more than I was paying. Immediate shame on my part, was I underpaying? I sent him a message as, I paid him what he had asked for when I first contacted him. The cards were old, they reflected what he charged when he lived in London, phew.

Then, my GP had suggested I see the Social Prescriber. Still not entirely sure what that is, but she had a chat to me, got me crying, noted my lack of confidence, self-worth, all of which has been ongoing but probably exacerbated by the ongoing medical issues my DD has. The experience thoroughly stirred my stuff, coupled with the chat from the local mental health assessment I had last week, also at the GP's suggestion.

Of course, all I could think about was the social prescriber, doing that job, also being a paramedic, a mother, and why aren't I anything?

Yes, the inner critic, the sense of shame and worthlessness is rife at the moment. So I come here to get it out in the open.

G

[rainydiary]

Gromit, I appreciate you sharing your experiences.  I am glad you put words to your experiences here. 

[Gromit]

Gromit, I appreciate you sharing your experiences.  I am glad you put words to your experiences here.

Thanks, I guess it is progress to be able to recognise and name things. The ACA promises cam to mind later,  especially about 'giving myself approval' to help counter the inner critic.

G

[Armadillo]

Gromit, you wondered "why aren't I anything" and I wonder....is that true? 

Are you a survivor?

[Gromit]

I am, of course, a whole load of labels, mother, Instructor but none seems as important as a paramedic or medical professional, although I hope I would do a better job than the physio I saw yesterday.

I had some training today related to being an instructor which I think was helpful, it was an activity based on 'Mindfulness for Health' and was trying to focus on the idea that thoughts are not facts and how to distance yourself from unhelpful thoughts.

I am not sure being a survivor fills me with any positive feelings, I wish I had not had to survive. Yes, it can explain that I had difficulties to overcome which still floor me but, it was not a choice I made, it was rather, an accident of birth. But, thank you Armadillo, for responding.

G

[Armadillo]

Aw I'm sorry Gromit. Thank you for receiving my comment graciously even though I totally missed the mark.

I can sometimes be too literal, and since we are all trauma survivors here, sometimes all we can do is just survive....sometimes some of us can't hold jobs or have families of our own and so I interpreted what you said as literal, which is why I was grasping for something. And you are totally right. Being a survivor is often not a positive and in many ways not a choice.

And I'm sad that your inner critic is being harsh this week toward you. I can't agree with your inner critic that what you are doing isn't good enough but I can definitely relate to feeling like what we are doing isn't enough, isn't good enough, and that we aren't worthy enough. It sounds like an extra rough week and I hope you feel better soon. 

[Gromit]

Armadillo, you were right with your comment, I am something even if I don't want the implications which come with being a survivor, I am other things too, society does not particularly value mothers and those who do not earn much, and I feel shame around that. In many ways my mother set a good example, she was very sure that she worked as a stay at home mother, even though her mothering was damaging.

G

[Gromit]

I thought I may add to this post, the social prescriber was all talk no substance.

I sent them a message a few weeks ago after I had had an accident and got injured, it was a traumatic experience, and I still haven't recovered. All I got back was a text message saying she hoped I healed quickly.

My child finally sent her a message too, the only time she has tried opening up to anyone outside, and got nothing, no acknowledgement, nothing.

I had an appointment for a 'carer healthcheck' this week, by telephone, with the prescriber, and she cancelled it on the morning, as she had planned to speak to me next week. I don't know when she is going to call next week, it was something I was not certain would happen, I wanted this appointment.

I have raised it with the GP who referred me. She is on holiday, I only have an email address for her due to my daughter's complicated condition, but she will feedback to the prescriber and touch base with me next week. I am full of dread, feel guilty for daring to say, 'this is not ok'.  And completely abandoned by my GP surgery, as before.

G