Sage's Journal

[Armee]

Oh yay! LIHEAP is notoriously difficult!

It makes so very much sense there'd be an increase in avoidance/flight symptoms working on this (dissociation, and for me the skin picking and SH is about mental distraction and avoidance too). You're doing really well Sage. So much strength and courage to start slowly facing this. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Rainy and Armee. Hugs back!

I think I'll have some time to myself this weekend-ish. Bro is hanging with some friends from another state he's known for a long time who are in town for an anime convention, so they want to hit things like some museums, aquarium, etc. I'll be picked up for lunch today to meet them, But they're aware my issues mean I can't hang all day like he can.  Then Sunday, I've got lunch with the BFF to use a "buy one get one meal free" thing to be used in my birthday month. It's an awesome place that's kind of  all you can eat for the price Brazilian food and the different kinds of meats on long skewers.

Yep, Bro just said he's headed out in about 20 min to have breakfast with them and hit the Botanic Gardens.  They'll have fun and I'll have a nice quiet morning, LOL. Not that it's a problem, it's just nice to have time apart, too.

Relatively calm dreams, but definitely have a theme lately. In various situations, searching for someone or something and not getting any help to find it/them. Like really, brain? Kinda obvious there. Part of me is "so get it over with already!" and part of me is all "if it takes that much to get there, maybe I don't wanna know." It'll happen when it happens.

[CactusFlower]

Well, timing didn't work out for meeting Bro's friends, but that's ok. They only live a day or two's driving away for the future. Bro had lots of fun, at least. He said they did so much walking. I spent both days hanging with the BFF ad talking about writing, watching movies, eating (lol), etc. This week will be a little bit busy towards the end. Time to refill meds, I need stuff from the store for family dinner Saturday, and Sunday is BFF's birthday. Then he goes on a short trip to visit his sister. The next parts of the memoir writing class are about actual scenes, pivotal moments, etc.  But the assignment's not due until June 15, so I'm not worried.  I'm just slowly still writing whatever comes to mind. My mind has actually backed off of processing for the moment, thank goodness. I'm okay with a breather here and there.

[sanmagic7]

not getting help is a theme running thru my life as well as my dreams, CF.  so frustrating and energy sapping. 

your memoir work is amazing.  i'm glad you're getting some respite from processing. 

hope you have a good dinner party and happy b-day to BFF.  love and hugs

[Armee]

You are so wise....sage even (haha!)...to trust your brain's need to back off a bit.

[CactusFlower]

ha ha Armee!  good one.

Today was... busy. BFF and I ran to the asian grocery store to get the stuff to family dinner tomorrow night. Then we spent about 5 hours going through a story we co-wrote and turning it into a 15-18 minute long script for animation. Not only is the formatting time consuming, but you have to describe everything as you see it and that's it.  That feels very odd because it's quite different from normal story writing where you can describe things from the past, what people are thinking, etc.  But we got the first draft done! He printed a copy and we both signed it, joking about it being worth something someday. I'm currently finishing up the dessert for tomorrow's dinner since it has to chill in the fridge overnight. After I was done with the writing, Bro and I went to walmart to get BFF a nice travel mug for his trip to see his sister next week. We were going to get coffee to go with it so he wouldn't have to drink hotel coffee, but he bought some to tak with him at the international market!  LOL I couldn't just say,"Hey, don't buy that... because." So we just got a card and a gift bag too. he's not too keen on birthdays, so it's enough.  Between the grocery store, sitting in someone else's chair for hours, walking across a walmart, and slicing up a pound of strawberries, I have ZERO energy and strength in me. I'll probably head to bed early as soon as the last bit of the dessert goes in the fridge. WHEW. Thank goodness tomorrow's dinner will be relatively easy. (steaming the char siu buns, the potstickers, and sauteeing up the chicken yakisoba.)

I saw a TikTok recently where a guy who has PTSD (Iraq) said, get some nontoxic markers and whenever you feel like self-harm, draw on yourself instead. I was reading a difficult ebook memoir and did get the urge to pick at my skin. So I took my fineliners and drew a small flower on my upper arm. (where it'd be covered by a tshirt sleeve) It was odd, but it kinda worked. The urge did subside.

[Armee]

Lol. It was an overdone pun for sure but thanks for humoring me.

Thanks for the marker tip! I'll have to put some non-permanent pens by the knives and maybe it'll even work in the bathroom by the tweezers.

Your meals sound delicious and the Asian markets have the best instant coffee.

Congrats on finishing the animation script!!!! Love all the creativity and maybe it really WILL be worth something one day. 

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,

That's great that you and BFF co-wrote that script for the animation.  I hope it will be something that will be enjoyed by many people in the present and future.  It's an achievement to do something like that, and it sounds like it was fun to do - although time consuming.

I've found that your writing about your memoirs has evoked thoughts for me, and I'm grateful to you for that, as I haven't really managed to 'do' any writing about my past, in any concrete or useful way.  I have had lots of good intentions, but not really tackled it in any meaningful way - and you have been focusing on things in a really good way - and I am thinking how great that is.

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Cactus,

I need a trip to the Asian grocery store myself! They have these amazing sweet potato/gluten free noodles that I jazz up with a ground pork/gochujang mixture. Sometimes add grilled green beans or steamed bok choi. Now I'm hungry.

Sounds great that you are doing an animation too. It's so helpful, theraputic in itself to have projects like that to work on. Hope we get to see it one day.

dolly

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee, Hope, and Dolly. Our next step is actual editing, then maybe we can get it into the hands of someone to make it. We think it would be very much in the same wheelhouse as some of the episodes of Love, Death, And Robots on Netflix. (TW: don't go watch those unless you like computer animated gore, a lot of them have game-like violence)

Dinner was lovely. We're going to the store this afternoon. After all these trips, my energy is major low and pain is high. (not to mention anxiety around strangers. But we shouldn't need much of anything besides milk after this trip, so I can hermit for a few days again. The exhaustion can be a bit frustrating sometimes. But having the disabled parking thing for the car has absolutely helped with closer parking. Ugh. okay, gotta go get ready in a bit. I have to people today, LOL.

[rainydiary]

CF, I hope your shopping trip was as easeful as possible and that you have some time to rest from it. 

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Rainy, I'm definitely taking it easier at the moment. The trip wasn't terrible; the grocery store was strangely *not* full of people for a Sunday afternoon. But hey, I'll take it.  Bro found a salad mix I really like, we got some treats above our basic stock-up, and the cashier was nice without being chatty. LOL Lots of what we wanted was on sale, which always makes me feel better. I need to explore my money issues someday, as they're pretty strong and I'm not 100% sure why. I mean, I know at least half of it comes from Male parental unit, but I wouldn't be surprised if the fear of abandonment also played into it.

I've been reading other memoirs, I think I mentioned that. It's recommended before or as you write your own so you can see how others wrote theirs. They're definitely not easy to get through because of the topic. There's lots of times I cry as I read, or even just close the ebook and dissociate for a little while.One that was very powerful was "The Sergeant's Daughter" by Teressa Shelton, but every few chapters, I had to go take a nap afterwards because my brain was all "nope, nope, not now, not that." Some of the crying while reading these comes from some conflicting feelings. I might start crying in almost relief to know I'm not the only one to go through some of this stuff, but... Then I get tears and shame while thinking "How can you feel relieved? Doesn't that mean you're happy someone else experienced it? That's sick." it's a weird argument with myself. No, of course I don't wish this crud on anyone else. But it's hard to convince my mind/subconscious? that it's just because someone else might understand. I usually end up with a headache and being even more exhausted after that plus the crying. I do try to tell myself that no matter what these authors went through, they found the courage to tell. That gives me the courage to write my own. That I deserve to say, "This happened to me. And I know I'm not alone."

[Armee]

That's why being here is so powerful. Knowing we aren't alone and other people get it. It's not just us. It's why many of us here read memoirs, too. And why yours will be powerful someday too. It's also a permission of sorts to be upset about what happened that it isn't no big deal when you read about it happening to someone else. You're not a bad person. You're very kind and thoughtful.

[Kraggy]

Hi Sage, I was just following up about how it went with the therapist who understands "The Body Keeps the Score" it is excellent and I actually took a course with the author over the winter, Author has alot of experience and its the one book that paves the way for CPTSD sufferers and its breakthrough for understanding this. Anyway I just wanted you to know you are rooted for and I hope its going well. Kraggy

[CactusFlower]

Thanks Armee, that put a smile on my face.

I really lucked out getting the T that I did straight off the bat. To be fair, having read the book first, I kinda knew what to look for. I first asked my health insurance for a list of female therapists who were taking new patients so I could be sure my visits would be covered. I then found ones not too far from me in case I ever do in-person stuff someday, since this was at the height of COVID. Then I did a Google search on "trauma informed" therapists and check where those lists overlapped. Lastly, I scoured the web for any reviews/comments/etc on the handful whose names I'd chosen. The group I ended up choosing had good reviews and also had some MDs so if I needed meds, that could happen in the same group. I really click with my T. I did write a kind of introductory letter once I signed all the consent forms and stuff and had them send that to her. I described what had happened to trigger me, what I'd learned about why I might be having EFs, a little background, and what I hoped to get out of therapy. We also spent the first session or two going over that. I made sure to tell her that I was open to trying various modes of therapy to see what would work. Yes, reading "The Body Keeps the Score" was eye-opening. I cried at multiple points in the book because I felt like there was finally a valid reason for things in my life, like someone finally could see the way I was and  explain why. It wasn't easy to read, but it was finally putting a name to so much I'd experienced. Sometimes it's hard to believe I'm nearly a year and a half into therapy. I know it'll never be fast and it could take quite a while longer, but I knew that going in. Both my T and the Doc that oversee my meds are kind, friendly, and knowledgeable people who actually listen, and I'm grateful for that.

LOL Thanks, Kraggy. Looking back at that positive stuff made me smile today. I'll take it.