digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armadillo, i value your support.

hope, thanks for being there for me.  i appreciate you so much

as we get farther into packing, so many emotions are coming up, not only related to the actual leaving of this place we loved so much, but triggers of all the other homes i had to leave because of abuse and the destruction of trust in my marriages.  it's hard enough to do this without long ago feelings and images, memories, and thoughts popping in to drain my brain even more.  aaaah, trauma - never a dull moment!

since we haven't yet seen the place where we're moving, it's like taking a giant step into total darkness.  the pictures on the website look good, but it's difficult to get the feel of the neighborhood and the community thru images.  i go from excitement to anxiety in a matter of minutes sometimes while thinking about what we're doing.  it continues to exhaust both of us.  we can barely put one foot in front of the other, yet we have to keep pushing ourselves to do just that.

i was able to put to rest today a gross image of dancing w/ my ex. when i began processing it, it was too humiliating to look at the image of it in my mind, too fugly.   i did some eye movements on it this morning cuz i was so sick of being bothered by it over and over, for more than 20 years now, and with a few sets i was able to diminish it to a black speck, then the words - this is no longer in your life, it's done, over - went thru my mind, and finally, i was able to see the dance floor but the space where we'd been dancing was filled in by others and i wasn't part of that scene at all anymore.  that felt good to stop carrying it around.  i believe there are some emotions hanging around, but at least the image is gone. i can work on the emotions later.  at least it's a step.

i'm thinking it will be a good 2 months before we're actually settled in our new place.  it seems like a very long time . . .

[Blueberry]

  for everything going on atm! I'm glad you do have a new place to move to but I can understand your anxiety about not knowing really what it's like. A picture cannot convey everything.
Trying to send you some energy so you have some for the packing and everything else you need to do before the move.

[Armadillo]

 

Horray for putting that very upsetting image to rest!!!!!  excellent work...it must have been very difficult to work it through to that point. 

Moving will be stressful. There's just no denying that! But I'll hold a ton of hope in me that your new place feels like home, enough, that you can settle in and feel at peace.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry,

you gave me exactly what i need for today - energy for packing!  that's a big focus today.  i have a lot of anxiety around not being done in time (altho we have 3 weeks!) or doing it wrong or something i'm not sure about.  i don't know - it seems overwhelming to me to think about it.  i've never employed prof. movers before and they want things a certain way before they'll move them.  *sigh*  i've already had to redo some things i packed.  that doesn't help.  but, thank you so much.  honestly, your words couldn't have come at a better time!   

armadillo,

you know, it really did take a long time.  that image, the feeling surrounding it, and the thoughts attached to it have been with me since it happened, more than 20 years ago!  thank you so much for the support and cheers - it really did feel like something to celebrate!     and thanks for the kindness - i'm am truly looking forward to the hope that this will finally be a place for peace.  we shall see.

still at sixes and sevens today.  all my energy is wrapped up in packing.  we've got loads of boxes, but a lot of them don't have tops, and i'm concerned the movers won't accept them, even tho they told my d that they could shrink wrap some of them.  i'm out of my element with this.  i've probably moved 70 times in my life (give or take) and it's always been with the help of friends, not professionals.  i mean, most moves were paid for by pizza and beer!  my anxiety is rising even as i speak of it. 

the main problem with doing it 'wrong' is that we'll be living on the third floor, and anything they won't move means i'll have to be hauling stuff up 3 flights of stairs.  i've already found myself tripping or bumping into something, as if i'm not quite sure of the space i'm in.  i don't doubt it's due to stress, but this is something a bit new and it scares me to think i could lose my footing and fall.  it would be broken bones, and i can't afford anything like that.

so, the fears ramp up as the times comes closer.  i'm not sure what these feelings are that are so worrisome.  inadequacy?  afraid of making a mistake?  somehow i'll be punished if i do it wrong?  wow - that just led me down a childhood rabbit hole.  something for tomorrow's therapy, maybe.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
I hope you will stay safe with the moving, and that you'll be helped by the removal people - they should help you.  Maybe ask them for more help, if they don't seem to be doing things ok?  Afterall, you've employed them this time, so they should help you.  It's ok to tell them you are worried about potentially falling, that you need their help and support.

I don't think they should leave you with things that you need to move by yourself.  I hope that doesn't happen.

Good luck with it all, SanMagic, and hope it goes well.  Thinking of you.   
Hope 

[Armadillo]

Whew! It sure sounds like there are a lot of emotional triggers and physical fears wrapped up in this moving process, which would be stressful regardless of triggers!

I know you are putting a lot of thought into this, that you will do it as right as you can, and any issues that arise the day of the move will get dealt with. So take good care of yourself in this stressful process. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, thanks for the advice regarding making sure i get the help i need with the movers.  you are so right - i'm paying them, i deserve to get my money's worth.  your caring thoughts are so appreciated. 

armadillo, right again. triggers on top of the hassle of moving make it all the more stressful.  thank god i've got such a good t - she told me yesterday that if i wanted to stop emdr processing until after the move, she was fine with that.  we could just talk if that's more helpful.  i appreciated her giving me that option.  thank you for caring.

feeling so much better today after my session.  a little (!!!) help w/ my D1 was all i ever looked for in that marriage, but he really wanted nothing to do with our household, the day-to-day goings on of our kids, or any of my problems.  i figured out on tues. that all the responsibility for my children's well-being had been dumped on me when there were 3 other adults who were responsible for their safety and well-being.  those included my ex, our therapist, and D1'a birth father.  yet, i got all the flack, all the hard times, all the negative vibes put on my shoulders.  my ex simply stayed apart from it all, our therapist blamed me for his addiction and never followed up when i reported to her that he'd lusted after D1, and her bio father simply gave up any responsibility for her at all.

so, i've been able to walk twice today, did a few gentle exercises, and pack a little more.  my energy feels much better.  it was like my t rescued me from something that was too big for me to handle by myself, something i'd carried for 40 years no matter who i'd gone to see or ask for help from.  it's amazing that i didn't even know how big this was, how interconnected all these people have been in my trauma, and how much i was just looking for someone to give me a hand instead of piling more of a burden upon me.  whew!!!

this has opened my eyes to much more of the extent of which i've been traumatized, the enormity of the load i've been carrying, and the lack of help with any of it i've received.  except for this forum,. which has been a virtual lifeline - in a real sense - at times, i didn't consciously understand the extent of my wounding.  today, tho, i feel hopeful for the future for the first time in forever.  armadillo, you asked why i continue to put myself thru the pain of all this - today is a reason why, this feeling, this clarity, this ability to know someone has my back in the truest sense.  i am grateful to all of you who care.

[Armadillo]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, armadillo, and back atcha!

my t and i tried a different emdr technique called the flash technique on friday.  i told her about the dark place i had gone to, how overwhelmed i'd become by all of everything that came up like a tsunami and threatened to wash me away in a real sense.  i'd told her that i've heard of the technique (she hadn't) and she read up on it, and we worked with it yesterday.  it's designed to allow the client to know about their trauma, but it bypasses the reliving of it, helps the brain process a great amount of trauma without the pain.  honestly, i give her a lot of credit for looking this up and being willing to try it with me.  she was so pleased with the results (she said several times she didn't want to hurt me, but my traumas are so interconnected amongst several people - not including my bio family - that dealing with one brought the rest of the bricks down on top of me     and i couldn't manage this anymore.

i can't even put into words what's happened with my brain/mind (i suspect both are involved because of the intensity i've been experiencing) since yesterday.  it's like a ball of cotton filled with memories, emotions, and the aftermath of trauma (such as intrusive thoughts, terrible feelings, confusion, even some anxiety) has been lifted out of my mind and tossed away.  i feel more clarity, have more energy, haven't experienced neg. somatic issues, and feel more at peace.  it truly does feel like a miracle to me.

time will tell if this has staying power, but for today, i'm doing pretty good, better than i have felt in nearly 2 years.  this week in therapy has been a game changer.  i'm lovin' it!   

[Armadillo]

 

I'm so glad things feel lighter and that you suggested that technique with your T!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armadillo.  so am i!!!   

4 days in after using the flash technique, and i'm still feeling pretty good, energized, and the pieces that were troubling continue to be mostly MIA, which is fine with me.  it was wonderful to process something as emotionally charged as my D1 stuff and not have my legs go wonky, or not be stressfully exhausted.  what a difference to feel tired only because it's the end of the day, not because i've been stressed to the max with battling those images, neg. feelings, and terrible triggers.

not that they're all gone, no, not by a long shot.  however, a few pieces feel pretty much taken care of.  i do want to revisit them to make sure they stay dead.  i'm tired of the zombie apocolypse i've been running, dodging, and hiding from for so long!  my mind had hit the brink and it was very frightening.  i don't feel anywhere near the brink right now, for which i'm truly thankful.  hope is still on the horizon.

ok, that's about all i can manage right now. 

[Armadillo]

 

Awesome. So very awesome.

[sanmagic7]

another round of flash technique this morning.  i was hit with a huge trigger last nite, on a different issue, and was able to process thru it.  the stuff from last week is still holding, too, so i'm glad of that.

last nite we watched an episode that dealt with mother/daughter issues, and i discovered how much my D1 constantly did things to hurt me, even when i came up from mexico to stay with her while she went thru a schizophrenia cure.  i'd kiss her goodnite on the forehead when she went to bed, and every time she'd swipe the kiss away.  when i mentioned it after this happened several times, she quickly said, 'oh, i'm putting these kisses in my pocket to save.'  so very clever, and altho it sounded nice, the gesture of that swipe stung my heart every time, and i knew she was trying to get away with something nasty under my nose. 

what i came to realize today was that, altho this woman is my blood, these kinds of behaviors she'd been exhibiting towards me since she was 4 were indications that she has not been the daughter i raised and taught about love and caring, kindness and understanding.  i felt like i truly no longer have a daughter, that she died about 40 years ago.  the woman living now with the name i gave her is someone whose abuse i tolerated because i was afraid i'd lose her.  altho i've said to myself i'd already lost her long ago (which was why i was able to go NC 6 yrs. ago), today i was feeling the enormity of the pain of that loss, something i'd been scared of feeling, and probably why neg. thoughts concerning her kept creeping into my mind no matter what i've done to expel them.

right this minute, i can't really consciously conjure up those feelings after processing thru it today.  i was so afraid of feeling the pain cuz i knew it would overwhelm me.  it was also interesting to note that it seems like, after processing last fri., and feeling so much toxicity leave my brain, that it seems like as one giant piece of gunk was removed, it made space for another piece to rise to the surface.  i'm feeling some inner peace, and even a little more hope, that these traumas will be taken care of and put to rest.  it's a good feeling, solid, but solemn.  to put her to rest today, well, it's like i grieved the darling little girl i once had who did not grow up to be the darling woman i'd believed she would become.

the silence inside my mind is new.  the funeral procession is something i didn't know i could accomplish.  this is a strange place for me to reside in right now, and i'll have to get used to it, but it is much better than me screaming at my brain to stop torturing me every day.

[Armadillo]

This sounds extremely painful, San. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the relief and processing of all these pieces comes at the right time and pace and I wish you had the opportunity for a  better parent/child relationship. It's really heartbreaking when that isn't a possibility and you can't fix it.

I can really feel your grief here.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the caring support, armadillo.  so appreciated.

the pieces, so far, are still at rest, the pace feels okay, i haven't had that overwhelmed feeling in more than a week.  i hope the peace i'm feeling inside continues.

when i reflect back on the past nearly 2 years, i can't believe i made it through.  this period of respite, even tho short, is something i couldn't picture while i was in the midst of everything going on.  didn't believe it was possible, especially since i've had more than 70 yrs. of trauma to unpack and wade thru.  i hate to admit it but i've sometimes envied younger members of this forum for being able to tackle their issues earlier in their lives.  at the same time i was so very very glad they could. 

this morning while walking i flashed on several instances in my life where i was completely oblivious to value and worth of the time and energy people put into making gifts for others.  i'm sure it was part of the alexithymia, which is frustrating to know the intangibles i've been laboring under during my life.  anyway, i remembered a time when a girlfriend showed me a quilt her grandmother made for her.  my response? 'it's kind of ugly'.  my grandmother crocheted a bedcover for me, absolutely beautiful, and since i didn't see the love behind it, i stashed it up in the attic where it was eaten by mice.

the lack of compassion i've toted around kind of haunts me now.  things would've been so different.  i was like this with friends who were going thru rough times, and lost a very good friend because of it.  it's difficult sometimes to realize i didn't have the capacity to value certain things or other people's emotions, and i've sometimes gone into a 'what if?' spiral.  i believe now it was part of my survival mechanism, where all i did was focus on myself and let others deal with their problems.  well, yeah - that came directly from an incident w/ my parents.  they showed me no compassion, so i showed it to no one else. 

it's like, i was left in the wind to deal with my fears and pain myself, so i left others alone to do the same.  ugh.  this is a dark place i've just gone to.  possibly a piece to target next time in therapy.  i know i hurt people along the way, and that hurts my heart.