digging out of the muck

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, i'm sure most therapists do not understand this, unless they have gone thru it themselves.  i know, back when i was practicing, i had no idea.  even as this has come up in my own sessions now, i've been having to explain to my T what was going on with me and why.  it finally clicked with her, but before i figured it out and told her, she didn't have a clue as to what part emotions/feelings were having in my being overwhelmed by processing.  like your T, mine also lets me guide our sessions, and i'm grateful for that.  so very glad to know you're working with someone similar.  thank you for your support and for sharing, my dear.  much appreciated.   

first nite with the gravity blanket was positive.  as soon as i got under it, i felt calm gently rolling over me, a soothing feeling.  i had no problem sleeping thru the night, and even tho i woke at my regular-ish time, which is about 5-6 hrs. of sleep, i didn't want to get out from under it.  next time i opened my eyes, it was 2 hrs. later.  during those two hours, while i didn't go back to being in a deep sleep, i know i was comfortable, enjoyed the feeling of the weight on me, and didn't want to leave it.  i'm sure, tho, that i snoozed on and off during that time, which felt good, like something pos. was achieved re: my sleep pattern.  so, right now,  .  i'm looking forward to the experience again tonight.

2 weekends ago, while sitting at the farmers mkt., a man in a wheelchair w/ his wife pushing him, stopped at our table and began looking at me.  he held up his hand, and i, without thinking, held mine up, our palms facing (not touching).  it was almost like a healing ritual, had that kind of feel.  i felt nothing neg. from him (my energy is very strong and i can often sense things), and eventually he came over to where i was sitting, got very close to my ear and spoke softly into it. 

he told me he was a prophet, that he could tell i was out of balance, left pushing to the right (don't exactly know what that might mean), and that one way to help regain my balance would be to put sea salt under my pillow (i've forgotten until now).  he mentioned childhood trauma, and i told him it was a lot of adult trauma as well.  then he reiterated the sea salt and left.

this kind of thing has happened to me before, so i wasn't shaken or upset by it.  once, in a bus station, a young man was traveling with a didgeridoo and approached me, told me how he'd learned to use this instrument as a healing resource, and proceeded to play for me (with my permission). as he slowly waved it in the direction of my body, it was moving up and down until it spent a few minutes pointed to the left side of my head.  i asked him about that, he said he didn't know what was wrong, but something in that vicinity was not right.

he wouldn't take money nor even a soda, and went on his way.  it was years later, when i moved to the states, that i discovered what the mex. docs continually told me for many years was moles and a fungal infection on the left side of my scalp was, in actuality, cancer.   now, to have this man tell me that my left is pushing into my right side (or vice versa - i can't really remember exactly - feels like my mind reversed his words )  is intriguing.  i'll have to look it up, i guess, cuz i don't know exactly what that might mean.  if anyone has any ideas, please share.  thanks.   

[rainydiary]

San, I don't know the meaning but am so intrigued by your experiences.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, thanks for responding.  it seems that even in my c-ptsd state, i invite 'experiences' from strangers.  it's been interesting for me, too.

nite 2 w/ gravity blanket.  once again, just getting under it to go to sleep provided a feeling of comfort.  can't really explain it, but it feels very real.  soft, soothing, caring.  i woke up at 3:30, closed my eyes after contemplating getting up ( that's been a pattern for quite a few years) and the next time i opened my eyes it was 3 hrs. later.  plus, i still felt so comfy and soothed that i languidly stayed in bed another hour, just resting.  no bad thoughts, either, which has happened in the mornings more often than not.  those intrusive thoughts have been a signal to get up and begin my day in order to stop them.  haven't had any the past 2 mornings, for which i'm extremely thankful.

i also remembered about putting sea salt (this 'prophet' man suggested that for the imbalance going on with me) under my pillow.  we'll see if/what it might do, if it helps.  i looked up left and right side imbalance, discovered it was about feminine (left) and masculine (right) energies.  i think adding this knowledge has also been distressing somehow, because after writing about it here, looking it up, doing a little 'test' (my left side was definitely weaker, less stable and i'm not sure what that means, but i'll ask my T tomorrow), i feel a disruption inside me.  sometimes i wonder if this will ever end?  every little bit of new info somehow knocks me off kilter.  i understand it's part of the growing/evolving process, but dang, i could use a break.

still a bit nervous about doing therapeutic processing.  if i'm honest w/ myself, it's more than a 'bit' nervous.  tomorrow is therapy, and all this has really pulled me off my stride, upset my apple cart once again.  ugh!!!. 

[Armee]

That's really interesting that you're putting out this energy where strangers are approaching you with healing intentions.

I've loved my weighted blanket. It was one of a combination of things that helped me kick my insomnia.

Like you described, I would still wake up momentarily but instead of waking and getting up it was a little physical nudge to shhhhh shhhhh shhhhh go back to sleep.

[sanmagic7]

the blanket is still working its magic, even tho this is a time of great stress (again!!!).  i still woke up too early, but was able to, as armee said, be shhh shhh shhh'd back to sleep for a couple hours.  i loved that phrase, armee.  thanks!   

today is the last day we have a car and it hit me yesterday that we will now be 'stuck' w/o transportation until we can save enough for another.  i'm going to look further into their transportation system, as far as getting rides for prescriptions, etc., and also how much it would be to have food delivered.  otherwise, i came up with the idea that we could walk to the store and bring a roll-along suitcase to cart groceries back home.  it will be quite a hike, tho, and at this point we have little strength, less energy.  we will go today while we have the car to stock up on some cat food, my D's mac & cheese - she's vegetarian, so cheese and eggs are her major sources of protein - and i need some vit.  also gotta fill up the car before we pick up its owner, and, yeah, unfortunately, all this has sent me into another cig. spiral, so some of those, too. 

hopefully, we'll finally be able to settle for a bit.  we've got boxes everywhere that are yet to be unpacked, but betw. the heat and stress we haven't had enough energy to do anything about them.  eventually.  right now we're pretending she's an author on tour and we're living in a hotel suite.  it's kind of fun, it's pretty much what this apt. reminds us of, and it's a little escapism, especially for her.  i've already gone down that rabbit hole - we will now officially be stuck here, living off our savings until she can find a job.  we've only got a month before she has to start looking, and that's terrifying to her. 

she's part of what's hurting me right now, too.  not her, per se, not intentionally, but just that her anxiety is so bad, she's so angry at our circumstances, so afraid of the future, and my heart breaks for her.  she's struggled all her life to do the right thing, has worked her butt off, and hasn't really gotten the good stuff she deserves.  it's just hard to watch her getting sick from the stress of it all, so much of which happened to her rather than because of her. 

anyway, that's depressing me to write about it, so i'll stop.  therapy this morning, but i'm too shot to process anything, go into anything too deeply.  this has been the pits, to say the least.

[Kizzie]

Hey San, just wanted to let you know I hear you about your daughter, I know how hard it is.  I went through something similar with our son this past year and it was incredibly difficult. What I held onto during that time was he grew up with parents who showed him he was loved and kept him safe.  It's important because we know what it's like not to have parents who did that.

She has you and more importantly your love and support.  You're part of the good stuff she deserves and that's a head start toward getting more of that for herself.  You and I and everyone here were so far behind the eight ball because of how we grew up that it takes years just to get to stable ground.   

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, thanks for sharing.  it seems that 'once a mother, always a mother' can be painfully true at times.  i'm glad things with your son have lightened up.  thanks for your very kind words as well.  they were so appreciated.  it seems like i have a do-over with her, and now am able to give her the time and attention she deserves and was deprived of while she was growing up.  that's been taking some time to develop, but i can see progress every day.  it's given me a boost as well in the 'mom' department.  thank you, too, for such heartfelt support - i feel it in my heart.

armee, that hug felt just like my gravity blanket, enfolding me, bringing me in.  thank you so much for that.

the car is gone, we made it thru yesterday, and today just feels lighter to both my D and me.  while we are looking forward to having a car of our own eventually, right now the pressure we've been under to get things done for which we needed a car has lifted.  now it's time, finally, to heal.  we've been in crisis mode for so long, i'm not sure how the recovery will go, but we're both looking forward to finding a routine again by taking walks, going to the gym, and managing our writing/editing tasks.  i'm looking forward to some sense of normalcy.  it's been too long . . .     

[BeeKeeper]

san,

I'm glad you got all your car tasks done. When deadlines loom, there's extra pressure to "get it right." I have total confidence you and your D are going to adapt to the circumstances; being together, sans 4 wheels, having a bit of space to breathe again. Unpacking can wait, and maybe you can do this differently from the times before. What I mean is: Ask yourself, "Do I HAVE to do this NOW, this WAY?"

I've been asking myself that a lot lately and Hello! It works for me. You probably have other questions which are most relevant to you and your recovery or preferred dominant self. Whatever those questions or pauses might be, maybe go slow enough to notice them?

It takes time to decompress, much more than we "allow" for ourselves. Be generous! 

[rainydiary]

San, thinking of you as you establish a routine. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, bee,

your suggestions and questions and thoughts are so valuable.  thank you for all of them!  i especially loved the idea of being generous.  it's a great point to remember - having been generous w/ time, actions, energy for others most of my life, i do feel, finally, it's time to be generous to and for myself.  wise words, indeed!   

rainy, thanks for the thought.  every single one of those has sent energy and wellness my way, and i've scooped them up greedily, held them to me.  they've made a difference.

my D and i finally took a short walk down a nature trail this morning, and she mentioned that it felt like a bit of normal for us.  i agreed.  it wasn't far, but it was for ourselves and our well-being instead of because it was a task or chore that had to be done.  i know my legs and hips appreciated walking for the sake of walking w/o the added pressure of 'have to get something accomplished.' 

it's difficult to rely on the idea that the nightmare might actually be over, but it's a tentative hope at this point.  the sky seems a little bluer this morning.

[rainydiary]

San, I am glad to hear that you and D are working to set new routines and experiences.  I hope that you all are able to begin to creating a different reality that is gentler and joyful. 

[Armee]

I love that you got a hopeful taste of a lighter mood and some safety and peace. I hope that more days are filled with those feelings of peace and fewer days are filled with worry. 

I especially loved reading this:

my D and i finally took a short walk down a nature trail this morning, and she mentioned that it felt like a bit of normal for us.  i agreed.  it wasn't far, but it was for ourselves and our well-being instead of because it was a task or chore that had to be done.

It has inspired me to make sure I make time for a long walk today.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy - i certainly hope so as well.  we did take a walk this morning, and it was good.  since it's beginning to cool off a bit, it's even easier to navigate the stairs.  i'm thinking of it as stair-step aerobics!  lol!!!   

thanks, armee.  i appreciate the thought and your kind words.  i'm hoping for the same.   

still a bit rocky, still crashing a bit, still pretty tired.  killer migraine the other nite - haven't had one for at least 15 yrs.  it's like the stress has to leave, but before it goes it's gonna squeeze my head, muscles, movements, joints - everything physical it can get its hands on before i can settle into a better place.  thankfully, i'm still really liking where we live, feel safe here, and lighter and brighter.  plus, no more LL hassles, stress, tension, fear, anxiety - looking back it was so much of that for the entire 3 years we lived at that house.  what a difference a residence can make.

i guess that also speaks to the fatigue and residual tension and anxiety i'll still feel from time to time.  it's not leaving willingly, but kicking and screaming.  sometimes, if i really think about it, i feel like i'm hanging on by my fingernails.  it's been so so so much.  that feeling just came to me this morning, didn't realize it before this.  maybe i'm just now feeling some emotions, like sadness, that hadn't shown up before.  too much crisis to simply have emotions.  maybe.  tired now just writing this out.

[rainydiary]

San, I had chills at your description of the tough things needing to leave the body and how hard the body might want to hold on.  That really resonates with me.  I hope you find some ways for it to release even if it is for one breath.