digging out of the muck

[Elphanigh]

San, I know it has been so long but I think of you often and am always in your corner. Sending you so many warm hugs and wishing you that moment of respite you need and deserve. Remember as well that EMS is always with you, looking over you. Her warmth and support is always available to retreat into for a bit. 

[BeeKeeper]

Dear San,

so glad you are back to rant and find hugs.

I've been wondering about the move, your state of being and all of it. I'm validating this: re: Not giving up.

something inside won't let me, so i come here to rant about it instead

  and    to your strength, your energy and your determination to not give up.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, yours were the first hugs i saw and i can say for a fact they warmed my heart.  thanks so much for your support and care.

blueberry, as always, your support has been undeniable.  thank you so much for the hugs - they really helped.   

el, honestly, i believe it is EMS that helps keep me going.  thanks for the reminder, for being in my corner, and for all your support.  so appreciated.   

beekeeper, thank you so much for the validation of those parts of me that have kept me going.  it's wonderful!   

nothing is coming easy, but little piece by little piece, things are getting done.  even after the move itself, stuff has been cropping up, like what exactly to do with the car since we can't afford to fix it and we're ready to send it to the scrapyard, so w/o a car again!  the guy we bought it from may help us - he doesn't want to see it sold for scrap, we offered to give it back to him and in doing so, cancel the remaining money we owe on it (we had it for 4 months before the tranny pooped out, it would cost us nearly $3000 to have it fixed, and that's with getting the parts from a friend of his), so that's still on our minds.

my d's new computer (6 wks. old, she's only been using it since the move, 3 wks.) has already fritzed out, and she's spent hours and hours troubleshooting on her own and w/ tech friends, finally called the place where she bought it from to see about getting it fixed or getting a new one instead (she already has their tech squad installed) and spent nearly an hour w/ some guy who was rude, obnoxious (your computer shouldn't be doing that, that shouldn't be happening, it'll cost you to fix it,  ) and it sent her anxiety soaring while dropping her spirit and energy to the bottom of her being.

i finally took over, called a store near us to speak to someone who is not sitting in a cubicle somewhere in the world, and got a lovely lady on the line who bent over backwards apologizing and making things right for us. happily, we'll get a car to use from a friend who's going out of town for 5 weeks, so we'll be able to bring it to the store on sat.  we were both nearly crying with relief.

i mention my D and her woes a lot cuz it affects me as a mom.  knowing her childhood and my part in some of her problems, i always feel terrible when things don't work out for her after she works so hard, does all the right things, and a bomb still gets laid in her lap.  as difficult as this has been for me, i know it's been more difficult at some levels for her, and that hurts my mother heart.  i'm so thankful this is going to get worked out at last, but what a rough road to get there.

so, the stress of this move isn't over yet, altho it has been smoothing out a bit especially in the past 3 days.  (weirdly enough, as the stress levels have gone down cuz we aren't in crisis at the moment, that's when the anxiety hits with a bang.  we'll have to get used to not living in crisis again, which i'm sure will take some time.) we'll be walking again for groceries and stuff, which is more than a mile one way, so we have that to look forward to until we can possibly save up to get another car.  i'm exhausted all the time, have found little bumpies on parts of me now that weren't there before, have taken to wearing depends at nite cuz i've been sleeping so hard i can't wake up to make it to the toilet, headaches, tired, grainy eyes. 

this continuing stress, well, it's been with us since the owner of our house decided to put it up for sale last sept., and my body is letting me know it's not happy about it.  geez, it would be nice to have a break, one that lasts for a long while.  hard to trust that will happen, tho.  fingers crossed and prayers flying.

there is a fitness center in this complex and i've been able to begin getting into a regimen again of working out.  i prefer free weights, but these machines are all they have, so that's one more big change to adapt to.  still, i'm not really complaining.  i'm so glad to be able to get my muscles to exercise again.  and we're on the third floor, so walking those steps every day when we go for a walk is doing the trick for my legs.  i'm feeling compelled to get my body back, at least into decent shape for my age.  seems real important right now in order to survive and stay as healthy as possible (haven't smoked since the move)  to help my D out - she couldn't afford this place w/o my soc. sec., - and help her do well with her books.

all in all, i think we'll come out on top.  the mgt. here has been so helpful - they sent a repair guy out the same day we asked about something, and, again, i was almost moved to tears thinking about how much we had to kick and scream in order to get anything done at the house.  this is showing me what a truly horrible experience it was living there.  the location, neighbors, and forest/ocean were helpful for our sanity.  but, i think, in the long run, this place will be able to help us continue with our healing.  it just feels so nice to be in a place where the mgt. gives a damm. 

love to you all for your kindness and concern.

[Tee]

  you can do it remember to breathe

[Hope67]

i think we'll come out on top.  the mgt. here has been so helpful - they sent a repair guy out the same day we asked about something, and, again, i was almost moved to tears thinking about how much we had to kick and scream in order to get anything done at the house.  this is showing me what a truly horrible experience it was living there.  the location, neighbors, and forest/ocean were helpful for our sanity.  but, i think, in the long run, this place will be able to help us continue with our healing.  it just feels so nice to be in a place where the mgt. gives a damm. 

I am so happy to hear that you have found a place that will be able to help you continue with your healing - and that the management care.  Such a contrast to everything you had to endure in the other place.  I am glad to hear that, SanMagic. 

I am late with this hug, but it is heart-felt and a really big one for you:



I also want to put this symbol  as I hope you have sweet dreams and feel safer in your new home.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

all in all, i think we'll come out on top.  the mgt. here has been so helpful ... but, i think, in the long run, this place will be able to help us continue with our healing.  it just feels so nice to be in a place where the mgt. gives a damm.

I was delighted to read this, San. It sounds like this might be a place where you can find stability and healing after everything you've been through.

[sanmagic7]

tee, thanks for the reminder and the encouragement.  breathing is sooooo important! 

thanks, hope for your validation and your big hug.  it's never too late, as far as i'm concerned.  i appreciate it just as much as everyone else's. 

snowdrop, those big hugs were wonderful to see and they felt so good.  thank you! 

still under a lot of stress, especially about what's going to happen w/ the car - we're hoping to hear this weekend and hopefully be done with it one way or another.  we are also getting the use of our former neighbor's car beginning today, and that's going to be wonderful for 5 weeks.  we might be able to return to the farmers mkt. to sell our books for a few sundays, at least.  i hope so.

the stress has taken a major toll on both of us, both physically and mentally/emotionally.  the weariness seems overwhelming at times, my anxiety is ramping up in the evenings again, and my mind is so full of crisis mode still that my therapy sessions are mostly me just venting about what else has gone wrong in the past few days.  my t makes sympathetic noises and validating responses, and that's all i'm capable of for about the past month.

coming out of crisis mode, while it may sound good on paper, has its own baggage.  crisis is a great distraction, of sorts, covering over normal triggers, but once the crisis begins settling down, the old baggage has a chance to rear its ugly head.  i think that's what's happening with my anxiety now, and even feeling an overload of discomfort (which immediately translates to anxiety) at several things on tv that i might have normally simply overlooked.  it feels like i'm more sensitive than ever right now, which gives the anxiety a chance to make itself known more often.

it's frustrating.  it felt like i was making progress, and this may simply be part of it, i don't know, but it's frightening at the same time.  even as i'm getting my room closer and closer to how it will ultimately be, i'm anxious about all this being taken away from me, that somehow we won't be able to afford to stay here.  i only have my monthly bit that i contribute, so the rest of it falls on my D to make sure she gets enough clients to make up the slack.  possible catastrophizing?  don't know.  but it feels like a real thing, and i don't like it.

that's all i can write.  just became drained.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, those warm, embracing hugs soothe my soul.  thank you and back atcha.   

still feeling crappy, but as i lay in bed this morning, crapola surrounding my being, i decided (finally) to do something that would make me feel better, so i went to the gym.  i was right.  just being in that atmosphere, encouraging my muscles to do what they're meant to do, was uplifting.  i feel so good about going, feel so good about having gone, feel my muscles singing.  i'm not doing anything near what i used to do 40 yrs. ago, which was something i had to come to terms with, but i can now acknowledge i'm not where i used to be in that area, and that's the way it is.  my body is completely different now, and deserves to be treated differently.

so, i made one good thing happen for myself, which i will punctuate with a  .

i talked to my t about my fears of enjoying this new place as i'm putting together a room that is exactly what i want - calming, comfortable, full of things that have a sentimental meaning for me (some of which i've managed to retain thru countless moves), my writings.  altho i've lost so much over the years, i'm going to believe that these are the things i'm meant to have for this time in my life. 

my fears, tho, are getting in the way of just being able to relax and feel settled.  i'm scared that my D won't get enough clients down the road to keep us viable to pay the rent and bills.  never had this kind of fear before, and it's really bothering me.  my t said we should be able to make it go away with some emdr when i'm ready.  hopefully, that'll be next week.  and, anxiety was quite high all day yesterday.  maybe it's cause this weekend we should hear definitely about the car, if they'll take it back and erase the rest of what we owe, or if we're going to take it to the junkyard for parts, and have to keep paying.  fingers crossed it's the former.  we just want to be done w/ all of what was now.  i've been in that space for quite a while, and i'm glad my D has finally gotten there.

ok, enough.  even writing here takes a lot of energy, still.  hopefully soon i'll have enough to comment and respond to others.  for now, this is all i've got.  thanks for all the support.  it truly helped.

[rainydiary]

San, I'm glad you found something that felt supportive to your body by going to the gym.  I appreciate you sharing. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  i was almost surprised at how good it made me feel, even if only for a little while (the rest of the day was long and arduous, and i ended up completely spent, physically).

i'm anticipating hearing from the people who sold us the car today, and i can feel my anxiety ramping up.  looks like it will be xanax time soon, because the pressure of this anticipation is becoming huge and heavy.

this kind of thing never used to affect me like this in the past.  i don't know if it's still a remnant of all i've discovered in the past 6 yrs. about me and traumatization, or if the accumulation of even more trauma from our entire living situation for the past years is making even the smallest of things seem nearly insurmountable.  i'm feeling so much more sensitive to anything that directly affects my life now, including making small phone calls to the pharmacy to see if my script is ready.  it's bugging me no end.

i'm guessing i'll just have to wait this out until stability settles in.  until then, awful.  i just responded to a few journal posts, and it wore me out.  i used to . . . wait, i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore.  hmmm...that feels like it might be right.  i'll bring it up with my t this week, but any opinions are welcome.

[BeeKeeper]

san,

I really love how you caught yourself saying this, then took it one step further.

i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore. 

Choices!

[Armee]

... wait, i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore.  hmmm...that feels like it might be right.  i'll bring it up with my t this week, but any opinions are welcome.

I don't have answers for you, of course. I do have a close personal relationship with "I used to" - as in I used to be ok, stuff used to not bother me, I used to be able to just let this stuff mow me down and be ok with it." But of course, with the cost of completely shutting myself off. So even though it FEELS like I used to be better, I was just numb and nonexistent. I doubt this is exactly the same for you, but feeling worse or more anxious may be a good sign of improvement, in a way, as you cross over into a more healed, more peaceful state.

I read about everything that went wrong with the move, and also the good stuff, and your worry about your daughter being able to make ends meet. It's a lot to be dealing with and trying to figure out and so much instability right now.

I wish you nothing but peace as you take these big small steps to be in a better place, like going to your new gym and being gentle and understanding of yourself.

I appreciate your kind supportive words in my journal, but I would love for you to skip replying in my journal to protect yourself and your energy. Simple hugs, too, let me know you've got my back.

[Armee]

Just sending out a big warm hug for you, San, wherever you are emotionally today. 

[Hope67]

this kind of thing never used to affect me like this in the past.  i don't know if it's still a remnant of all i've discovered in the past 6 yrs. about me and traumatization, or if the accumulation of even more trauma from our entire living situation for the past years is making even the smallest of things seem nearly insurmountable.  i'm feeling so much more sensitive to anything that directly affects my life now, including making small phone calls to the pharmacy to see if my script is ready.  it's bugging me no end.

i'm guessing i'll just have to wait this out until stability settles in.  until then, awful.  i just responded to a few journal posts, and it wore me out.  i used to . . . wait, i do say and think 'i used to . . .' a lot.  maybe i've got to ultimately realize and accept (2 different concepts) that i really don't have to do things the way i used to cuz i'm not the person i used to be anymore.  hmmm...that feels like it might be right.  i'll bring it up with my t this week, but any opinions are welcome.

Hi SanMagic,
You said that 'any opinions are welcome' so I am thinking through what my opinion might be - I have no idea, but I'll just keep writing and hopefully something will come together - I can just say that as I read what you wrote, and thought about all the things you've been through in recent months (as well as past times too) I think you've had an incredible amount of things to deal with - and none of them are easy things to negotiate and deal with.  So I think that you are strong to have gone through those things.

Even on top of all of that, you still attempted to respond to a couple of journal posts, and felt like it wore you out - I think that you're strong to have even attempted to do that - let alone accomplished responding to a couple.

Someone said to me in my journal - possibly Blueberry, that I should be 'gentle with myself' - and I found that to be really helpful, and not dissimilar to things you've said to me in the past too - about pacing.  So I would also like to say to you SanMagic, that I hope you are able to be gentle to yourself, and pace yourself too.  Go at whatever pace feels right to you. 

I also wanted to send you a really big hug  and I also want to say    That's because you do! 

Hope