dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry

So, I don't know if I wrote this or not  before, but my initial impressions of this person (romantic interest) was that he doesn't seem like the relationship type about a year ago. Fast forward to now, and what's going on, when I feel like perhaps my initial impressions were correct (and this person is not approaching me to chat etc when I've broken the ice three times or so), but when I give them space after it seems like they're not interested, they seem to half pursue. Again, this behaviour is bringing up alarm bells, which part of me wants to excuse with perhaps I'm  not communicating, pushing them away. But at the same time, they are alarm bells.

What I'm curious about though is what if my initial impressions were correct? Why did I feel like I discounted that, or how am I rearranging what I want now (a relationship) to accommodate this person? Mostly subconsciously I think. I felt in the beginning, I did pull back because I wondered why they were interested in me now - did they want me now because my body has changed in a year? This brings up the initial feeling I had that they did want something from me, but I sort of dismissed that as me projecting past stuff onto him. However, I'm just split and of two minds - that I've been holding back because i have these fears and I guess am sabotaging whatever was happening (ie he's now mirroring my behaviour and witholding), or that I did have valid concerns that seem to now be "true" (that he's not pursuing because he's not the relationship type). It could be that he's mirroring and apprehensive about my behaviour, or it could be the reverse. I guess whatever option is "correct," I now feel like I'm in the position of justifying, proving my behaviour like I did with my mom, or at least, that's what I feel like I have to do. I could also just ask this person what they want from me, and see what they say. Though does feel a bit confrontational. I feel like the uncertainty around this is familiar as is the difficulty of me being able to handle the uncertainty. Though I have got better than in the past. It just feels too overwhelming. And I guess on the other hand is the familiar sadness of being alone like I was growing up.

Basically, here I am running away (?) from a situation/relationship that doesn't feel safe again, and I can't tell if it's in my head or if it's justified.

[dollyvee]

All the above is still complicated for me. It's like watching my brain play out, "is this dangerous for me?" in real time.

Talking with this with t has been a challenge. I can see her perspective that I need to feel the grief from this "loss," but I think there's a miscommunication/understanding on what's going on beneath this and this lack of connection. Or the issues with connection that are coming up. Whether it's good or bad, I have issues (anxiety, feels overwhelming) about someone getting close to me. In the beginning, when the feelings were good, it was well this person seems like the not wanting a relationship person, let's hold back and see what happens. Oh, they've acted in a way that confirms my suspicions (ie it's not going to work out), let's hold back because it feels they're upset and that feels overwhelming/something I don't want to engage in. I don't think it matters how perfect that person is (how harmless they seem etc), if I can't allow someone to be close. Or there is some sequence of events, or magic password (of someone showing how completely HARMLESS they are, like rolling on their belly and what relationship does that?) that I don't know, or have the keys to in my body. I feel like this is on my part to deal with.

Maybe I've picked someone again that isn't able to give to me, but as I explained to t, I feel like these parts are out of my awareness. Like it's a deep thing in me that is trying to pick someone to have that connection I didn't have as a baby, thinking this person will be the "one." I don't think that's fair to put on someone else, or expect, especially since I feel like deep down I don't know if I would trust someone with that anyway, and that feels like the issue to me. There isn't something someone can do that I would trust them, or it becomes oveertrusting/trusting the wrong person, and being in the middle trying to work out which one it is I guess? I feel like I've been doing this for 20+ years and I'm tired of it.

What's interesting, and an area where I think t and I are having a difference of opinion, is that this "stuff" is preparts, which has come up again. I felt in the past that even though we have these sensations that are perhaps not defined parts, they still go into the creation of parts. In the Healing Developmental Trauma book, when talking about the survival styles, and I guess the connection survival style, which is formed pre-birth to 6 months, this is described as the development of Self and how we begin to understand ourselves (?). I wonder if this is helps shape our connection the the IFS Self with a capital S? In the Joanne Twombly book, she talked about it not being safe for some children to be in Self and understand what that connection is like. In the Healing and Developmental Trauma book, he talks about the failure to embody (or be in Self?).So, I guess to me, this is our relationships to Self that is formed here in both senses of the word. If we have issues connecting to Self for whatever reason, then parts of us are dissociated as I understand. I could be conflating two things, but this is how I see them connecting.

I guess the issue is is that t sees this as preverbal shock and would like to use DBR which she has brought up in the past. Actually, she hasn't 100% brought it up yet, but I feel like I'm being led in this direction. I told her that I think we're going to have to disagree because I feel like using a process on a part of the brain, which is/might be dissociated and not connected, feels like it would be dropping a bomb underneath the system of parts even if it is not specifically a part. I guess how to get parts on board when they're not actually a part, and/or when it doesn't feel safe to be in Self? I think t is really trying to help and does care. I just feel like this is a new situation where I'm having to say (like in the book), I trust that I know what works for me only it brings up again all those times that I felt like I was being "difficult." Let's see what happens. It's like being in that place on the outside again it sort of feels like for "standing up" for myself, but again, being alone.

[dollyvee]

Simmered a lot with conversation with t last night. I feel exhausted trying to have to explain why I think someone is angry (or upset, or defensive - could be all of the above) when human beings read energy and non-verbal communication. I feel like I can tell if something is off/angry by the look in their eye when they're looking at me. I guess what I find frustrating is that I'm having to explain/defend this when we could've been talking about the patterns coming up, or how it was like when my m looked at me that way, or what I did to deal with it then (probably shut down) vs. what I could do to deal with it now. Not if what I was feeling was "true."

Interestingly, I watched this video by Heidi Priebe today and I think it touched on this whole "drama"/whatever is happening with this person. In it she says that people with low self-esteem/attachment issues can feel like they don't matter (which was shown to them growing up), so they feel like their actions don't have an impact on the people around them. Or, IMO, vice versa (which I think is where t is coming from) is that they "caused" it. What stood out for me, is that underneath it all, I feel like people won't want me, or there will be something better that comes along (ie I don't matter), and once I see evidence of that, I am caught in a negative feedback loop about the other person and that's what my brain goes with to protect me. Oh they seem off, they're rejecting me. They looked at someone else, I must be a placeholder. But in the beginning, it's me saying they're not really going to want me anyway because that was my experience growing up, or they're only going to want me because they want something from me. I think this is very true for how I go into dating in general. I think I used to feel like this with friendships, but maybe a little less now.

It's interesting too how "they want me/don't want me" defines my right to exist as a child, and how maybe I'm carrying this over now. For me, I feel like it comes down to protection (is it dangerous/not dangerous), which is what I must have felt as a baby, and it's either on or off. Like can I attach, or do I have to protect myself? I feel like I subconsciously look for this a lot, and it's a lot less about what I (self) feels ie do I enjoy this, is it pleasurable etc. I also feel like maybe this is something under the radar and difficult to turn off. That anxious feeling where it's just overwhelming. I think this relates to what she explains as not going into situations authentically where we are trying to get these needs met (in probably a subconscious way). So, if subconsciously, I feel like life is overwhelming and I need protection, then I won't be actually getting the need met that I want (an equal and caring relationship).

I also had a dream last night that maybe relates to the above. An old roommate from my early 20s came up who was a lot more sexually adventurous at the time than I was. In the dream, I moved into her apartment, which I think is maybe similar to the ways I looked to her that she was doing better in life than I was. I think I had a very "pure" version of someone liking me that just never seemed to happen (probably because I never thought I was good enough, that someone wouldn't want me). I can actually remember having a crush on someone all through first year at uni, watching him from afar and finally my (another) friend was like this is ridiculous, you guys need to meet. We did, and he was really nice. However, he couldn't make a date and had some function for work, and I was leaving to go away. I took it really personally, which I think was probably confirmation to me that he didn't want me etc, and maybe even this kind of relationship (nice feeling?) that I want doesn't exist. Ie there's something wrong with me. So, I kind of looked to what other people were doing (the roommate) because what I seemed to be doing didn't work for me and I felt like I wasn't good enough. However, I didn't see that I was maybe trying to win the love of people who couldn't love me like that (my FOO). I guess I started doing things that brought me further away from the connection I wanted, but maybe, paradoxically closer over time as I had to figure out (the hard way it felt like) what wasn't working.

It's also really interesting that I had a dream the other week about my gm and how she was supposed to give me some juice, but never ended up giving me any. (Juice symbolized life force and vitality). Maybe, like the above, where I was trying different things that I hoped would work out because what I (thought I) was doing wasn't working, to get the illusion of love (from my FOO), and where I wasn't actually getting any juice. I guess in simpler terms, maybe I was doing something to get the illusion of love that I thought I needed. Looking back on it, I think that guy at uni was really sweet and genuine, and there was something there that I think would have been fulfilling for me, but I needed that "immediate" love/validation/connection/however to describe it to fill the void of FOO. Like if you can't love me like this, right in this way, now, I'm out. Not overly harsh or demanding, but maybe petualant and immature. Tbh I still think I'm doing this to an extent which is maybe why I had the dream with my gm, but I don't really understand how (I was going to say "turn it off, but on reflection, these are parts coming I think that are asking to be heard. I think /feel I've done a good job of trying to turn them off and navigate it, but it doesn't mean they aren't there, it's not a need, and it's the healthiest way to approach it). It's interesting that I haven't noticed this really immediate need to be "loved"/validated in this specific way or it's done (don't know how to describe it) before. It's like I'm not leaving space for the other person to show up, or leave them too much space to show up in a specific way, which I don't think is fair. I wonder where that's coming from.

Long, convoluted post hahaha processing stuff. So, my apologies if it doesn't make sense  

The Biggest Blindspot Of People With Low Self-Esteem (& How To Keep It From Ruining Relationships)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFUIv2YXRjw

[dollyvee]

I feel like this is looking at the problem from the "other side," seeing that I'm going into situation as they don't want me/ won't want me. It felt sort of similar to the brick to the head, but not quite as strong; just as if I was "split," or open.

What's funny in writing that is I remembered my gm telling me one time when I was maybe 5/6/7 that one day, I won't want her anymore. Also when I was in the change room yesterday, I overheard another woman saying how her husband found a younger woman and moved on. Something my gm talked about a lot too. I guess why it's funny is because I came here to write about a part I met last night that reminded me of my gm. I woke up in the middle of the night and was sort of ruminating on dissociation and doing DBR with dissociation, and guess I "felt" the dissociated parts, and up it popped. I immediately thought, it reminds me of my gm, and tried to ask it if it was a part of me, but it was veery sheepish and didn't want to talk. What I think is interesting too, is that this feels like anxiety of people coming close to me, or what does it want? When I tried to deal with the part I sort of felt sleepy and checked out, but it also felt like I went back to the place of feeling helpless and having no boundaries. I also tried to check in that I was in Self, and was curious about the part.

I guess I was worried about containing the part, so asked it to go into a waiting room. I noticed that I had an image of the recent romantic interest that I've been dealing with come up, and it was like I could see warmth in him. There was no being on alert (or he's going to leave me for someone else etc). My image of this part is that they look quite sad, and a little pathetic like I want to help them, but also that they say they want to help me, and it feels like not help, but a form of "helping" where it's actually a sort of sabotage.

After that, I had a dream with my gm in it where she and my sgf were sitting in a car in this plastic greenhouse/round garage. She was being critical (and controlling though it's funny because I think it's hard for me to see that despite me having this great aversion to being "controlled"), and I am pulling out the pegs/bolts so the door can be opened. Afterwards, I am in a car park being chased by a group of men, and I escape by running into a flat, which they are guarding the entrances to. When I looked up greenhouse in the dream dictionary, it says process of transformation, or you may be too overcontrolling and want things done your way, but are in the process of isolating yourself. This reminded me of my gm and how when my gf would do out, if he was gone for more than an hour (or something), she would call him so he would come home. I remember thinking, he's off with friends two doors away, but she didn't really like to go out and would just sit at home. (I can see how I also like doing this, just sort of being on my own).

I think these are very much underlying things coming up that are outside my usual frame of awareness. I think perhaps the part is not mine, but I have taken it on to some degree to "help" because she "needs" it. However, there's also the other side, controlling and manipulative, which tells me it's an act. This is something I grappled with (and the guilt for not "helping") for a long time. I wonder if the feeling of they won't want me is passed down in this part?

[dollyvee]

I also want to say that, for everyone, man this stuff is hard. I can also see the "loop" of feeling rejected byy people growing up might enforce the feeling that no one would want me, but my gm was "there" for me when others weren't. Of course, I could have been expecting people (kids/teens) to fill a need that the family and gm created in the first place, which wasn't essentially "authentic," but like "believe all this stuff about my family/me that isn't 'true'" (not sure how to put this).

[NarcKiddo]

So much of what you write always resonates with me, dollyvee.

Your last comment about having a need that the family created in the first place, and therefore not an authentic need of your own, particularly resonates with me. I am familiar with the feeling of having to fit into a certain mould. My mother was and remains very performative in terms of meeting the needs of others but I have realised they are mostly needs she finds convenient to fulfil or which will make her look/feel good or virtuous.

Like you, I have developed an enormous aversion to being controlled. It can make me somewhat perverse at times - if I feel I am being railroaded into something I will do my utmost to find a way out of it, even if the thing in question is something I might actually enjoy.

This new part you met last night is interesting - I'm glad you were able to corral it in a waiting room while you considered what to do. I wonder if/when it will come back.

[Papa Coco]

Dolly,

Powerful dream! I use the dreamer's dictionaries also. I have learned a few good things through my dreams.

What I mostly resonate with is your later comment "Man this stuff is hard!"

Hard is a good word. Because I see our brains as having once been moldable, soft, juicy clay. Our FOOs and our schools and churches were able to mold that clay into shapes that THEY wanted to mold us into. In our teens, the kiln hardened that clay into the shape THEY chose for us.

Now we are trying to reshape that clay into what WE want to be, but that clay is hardened. How do we turn an ashtray into a flowerpot once the clay has been hardened and glazed in the kiln?

Man, this stuff is hard.

[dollyvee]

Thanks NK and PC 

I started another entry with some notes I took from the PGTHDT book but feel I need to write about something else that's come up. I think it's a correlation of things. I had a dream last night that I was back in the house with my dad and my cousin was there. I used to go back to this house a a lot in dreams, but rarely have them now. What I think/realized is that this was a place/time when I started to throw myself into my studies/work I guess as a way to cover up some of the other things that were going on. It also gave me an identity I think. Perhaps this is/was a coping mechanism that also cuts me off from love and closeness.

Someone posted the other week about memory and being able to remember who their teachers were. I tried to write these down and had almost all of them grades 1-7 except grade 5 (and one of the teachers from grade 7 which is another story). I can remember the classroom and there were two teachers actually as it was large and open, with two rooms that were connected. I think I can remember their faces too, a bit. After I did this, I remembered that this was the summer I went to Europe with my m and gm where, reflecting on it this morning, I was basically psychologically punished for two months by my m with my gm drinking and letting it happen, but also sort of scolding m for doing it. Grade 5 was the first year I went to live with my dad, and this was the summer after grade 5. I remember a picture I had from a team I was on before I went on that trip. I was happy, like I was finding my place, was encouraged by my dad, made to feel like a person, that I mattered. Then I think about what I looked like after that trip, or on that trip. It's not so much that I gained a lot of weight (because I was eating to deal with my m's abuse and essentially treating me like I didn't matter, that she didn't "want" me, that I abandoned her), but also that I remember just feeling so lost and empty. My sibling had just been born as well, and my m lavished attention on him and shunned me, but I never held it against him. I loved him.

I thought back to a time when I was 21 and worked in a pub in Scotland. I think I had been through my first t and had tried to get my m to come in so I could talk to her about things, where she just took it as I was telling her she was a bad mother. I overheard a comment that one of the women made towards me, I think because I was so skittish, with empathy about how some mothers treat their children. At the time, I'm pretty sure I felt shame about this. Now I feel grief? tears? sadness? at how a total stranger could see that?

Perhaps this is coming up because I feel there was something in the "romantic interest's" behaviour that I didn't like, and didn't feel like this person would be on my side. It just really stuck out as, I can't take this on, or work with that. I guess it's a boundary instead of feeling/thinking how can I work with this to make it work. What came up afterwards was anxiety and an anticipation of retaliation, or revenge. I can see perhaps, given my m's behaviour, why I would think this. I also tried thinking about the incident that happened from "adult consciousness" and was just hit with a lot of emotion/sadness/tears and feeling of how people have treated me badly, or just been awful to me. But it wasn't a feeling of self-pity sadness that I sometimes feels happens when reflecting on this stuff, but genuine grief (?) about it. I don't know how to describe it. I know this time happened with my m, but I guess this is like seeing it from a different side. I've felt anxiety (?) after setting this boundary/realizing what my boundary is (that I can have one), and I think this is where it's coming from.

[dollyvee]

I think there's been a lot coming up lately with regards to this situation with this person, in whatever fantasy or reality concept in my mind. I'm glad to write my dreams down here and it sort of highlights what's going on.

I decided to try and see a NARM therapist and have been for two sessions now. It's an interesting concept and differs from "normal" therapy, or what I'm used to, in that there is frequent, or regular check ins about how I'm feeling about something and just noticing what is going on in the body after I've shared something for example. At the end of the session, we talked about a "knot," or seeing the two sides of trusting this person. I actually don't 100% remember what she said which I will bring up, but I did feel like an animal pinned down, struggling to escape when trying to take this in, and checking in what was going on in the body. I couldn't locate any parts that I think felt it would be ok (or supportive parts? I can't remember). I feel like wow, we just went right to the issue there.

Interestingly, I ended up seeing this person at the gym after the session and I had the same feeling/reaction, and that I couldn't trust them and was the same pinned animal trying to escape, even though I think their initial response to me when I noticed them around was ok (I don't know how to frame it, it didn't feel negative). After seeing/feeling like they would be on the side of someone else who is jealous/reacts in a similar way to my m (?), I don't feel like it's a safe situation for me. However, at the same time, I can see that there is probably some old stuff coming up as well that is coloring my reaction to things. After this, I feel like I'm feeling a lot today. I'm also noticing i'm getting quite frustrated at certain things not working properly. 

Right now I feel like I'm really dealing with or feeling the garbage I had to go through for standing up for myself when I was eight. It's funny now how I think this is coming up again when, for example, I feel I have to "stand up" against jealousy or competitive behaviour from other women around romantic interests, and I feel like that is being seen as "wrong," or "bad," by this romantic interest and how again, I'm somehow at fault for it. So, the only thing I feel I can do is remove myself from the situation. Whether or not that's true or the case, I guess remains to be seen. I feel like there's always some "crazy" woman that I have to deal with in these situations, which I guess is like dealing with myy m all over again.

[NarcKiddo]

It can be hard to unpick what is a reaction from the past and what is a reaction to the present. So I think it pays to think about reactions, as you are doing. I think that if you analyse the reaction the first time you have it then you have less chance of it "sticking" automatically. If there is doubt then you are in a better position to analyse again the next time you come across that person. You're not boxing yourself into a position based on trauma.

That said, I often find that it is very hard work to unpick a trauma reaction, and very emotionally draining. Sometimes I just go with the reaction even if I know it is a trauma reaction. For instance, I will sometimes find myself going to visit FOO because it feels the "least worst" option if I am not feeling strong enough to reject the visit. I thought T might not approve but she says that it is fine to do that. The important thing is that I am making an active and informed decision and not just following a knee-jerk trauma reaction.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Wow, that is great that you've found a NARM therapist, and that you found the first couple of sessions to be helpful. 

I hope you'll be able to untangle more of your feelings around that romantic interest person, and work out what you want from stuff related to that. 

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you NK and Hope 

Hmmm I think it's very difficult not to fall into a reaction seeing this person. My initial feeling (looking back because I can't seem to come out of it in the present; I'm not sure what's going on lately but it's been hard to 'step back') is that it's sadness and feeling like I "hurt" this person by feeling like I had to stand up for myself (because of someone else's jealousy and unfair reactions). When I put it in black and white like that, it seems like a repeat of how I felt after I decided to leave my m's house as a nine year old after my sf's treatment of me (with, I guess, some element of worrying what the retaliation will be for it). Maybe there's also the familiar feeling of sadness because I had to do this for myself, and it means I'll be on my own. Last session new t congratulated me on making that decision so young and I asked how I felt about that. I said it's hard to connect to, or think about it in that context because it was like it was "beaten out" of me later, and I was very much punished for doing that. Maybe this is how this part stays stuck in the past by forever thinking there that I must punish myself, or there will be punishment for having boundaries? Or that if I set boundaries, I must be on my own?

I think it's also hard because I don't think my reactions are happening in a vacuum and I'm sure there are things that he's dealing with based on my reactions as well. Anyways, I don't know if I'm just torturing myself all oveer again for doing something that's right for me, even if it means leaving someone behind that I might care about (based on how they've treated me - and now my brain says maybe that 'treatment' is a projection of what happened in the past so you can 'protect' yourself  ). I guess I just hope there's someone who's patient enough to sit with me even with their own stuff while I figure it out.

________________________________

New t and I have been talking about "not doing" things, or working so hard. I admit, I didn't react well, or I guess am proud of my work ethic as I also think it's been a benefit to me. Then I remembered that this feeling of "being a caged animal' was familiar and I had felt it before with a "mom part" in IFS. So, I went back to read my old IFS entries and was quite shocked at what I found, how "real" those parts are. The mom part started off as another part who was busy all the time. I likened it to the guy who spoke really fast in commercials. If you grew up in the 80s in North America, you probably know who I'm talking about. What struck me is that this part is really busy I guess and "zooms" everywhere. This part also resulted in a, or morphed into another part which was like a pinned animal when I asked it questions.

When I had some energy work done, flowers came up for me as a source of healing (and connection I think) and colours. I've always loved being in the garden and flowers, but it was also like something was in the way? Or that other people have to be on board before I can enjoy it? There was an IFS entry where I gave one of the parts flowers and she seemed to like it very much. I'm not sure what makes me doubt (?) the realness or validity of my own internal experiences sometimes. Or maybe it's the lack of being able to form a connection with it (dissociation?). I feel like I'm thankful for writing these experiences down in my journal with openness about what happened.

I also want to say that when I went back and read these things, it was like my brain felt different. That there was some ease, less "zooming," but then I think there's a part that gets worried about that ease, or feeling things like that. I feel like it's hard to connect to parts right now.

[NarcKiddo]

Ha! Another person who does not react well when a T gently suggests taking a step back and having some rest might be a good idea. Yeah, that resonates.

It feels like a positive development that your brain felt different when reading those things, given that you felt more ease and less zooming. It also stands to reason that not all parts might be on board with that feeling. The unfamiliar is always a challenge. It can also be very hard to accept that old coping mechanisms are no longer helpful, and may even be harmful now, because our lived experience of them is that they were helpful back then. I guess there have to be parts who go around saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and maybe they need more convincing that some fixing is needed now? Just thinking out loud here.

Since we haven't got a flowers emoticon, here's some sunshine to make the flowers bloom for you: 

[dollyvee]

Thanks NK - it's funny to think how much of a protection mechanism it is to "work hard," and not even realize that that's what it is. It was such a prized attribute in my family too. But I guess I can see it as a form of control too, the always having to do something to (maybe) be a step ahead for whatever impending doom is about to come, in relationships and life. I can also see how maybe that "impending doom" is generational though I'm not entirely sure how to handle that yet. Well, I tried in my IFS before I think but maybe I need to build my trust in Self first. I hope you're enjoying the sunshine too.
____________________
It did come down to me feeling like the "stuff" wasn't all mine when we discussed the feeling of the knot and the caged animal metaphor came up. I said that this sort of frozen feeling, or being stuck (?), is when I start feeling like this has to do with other people in my family and goes back to their views of how unsafe the world is/was etc. I guess maybe I'm carrying that too. When I had the reaction to this person the other day, there were people around that I don't see as "safe," or are competitive and I think maybe that had something to do with wanting to push someone away.

What's interesting too, is that this zoomer part had to take on, or there was an element of men thinking she was stupid, dumb blonde etc. So, maybe this competitive 'guy' energy triggered that part as well? I'm not really sure how people don't get triggered by blatant sexism/wanting freedom and independence from that, but I think that's a theme in my life and the women in my FOO's as well. They were in controlling, jealous relationships and I'm trying to avoid that at all costs. Maybe this is another theme that I'm playing out, and or projecting. Am I testing this person to see if they're going to be jealous and controlling, and not telling them that I've been on my phone because of work etc as they had done with me? (I wrote that and got the sensation of likmaid (how do I even remember that name?) which is a sugar/candy thing I used to eat all the time when I was young (7 and younger). It reminds me very much of the time I lived with my m and probably pre sf where I was on my own a lot and used to ride to the 7-11 to buy candy. Maybe when we lived at sf's house too, which was only a street away from our old house. I very rarely have visceral memories of that time. If I think about it, this is probably around the time I really had to start shutting down my emotions because of my m's behaviour and then because of my sf's. Enjoying this was probably a treat. Maybe it was from an even younger age as well.)

I would like to feel compassion for this person beyond whatever stuff is going on with me too.

[dollyvee]

I found myself talking about something unexpected yet had such a place of prominence in my family and relationships with the NARM t yesterday - money. It was such a thread in the relationship between my gm and gf, between my m and me, between my m and gf. It was a form of control - if you don't do this, you will be cut off. So, it's kind of interesting how I avoid money, or it doesn't seem to factor in consciously when I'm thinking about relationships, but it reared its head and all the business after my m's death with the brother, sf, sgf. NARM t said, how does it feel that they actually stole from you (my brother and sgf)? There was no dancing around it, having to try and prove what was going on (who was lying and who wasn't), trying to prove I think on some level my "innocence." She said no wonder you feel like someone is going to take something from you (I also replied that my m and gm I think have been taking from me for longer than that, and gf), but it's true. And, for whatever reason, these are all the things I've tried to hide about my family. For shame? That people will then think I'm like this and judge me for it? But here I am too, trying to "hold on" and prove that I'm "good," I'm not like that.

When she asked me how I felt about that, I said it made me feel small, like someone could do that to me. I guess it's hard too, to not to be cynical when you've had these experiences? I also thought after how usually there is a part that is worried it will be believed and has to try and prove it; I guess looks for a witness or "back up." I think there's also another part that's worried about survival on some level. If people take from me, how will I survive? I need this, I have to protect this (or I am unprotected on the other hand), that I think has kept me in that drama, or engaged with the family on some level.

I'm also realizing that m and I's final fight was about helping me as a co-signor for some finance. There were a lot of battles about her helping me financially (just doing the basics as a mother sometimes), where I felt supported as a child/dependent. But that help etc never seemed to be there, and that's when my gf would step in, but it also had to be "proved," and to be on his terms etc (to have this to 'exist'). I guess that felt "safe" until I did something to upset him etc. I think this was a thread between him and my m as well. My gm would also get involved subtly in my gf's relationships and tell me that if he married so and so, there would be nothing for us kids. It's funny that after my m's passing, when it was essentially his money and where it was going that was being discussed, sgf and gm were talking about getting a lawyer after my brother "suggested" (lied) that there was money coming to them. All these facades of "care," but at the end of the day it's what are people taking (stealing from me, and me having to prove my right to it/to be here), watching my brother tell lies and have people defend him/support him (at my expense).