Moving Forwards

[sanmagic7]

my dear blueberry, so very sorry you're down for the count right now.  sending a bouquet of lilacs and daisies to help bring a bit of brightness to your day. 

also wanted to thank you for all you do on this forum.  you're wonderful.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Oh Blueberry,

I wish I could help you get cozy, make you some tea, and give you what you need to huddle down for a long restorative rest.

I've been feeling the same way and it is unsettling. Like you, I'm trying to clear stuff off my plate to honor what my mind and body are telling me they need.

Thank you for telling us what would be helpful if we see signs an EF is in play.

[Blueberry]

Thank you san for those lovely flowers and the love.  right backatcha.

Armee, you helped me get tea for myself and spend most of the day cozy in bed! Your post is also validating my need to have a pretty long period of rest, which in turn helps me to err on the side of caution e.g. about letting students return and about going back up to the farm for my off-and-on work there. So thank you! You're the best!     

I'm sorry to hear you feel like you're in a similar situation. I hope you can give yourself what you need too 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I also like the sound of a 'pretty long period of rest' - it sounds really good.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope 
I'm actually being quite active, considering it's a period of rest!

I get it now though. I need to do activities that help stabilise me. These can be (1) things that bring me joy. Or (2) activities where I'm physically engaged without it being something that tends to trigger me. I also need to get back into a position (3) where I feel 'part of the group' IRL. Or rather part of several groups, so not an outcast after having said 'No' and set various boundaries and seen that some long-term friends are in fact not friends. So doing activities where I can feel part of the group without doing too much, expecting too much of myself etc.

Yesterday I went to choir practice: JOY and accepted part of the group. Also some physical engagement involved in singing and in getting there
Today I cycled about 20km there and back to collect a second-hand, out-of-print book from somebody: physical engagement (cycling); JOY at cycling and at seeing the passing countryside and looking at the book.
Yesterday I went to a boardgames group I used to go to regularly. This was the first time since Corona that it has taken place: accepted part of the group; joy.
Today I didn't get out of bed till noon. I accepted that I needed the rest. I accomplished a lot yesterday, so today I needed some recuperation
Today and Tuesday and Sunday I let some people dig up a few of my excess plants and take them off to their own gardens. This helps me feel an accepted part of society because I'm doing something beneficial for other people. I'm also happy that I now have more space in my garden for other plants and that I got this space after other people did the too-much-for-me physical work with the spade JOY.

[Not Alone]

 

For doing activities that brought you joy and/or a feeling of belonging.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, your entry really resonated with me.  I am glad to read about your joys and identifying ways to feel connection.

[Armee]

 

JOY!!!

It's such a welcome feeling. I love when it visits and i love that you are actively cultivating it.

[sanmagic7]

you are amazing, blueberry.  so glad you are finding moments and activities that bring joy to your life.  you deserve it so very much.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you all 

I've been cultivating JOY on and off for years. Maybe about 10 or 12 years ago I wrote Daily Joys in a little book every evening for months. I still have all my little books, but I know without reading them what consistently brings me joy. Sometimes I go back to consciously looking for it and at least noting it consciously in my mind.

Identifying ways to feel connection is newer, but it has been helpful. It seems, touch wood, that I'm out of my EF, but I can still feel how much I need to keep grounding, catching up with things, but not doing too much, resting and recuperating. Also making sure I keep a good balance between catching up with things that are joy-enducing and/or grounding and things that are more difficult, even potentially triggering e.g. a bunch of letters and emails I intend to write sometime.

It was a lovely sunny day today, probably the last sunny autumn weekend where garden work can still be appealing. So I spent the afternoon and early evening there, joined by my little 4-legged furry lawnmowers, last weekend for them too I'm sure.

[sanmagic7]

finding that balance can take a while, for sure.  it's like an experiment, testing this water, then that, to see which works for you, which is refreshing, which quenches your thirst, being careful not to spill all over yourself.  sounds like you're making progress.  so glad to see that.  sending love and a hug filled with eureka moments!

[Blueberry]

Thank you san 

____________________
Today I'm really tired and can't-be-bothered. I have a bunch of Coulds on my Highly Necessary + Could list. Haven't even done all the Highly Necessaries never mind made much of an indent on the Coulds. Sat in the sun at my kitchen table playing Patience over and over again. I guess I needed that so I'm accepting the activity.

I'm probably a little triggered again because I had some guarded contact with both No-longer-friends yesterday. One just on the subject of talking to my godson which I then subsequently did. But then it occurred to me that he will notice that I didn't ask to speak to him M afterwards. He's not stupid, he must notice that his M and I are having some friendship issues. The other one dropped by at my invitation actually to collect a bunch of herbs of which too many are growing in my garden. I realised by the time she went away that it will now be harder for me to write what I intended to but have not yet had the wherewithal.

I've also been eating more than I should but that didn't resolve anything. No big surprise there, but shows me there's something going on emotionally/psychologically that I could do EFT on or put up my imaginary Screen or otherwise process.

I also intended to clean the business toilet yesterday or this early morning but I didn't manage either. I know there's some issue there, something triggering from the past, but I don't know what it is. On Saturday when I was in my office with my windows wide open to let in the sunshine and warm air, business neighbour dropped by with a book for me to read, something like 'Conversations with God' and about tone of voice and how you speak to people. He claimed to have read it in his native language and now I'm supposed to read it in the local language. I turned his 'present' down and he went away swearing under his breath. I'm sick of people assuming I need to change and not seeing that they're part of the equation too Maybe that triggered me a bit too because business neighbour dropping by means he hasn't given up on his plans with my electricity outlet after all and is still trying to get me to do things for him and act the way he wants me too. "If I offer to help you (even if you don't need help), then you have to do what I want." seems to be his motto. No wonder that's maddening to the point of triggering me.

Tomorrow I have a business-related workshop all day. Everybody had to hand in some work in advance. I received all the excerpts today and ICr got going at once. In spite of that and feeling self-conscious about my submitted work, I am looking forward to it.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i sincerely hope you can be gentle with yourself as you go thru this.  sending love and a hug filled with self-worth

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, those are good wishes. 

[Armee]

Oh my goodness I am in shock by your business neighbor's attempted gift!!!!! And way to go turning that nonsense down!!!

Sitting at the kitchen table in the sun is my ultimate goal in life. It sounds amazing! When i imagine my perfect life, that has always been it.