Loving people when you feel broken

[Marian82]

I have such a deep sense of shame and fear that i am not good enough, that i think it is hard to be genuinely loving. I feel I often act from a place of fear (trying to be kind to be good enough, while just feeling bad deep down). Which makes me feel unloving and fake, which makes me feel im not good enough again, etc.

How do i escape this trap?

 

[woodsgnome]

Marian82, you've begun by acknowledging how terrible it feels. Perhaps that doesn't sound like much, but having been there myself, I think it is huge -- just to say it, as you've done here.

Like so much of how we struggle, the worst part is when it seems like there aren't always solid answers or easy remedies. After all, we were severely injured at crucial times in our lives. So maybe that points to another step -- deep self-love, which is also a part of recognizing what's happening. The inner critic is ever at the ready to condemn even that, so another help (at least it has been for me) is to keep on trying to get past the inner critic.

You are worthy and deserving of loving respect. Doubts about progress will arise, but instead of finding sure answers maybe it's also okay to 'live the questions'. It means accepting the path, rotten as it's been, but only to this moment -- when despite no solid answers there's still an invitation to ourselves that we have the strength to do better. After all, we made it here. Survival isn't cheap, it's an accomplishment we can build on.

Being here can be lonely, but it's better than where you've been. And there are many reading this who share what it's like but have no words to tell much about it; it just hurts too much.

I'm at a loss, too -- but I can give you some support. I can write that -- but if it's okay I'd like to also support you with this 

'Living the questions', as I've called it, doesn't mean there won't be answers, it just means we are developing the inner strength, against huge odds, to find our way. We might even find ourselves stronger than those who only look the part. And who knows if they aren't the real 'fakes' in all of this anyway?

May you come to finding a way through the state of grief you're in. It's okay, but lessening the self-blame towards yourself is even more important. I wish you well with any way you can do this.

[dreamriver]

First of all Marian82 - a if you need one. If not, please disregard. I'm so sorry you feel this way. It sounds so isolating.

There are so many love languages...being "loving" in either actions or words can take on many forms. It can be a hug. A small gift. Cooking for someone. Being kind. And even telling someone a harsh truth to challenge them to be better people, even if you're afraid it comes off as "mean." It can even be a playful punch to the shoulder and a tease, IME. Love can be conveyed in each of these things.

No matter how it's shown, I think as long as it's received as honest and for someone's ultimate well-being in the end, it is perceived as loving. I struggle with seeming "loving." I think I come off as cold to protect myself, but I'm working on this.

Someone who knows precisely who you are and accepts you will know this is how you express love, even if they sense your shame and fear too. They'll see through that. It will be good enough for them. They will know it is genuine.  For people like us though, these people are rare....I struggle with this, but try to keep my inner critic from exiling my inner child and vulnerable parts from being able to both show and receive love and make sure those people might stick around....

[Marian82]

Thanks you both. That helps. I will respond more later, cant really think straight at the moment.