Further Adventures of Elpha

[Armadillo]

This is utterly beautiful and it feels very honest and true. You are free and you love yourself. You had to fight every single day and now you can just breathe. Be at ease. I hope every one of us on here gets to this same point, and thank you for sharing what it feels like.

I also missed your previous post. That sounds like a lot of good hard therapy work and out of everything I have done, dipping my toes into somatic experiencing had the most dramatic and sudden impact for my healing. It sounds like you and T both have a lot of wisdom about when push and when to recenter. I'm rooting for you!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for reading and replying Armadillo 

This is all 100% honest and genuine. I am hopeful to hold on to this feeling as long as I can, or at least some sense of it. I am also hopeful for others that they can reach this point as well. I know it is possible and sort of dedicate myself to helping people do just that in my career. Truly dedicate myself and my career to helping others reach their goal point because I am sure this probably feels different for everyone.

It was good therapy work, and I am glad to be diving into it more in the coming weeks. Somatic experiencing has been huge so far. Although so much of my healing was through inner child work and emdr. I think somatic experiencing is great for where I am right now and am hopeful it has the same impact for me that it did you. It has been a lot of trial and error over the years for me and my T to learn when to push and when to pull back. Having that balance has made a lot of work more accessible to me though.

[sanmagic7]

el, you've been amazing, strong, and determined on your journey, and getting to where you are today is also an indication of the courage you've shown through it all.  my hat's off to you, my dear.  here's hoping for even more in the future.  love and hugs

[Elphanigh]

San, it is so good to hear from you dear friend  This journey has taken more courage than I thought I had and I appreciate your words being the reason I could reflect back on that today. Sending tons of love and hugs to you 

[BeeKeeper]

Hello Elpha,

I like who I am beyond what I thought was possible and my trauma, while present, no longer rules my life.

This is outrageously positive and my new North Star.

[Elphanigh]

Beekeeper, I am glad that it is positive and hope it is a helpful thing to have as your new north star. I had no real idea is was possible for me until it happened. I am still mind blown by this place in my life.

[Elphanigh]

This is going to be a hard one but I need to get it out. Nothing triggering or anything just emotional for me. 

I am sitting here waiting to get a phone call that my great-grandma (ggm) has passed away. She took a nose dive in health several days ago (after having had life-saving surgery less than a month ago, so this is big scare number two). Unfortunately this is not a scare, this is a matter of hours kind of case. I know she has not responded to anyone or anything in almost 24 hours and they took her off oxygen about an hour and a half ago, so it is a matter of time. For all intents and purposes she is already gone given that she has been unresponsive for so long.

Loss like this is always difficult. This has some added layers for me.. I have beautiful memories of her and she is the last living tether to a place where I was never abused or hurt. I had so few safe places that even though I only ever got to be there for a day or two every few years that it mattered greatly to me. Even a few days every couple of years were miraculous for me given the life I was living.

I know I no longer need that physical space. Safety and kindness like that no longer comes from outside of me.. I can create it inwardly and do so very regularly. Even sitting here in as much emotional pain as I am in, I know that I can conjure that place and feeling inside of my body and have that safety and warmth.

That does not make the loss any easier though. I know I don't lose my safety or the kindness in my life when losing her.. but I lose the last person who was that for me as a kid in my family. Everyone else was too close to the situation or abusive in their own right.. my ggm wasn't.. A young part of me hurts over this loss as much as adult me hurts losing the person.. maybe even more tbh. Feelings from younger selves are always strong.

So I sit her wishing I could make time go faster.. wishing that time idn't feel like it was barely moving.. because waiting almost seems worse right now.I am hundreds of miles away and can do nothing from here except for wait and it has been multiple days of that. I do always wish I could see her but I know that is impossible at this point. I know that seeing her at Christmas is something I am beyond grateful that I did because if I hadn't I would not have that last memory of seeing her.

Anyways, that is all I can write for now so I will continue on and wait or maybe try to sleep as I don't know when things will happen and I will need my energy either way

[Armadillo]

(((((((Elphanigh)))))))

I'm sitting here waiting, with you. I can feel how hard this loss will be. Is. I miss my safe people so much, too. My mistake was not allowing myself to grieve as much as I needed to because it was "just" my grandma and grandpa, not honoring who they really were for me. Give this all the grief you need to.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for waiting with me. It means a lot to hear that and have someone validate how difficult this is. She isn't just my ggm, she was a safe place for me in a lot of ways. One that I cherished because safety and kindness was so difficult to come by. I am still waiting, we all are. She is still not responsive and does not truly wake up any more. My FOO that is close to her geographically is taking turns to ensure someone is with her and that everyone gets food or sleep. It is honestly the most functional I have ever seen my FOO. For me, I am trying to keep busy with small things while allowing room to feel as I need to. She has held on longer than any of us thought she would. Honestly, I am surprised just because I know how much she wants and believes that death will bring her back to her husband and her daughter. I think she holds on somewhere because she knows how hard it is on my grandfather and my mom to lose her. If I had known she would last so long I probably would have tried harder to get out there to see her but we thought she would go more quickly. I know all I can do it wait here and take the best care of myself as I can.

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

I've been away for a couple of weeks, so just caught up on your journal.

I am so proud of you. Congratulations on getting your license and your new job.     

Sending lots of compassion, knowing you are hurting about your great-grandmother. 

[Armadillo]

Thinking of you today, Elphanigh, and your GGM.

[BeeKeeper]

A young part of me hurts over this loss as much as adult me hurts losing the person.. maybe even more tbh. Feelings from younger selves are always strong.

Thinking of you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you everyone  It seems like limbo is going to be a long process now so I am doing the best I can.

[Armadillo]

Just keep sending and receiving all that love across the distance.