Here to help my dh

[MaryGrace]

Some of you may know me if you're on Out of the FOG forum. I'm usually in the unchosen section for difficulties with my PPD mom. Recently I've started looking more into C-PTSD. My DH has an undiagnosed probably Narc and Paranoid PD dad. His dad was psychologically, emotionally and physically abusive. He was punitive and malevolent. He was burned by his father, locked in a dark room in the middle of a sweltering summer with the window nailed shut, beaten with a belt till he was bleeding -and psychologically it would take a book to go through.

DH and I met in high school. I remember his mom telling this "funny" story about the time his dad had installed a new ceiling fan when dh was about 8 years old. One day shortly afterward the ceiling fan fell and crashed down top of him, the blades breaking as they hit him. He ran outside and hid in the backyard because he was afraid it was his fault and he would be in trouble for break the fan because it hit his head. And this is supposed to be funny. I didn't find it funny then and I've had to sit through the retelling of this "funny" story several times.
We were two broken kids to who ran off and got married out of high school and have been through the gamut of all kinds of issues. DH is now a recovered alcoholic but battled for nearly the first decade of our marriage to stay sober. After he sobered up his depression became so intense he was feeling suicidal and started cutting himself. When I saw the cut on his arm he admitted to me he was suicidal and we sought help from our family doctor. He was prescribed an antidepressant. He has been on and off of them throughout our marriage since then. Through AA he developed a relationship with God (he was agnostic/leaning atheist up until then) and eventually joined the Catholic church which was the faith I was nominally raised in but developed a much stronger faith in as an adult. He also struggled with pornography addiction and after being off antidepressants is back on prozac which he has stated he wants to remain on permanently because it makes it much easier to stay away from pornography. I believe he used sex just like alcohol as a way to escape. Despite the fact we were married at 19 he had already had quite a sexual history which started at an exceedingly young age, including a what I would describe as molestation by a babysitter who was a young teenage girl. Unfortunately sometime early in our marriage while he was serving in the military he also had an affair -I don't know if it was a one time thing or drawn out because I didn't find out until many years later while he was going through the 12 steps of AA. I chose not to know the details because it was long over and I felt it would serve no purpose to find out exactly when or with who which would scar up good memories I had of that time period. I wanted to move forward and try to heal (not to say it wasn't horribly painful and took a couple years to work through to get to real forgiveness). Also while in the military he was sexually assaulted by another male he served with after a night of drinking where he woke up from being passed out to having this guy do what he was doing. That I found out shortly afterward because it left him disturbed and confused and he talked to me about what happened. 
So I've looked at Pete Walker, I wish my dh was a reader but he's not.
I already posted a question here about something that happened today, just a stupid argument but it got big because he absolutely can not handle conflict and will lie, deflect blame -whatever it takes to shift responsibility. He will lie about things if he even think I may disapprove in the slightest. Early in our marriage I did have a lot of baggage and there were times when I can say I truly yelled at him. But its been a long time. I don't name call. The only time I have ever sworn at my husband was when he got arrested for drunk driving and yes then I yelled. But other than even a conversation that hints that I am discontent in some way for something he has done he will tell me whatever he has to avoid a conflict. After all we've been through it hurts me terribly to feel he can't trust me with his feelings and he has admitted he is afraid of me and I can't do anything except not ever get upset over anything ever to make him feel safe. I am never allowed to get frustrated or annoyed. It is exhausting mentally for me.

The one think that I just can't have are the incidences where he has deflected things onto our daughter. This is a line I feel can not be crossed. Today was very minor but it bring back the time when he did it with her standing there where she knows her father is lying about her and I can't imagine what that does to her. He has a very close relationship with her otherwise. I just can't have him do that and I don't know how to help him stop. There's very minor incidents where like something that needed to be put back in the fridge was left out and when she's not around he'll sat "oh dd must have done that." Then later in conversation with dd she'll say "oh dad was eating such and such and left it out I guess". Its not a he said/she said because when I asked him later about what dd said he'll sheepishly admit it was him. Its so minor, its not like I'm going to blow a gasket over a two dollar bottle of ranch dressing but admitting to anything is nearly impossible for him to admit straight out, unless or until he is confronted with proof that he has been dishonest. I can't think of a single time where he's ever flat out admitted to a single thing unless I can prove it. Its crazy making and sadly makes me feel he is untrustworthy. I love him dearly and I know he's very damaged. I believe he has emotional flashblacks to his childhood and how severe his father was when he disappointed him which seemed to be always. But my daughter feels like she's the cause of arguments because she inadvertently tattled on her dad -and it is so unhealthy to know your father is lying -and will even stoop to blaming you. I talked to her a little bit about it today as I was driving to work -how I think her dad has C-PTSD and he doesn't mean to do it, he just gets panicked. She seemed understanding. She is an exceedingly honest young woman and I'm very proud of her for that. I just worry what she'll accept from men if she see's her dad doing this.

[Annegirl]

Hi MaryGrace you found this place. It's great seeing you here for your husband. I admire that you are looking into this for his sake in order to understand him better. He is a lucky guy to have you. It sounds like he may have cptsd from what you wrote. I am absent minded myself but personally if I forget something I just put it down to bring busy. But every few days I leave a pan on, on the stove and burn something I'm making lunch for the children and they call me to help them with something and then I completely forget I was even making lunch until I smell it burning. This is something I am working on.

[Kizzie]

Hi Again MaryGrace - I welcomed you in another forum, "When Someone in Our Life has CPTSD" but thought it would be good to give you an official welcome here. 

I read today in one of your posts that your H has made an appointment with his former T whom he liked and felt safe with -- that's a huge step!  I also read that you talked to him about CPTSD and he was somewhat open to the idea - that's great too.  As you know from being at OOTF, it's much harder to deal with family members who have a personality disorder (PD) because they don't see that they have a problem and rarely go to treatment.  With CPTSD, however, it's a trauma disorder rather than a personality disorder and those with it are usually willling/able to self-reflect and heal. 

It's great that you bring a new perspective to the forum - you are the first member who has a loved one with CPTSD -- so we will likely learn as much from you as you will from us.  Again, welcome and if you have any questions feel free to ask.

[MaryGrace]

Thank you both. I read through what I wrote and realized I accidentally lied  . There was one time he flat out told me something I had no proof about -the affair but he had a motive. Going thru recovery is hard and facing the past and what he put me thru was hard. He wanted me to leave him. He didn't want to face the roller coaster of * alcoholism does to an SO. He thought by telling me about the affair I would leave him and he wouldn't have to deal with it. Our daughter was not even two and I thought I am not tearing this child's life up because of our choices and our pain. I knew if I walked he would get swallowed up into the drinking again, I would lose him forever and my daughter would lose her father. I am so adamant about the promise I made when I was still a kid myself that my own child would never ever pay for my own unhappiness. I went in the bathroom and sobbed so hard I could barely breath. Then I came out and said I am not leaving, I am not giving up on you -the best thing you can do to make reparation what happened is to be the best father and husband you can be now. We ended up going through a marriage recovery program called retrouvaille for severely damaged marriages or those on the brink of divorce. It was a beginning of a long hard road. We had some great years since then and some tough ones, he trade up alcohol for porn as an escape.

As I found myself growing in my faith as part of my healing I could not handle having the porn in our lives. I felt degraded and disrespected to the core of my being. He always had a very high sex drive and I began to realize he was using sex as another way to get high. I love him dearly, I know he suffers and I give him him credit for picking himself up and trying again and again. Another class from the Catholic church we attended about marital intimacy finally had him telling me to throw the porn away. Which slowly over time changed our sex life to a much more intimate experience as oppose to utilitarian in nature. But with the arrival of the internet in our home despite all his promises and best efforts made it nearly impossible to keep away. I sensed a changed and he would absolutely be so convincingly get me to believe it wasn't happening. Yet something inside me told me something was wrong and eventually I'd catch him, there'd be more promises more safeguards, but then he got an online gaming system and then a portable gaming system and it was over and over he'd find a way.

He finally told me to change the passwords on everything, and his phone has no online capabilities. Alcohol in hind site once he was out of the military was so much easier to avoid. And it sucks feeling like your in a parenting position with your husband. I was like that in very beginning of our marriage because of my own baggage, then the alcoholism made me want to control everything I could control since I could't control that. After his recovery I worked hard to stop parenting him but with the porn I felt like I had to be in that position again. And since I had grown so much from my younger years I knew it was not good for our relationship or for him as a man to have his wife acting like his mother. It was his choice this time. He told me lock everything down because he could figure no other way to stay away from the temptation. And then the prozac helped him a lot. It also pretty much killed our sex life because his libido disappeared but we get together every now and then.  Its a trade off I guess.

I know I probably sound like I'm bitching and complaining but I love this man with all my heart. Being young and naive back in high school I thought if I just loved him with all my heart that would be enough to heal his wounds. Of course its far more complicated than that. He has seem me thru so much sickness, he has slept in hospital chairs more than most people do in a lifetime. He has had to take care of me in ways that I'm sure he thought wouldn't happen until old age. Things that some husbands I'm sure don't even have the stomach to do.He lives with the fact that I will be on heart transplant list sooner rather than later and that my heart could suddenly stop and he could lose me in the blink of an eye. I am a horrible house keeper and he absolute loves order and neatness. I am ADD and hyperfocus, lose focus, forget and freeze up. My temper used to be kind of bad in the beginning of our marriage and I don't think he can get quite past that and realize I'm not that same person. I went from a hard rocking head banger to modest church girl practically over night (brought on my the birth of our daughter).

I am no angel, its just his "sins" are easier to recognize. I used to be very manipulative back in the day. I am also his biggest defender and I will not tolerate his father insulting him in front of me any more. His father is a huge bully, and when I finally opened my mouth he stepped back considerably. I kept hoping DH could get there himself and he actually did a couple years ago through email with a certain incident when his father ripped him a new one for his mother's bday card being one day late. Even though they forgot our daughter's bday, my dh's bday and my bday. And never called either. These days cards arrive promptly to our home and they do call now which was very rare before. He finally took a stand. But face to face he feels like a kid in front of his father and I don't think that is going to change for him. Luckily he's dad's pretty reclusive so we only see them once, maybe twice a year.

I feel a bit like an interloper since I'm the SO in this case. I read here and say Hey I recognize that, and Hey I've done that (trigger without knowing it) but I don't want to intrude or be insensitive to other peoples healing process. Thanks for the warm welcome, it definitely helps me feel like less of an intrusion to your lives.

[MaryGrace]

Oh and Annegirl heck I'm ADD so I've been lucky not have ever burned the house down with how scattered and forgetful I am.  Its not the absentmindedness that is issue its he just can't "Yep, that was me." And risk that I may even sigh with slight annoyance. He has a huge aversion to responsibility in even the minor-est of things. Because nothing was minor in his house growing up. I kid you not. His father kicked his mother and him out for a time because while vacuuming his mom did not put the coffee table back in the exact spot it should be and he his father stubbed his toe. Place mats must be in an exact spot, dish towels folded in an exact manor. The man (his dad) walked behind me with a hand vac to suck up a hair off the floor that fell from my head. His father was and and is an extremely exacting man. Nothing is ever, ever good enough. So DH can not risk ever admitting to a mistake -ever. When he finally fesses up (only with proof)  he looks like he's going to vomit.
In the beginning of our marriage living with someone who can not tell me the truth about anything made me an even worse control nut, those creepy insecure people that go through all of your personal belongings -that was me? It was awful for him -his dad gave him no privacy and always searched his stuff, and his wife was turning into his father.  It was awful for me too, I hated not trusting him, I hated who I was becoming. It was just a horrible cycle. I no longer do that but he can't trust me not to. I do get that we damaged each other.