#8 - starting over

Snowdrop · August 11, 2020, 02:18:32 PM

Bach · August 11, 2020, 02:44:41 PM

Blueberry · August 11, 2020, 04:34:20 PM

buddy9832 · August 12, 2020, 02:18:18 AM

Hang in there san!

Tee · August 12, 2020, 12:14:37 PM

oh San we are here to help hold you up! I hope you can find some rest so that you can recoup some and do some much needed self care. I'm bring you a cozy blanket and some tea for you to go to the healing porch and sit with me for a while I like the porch swing, to sway slowly but if you don't you pick the spot and I'll shout with you! Big hug San I'm here!

marta1234 · August 12, 2020, 01:12:52 PM

Hang in there San, we're here for you through it all

sanmagic7 · August 17, 2020, 02:05:57 PM

snowdrop, bach, blueberry, buddy, tee, marta - i can't express all my gratitude for you, your support, and your hugs. you truly did help to hold me up while i've gone thru this, and i appreciate all of you so much! thank you from my heart

my hub is feeling better, but is still taking meds to make sure he doesn't get a blood clot that might get into his lungs, which were the worst hit. talked to him last nite and it was such a relief to hear him not coughing! thank you, god. he told me that people in town are so sick, lots dying, and going to funerals (which are all night vigils there, plus the burial the next day), so it's getting spread all over the place. he's hoping not to have to go back to work till at least the middle of next month. he's had a lot of people help him financially. for which i'm also eternally grateful.

i am finally better, yay!, but this was the worst breakdown i've had in many years. 11 days until i could actually get back to walking outdoors like i had been. before that, i'd been shuffling, slow, my eyes went wonky for a few days, couldn't focus, and felt a heavy weight of pressure that kept me from doing/thinking/concentrating. it was awful.

i've decided i need to pull back a bit in every area - i told my hub last nite that since he's feeling better, i wasn't going to read to him every nite like i had been - it just got to be one more pressure i put on myself. i don't know how much i'll be able to respond to others here, either, which hurts my heart, but for now, i need this recovery to continue, which means less pressure on me.

thank you to everyone again. you're the best!

sanmagic7 · August 17, 2020, 02:12:05 PM

yep, i know i'm not all the way back - i just responded to another journal, deleted half of what i wrote cuz it wasn't relevant, didn't make sense. that's always an indicator for me i still need to rest.

Snowdrop · August 17, 2020, 02:15:10 PM

Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

I am so glad your hub is feeling better. Thank goodness. I'm sure all the effort you put in helped him through.

sanmagic7 · August 17, 2020, 02:22:07 PM

very sweet of you to say that, snowdrop. i know it gave him something to look forward to every night. and thanks for the support for my decisions. i appreciate it so much!

Blueberry · August 17, 2020, 04:13:23 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on August 17, 2020, 02:15:10 PM
Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

Bach · August 18, 2020, 09:59:21 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on August 17, 2020, 04:13:23 PM
Quote from: Snowdrop on August 17, 2020, 02:15:10 PM
Don't worry about not responding to people here, San. You've been through such a lot, and putting yourself first is good self-care. Something you need to do.

x2

San, I'm really glad to hear that your hubby is on the mend.

Now you take care of you now, and soon hopefully you will be feeling better, too

Not Alone · August 19, 2020, 01:17:32 AM

Rest and take care of yourself, San.

sanmagic7 · August 21, 2020, 04:37:56 AM

blueberry, bach, notalone - thanks for all the hugs and encouragement. i can't say enough about how much they've helped.

had a yucky dream this morning that, again, transposed my ex into my father. very icky, very disturbing. then, i fell asleep later in the afternoon, had a dream about that dream. needless to say, i've been pretty rocky all day. therapy in the morning, so hopefully we'll clear some of that out. it left me with physical feelings as if it really happened. these body memories have shown up now several times w/ this. geez, i'm pretty sure my dad had nothing to do w/ this - it all seems to fit w/ my ex. we'll see, i guess. ughly!

my hub is doing better. he's taken to squirting people w/ alcohol if they ignore his request for them to stay away! i love it! there isn't a lot of respect in mexico, at least not among the poorer of the population - the culture of poverty doesn't always have that kind of vision built into it there. so, i'm glad to see him taking care of himself now.

tired. did some intense therapy work tues., am looking at more tomorrow. then, more rest.

sanmagic7 · August 21, 2020, 05:05:40 PM

i worked on feelings of vulnerability today, coupled w/ anxiety - how they go hand in hand for me - and it took me back to being about 4 yrs. old. i realized how many people in my life have wanted me to be a certain way, didn't want me to be myself, throughout my childhood and adulthood. i can't count the number of people who have bought clothes for me, taken me shopping, wanted to get me on one of those makeover shows cuz they didn't like how i wore makeup or clothes, or even what kinds of clothes i wore.

these were everyone from authority figures to friends. for some reason, i was constantly fighting against being rejected for who i was, what i liked, etc. my life feels like it's been one battle after another. and, if i didn't change, i would get hurt. rejected, abandoned, harsh remarks, impatience, judgments - the list goes on. the only time i remember where i felt happy at who i was and was accepted as such was my first 2 years away at college.

when i left home, moved to so. cal. and found the wonderful (!) world of sex, drugs, and rock n roll, it was good at times, but i was so confused at the new rules, the new way of thinking and being, the new world i was in that i didn't feel that same sense of being grounded. i think that's when i began floating thru life - just let it take me where it would. i went along as best i could, but had a lot of substances to help me with that.

so, my t ended our session telling me to 'take care of her', and i began crying. maybe it was the thought that i deserved being taken care of, that i'm working from a little girl place still at times, or that i kept trying to do what i needed to do in order not to get hurt - maybe a combo - but i'm in pain right now, and i didn't realize it till just this minute.