Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Thanks Marta - I appreciate your words and am grateful for this place where I can find so much understanding.

What goes up must come down.  I went downstairs to do yoga and could hear my partner talking with his family.  Just the sound of their voice sends me into my 4Fs.  Today is my MIL birthday and so I'm sure the day will include more FaceTimes.  This reminds me of the work I still have to do.  It is so complicated how because I grew up with such a wounded and incomplete sense of self and made huge life decisions based on that.  It is a lot to unravel.  The more I know I know of my in-laws I wish I had run as far away from them as I could earlier in my relationship.  They bring me nothing but pain.  My husband has grown with me but they are a huge source of tension that I handle better some days than others.  I struggle to accept how he can be ok putting up with their abuse and how I can't always control their intrusion into my life through him. 

There is so much to do.  I appreciate your support and the chance to say what I need to here.

[marta1234]

  I'm sorry you're going through this right now. I feel your pain, and I understand what you're going through. Sending you lots of support

[rainydiary]

Thank you Marta!

I wrote this message and wanted to put it out in the world.  This felt like the best place.  I tried reaching out to a friend that is usually understanding about these things but she upset me more by not just offering a listening ear and trying to give me advice which I was not asking for. 

Last week when I met with my coworker she asked "Do you feel respected?"

No.  Without hesitation no. 

I do not feel respected by parents.  By other educators.  By other members of my profession.  By administration.  By the district.  I do not feel respected.

I feel like an overqualified, overpaid babysitter with a master's degree and going on 9 years of experience. 

I feel outside of every group I am a part of because I bring different ideas and perspectives.  I am shamed for other people not respecting me and told to try harder to fit in.  I am the one that is supposed to bend to their wills. 

I have internalized this lack of respect and need to fit in.  As a result I am hypervigilant and perfectionistic.  Neither of those things has helped me deal.  Decisions about my work and how I carry it out are made without consideration of my experience or perspective.  I am treated like I don't have a voice.

I am not given an adequate workspace.  My workspace allows me to hear children in crisis screaming horrible things about themselves.  In turn, my own trauma response is activated and I spend most of my days trying to put on a brave face rather than face the condescension if I confide in someone I am having a difficult day.

For what?  Why do I go back? 

I go back for every student I meet that has been failed by our system.  For the students that tell me they are "f'ing stupid" and who write that they desperately want to be understood by others.  I go back so that students at least have someone that will hear them and try to do right by them.  I don't always get it right but I am trying my best.

Yet I am trapped with these kids.  We are stuck in a system that does not work.  I don't even know what our system values.  It isn't my life.  It isn't the life of the children. 

I don't know what I am going to do moving forward. 

[saylor]

Thank you for being so devoted to your students, rainy. What you do is important, and I'll bet that even if some of your colleagues cannot treat you with respect, your students can feel your caring, and that's got to be having a positive impact in their lives.

Some of my most important adults growing up were teachers, my coach, and youth group leaders. I still reflect upon these folks and was actually able to contact one of them, decades after we'd lost touch, to give her a heartfelt Thank You, so moved was I by her willingness to see me and be there for me during tough times in my youth

[rainydiary]

Thank you Saylor - I appreciate your words.  I hope that I am that person for my students.  It is a tricky thing, especially working with adolescents, as I have no idea.  I work with the hope that I have long lasting positive impact but I don't know.

I am reflecting on how much I struggle with my brain.  Earlier my friend said to me, "You are triggered right now."  I found this so unhelpful and hurtful.  My brain goes to that place so quickly and I don't always realize.  This is "normal" for me and it pushes a divide between me and others.  Even when I try to reach out, others aren't necessarily in a place where they can help.  So they push me away. 

I often feel like I am an alien and when I speak I am speaking a language others don't understand.  I think that is why I keep showing up at work for my students.  I imagine that in their own way they may feel the same.  That makes me sad but also motivates me to do my best so that hopefully they feel a little connection. 

But right now going back to work feels so unsafe.  I already lack a sense of safety in the world and this isn't helping.  I feel overpowered by what is happening.  Every step I take where I feel good and confident and processing, something else comes along to knock me down.  I keep standing up but I am exhausted. 

[rainydiary]

My earlier entries were definitely during an EF.  I'm trying to unravel where it started and what led to it. 

I think I've been being really hard on myself.  I've been reading some books for professional development and I created this notecatcher system where I can write questions, thoughts that come to mind, and to dos.  I notice that while reading these books, I am learning new things that make me see my approach to my work could be different.  My IC interprets this as "I've been screwing up for so long and have probably been hurtful to kids."  So many of my questions or thoughts were related to how badly I feel I've screwed up. 

Today I read a chapter on team work.  I think that may be what pushed me over the edge into the EF.  I struggle to function as a team member in certain capacities and I read so much judgment into that chapter.  I got mad while reading it because while I can see areas where I could better as a team member, I feel frustrated that my other team mates may not care to put in the same work.  I feel responsible for their poor participation.  Also I felt misunderstood because I feel like I have to work extra hard just to show up to work every day and function with this brain.  I wanted that chapter to feel more inclusive. 

So then I just got mad and I think the EF really started.  I'm not exactly sure what I was reliving - perhaps all my failed attempts at working with others and just feeling like a total mess. 

It took me stages to get over the EF.  I tried yoga first and cried which has helped some days.  I wrote in my paper journal and my journal here.  I made a plan to stop reading that professional book because I have done so much work of late that I am not giving myself time to recover before I open up more wounds.  I did a simple chore and that is where the floodgates opened and I was finally able to be in the present.  I cried and laid on my bed and hugged myself.  For some reason the phrase "I'm here" helped - it helped me feel in the present moment.  Then I rested and told my husband about what happened. 

I felt so alone during the EF.  It felt like my heart was breaking open.  I wanted someone to rescue me. 

The past few days my cat has been super cuddly.  She has been laying her head on my heart.  I wonder if she knows.  It feels precious whatever it is. 

[rainydiary]

I started off the day with an overwhelming sense of shame.  I notice that when I felt that my brain either lives in the future and focuses on all the ways it thinks I will mess up or in the past where I focus on all the things I've done wrong. 

It takes a lot of work and most of the day to bring my mind to the present.  When it finally did I realized that I have spent most of my life trying to prove my worth to others.  I've tried so many things to prove my value.  Yet none of it has helped take away my earliest pain and deep down sense that I am hopelessly flawed.  It has left me misattuned and misunderstood by others.

I'm curious what will happen if I reframe and stop trying to prove myself.  It isn't always a conscious thing but I know I do it still.  We'll see - my days moving forward are going to feel especially difficult as I engage more in work conversations. 

[buddy9832]

It takes a lot of work and most of the day to bring my mind to the present.  When it finally did I realized that I have spent most of my life trying to prove my worth to others.  I've tried so many things to prove my value.  Yet none of it has helped take away my earliest pain and deep down sense that I am hopelessly flawed.  It has left me misattuned and misunderstood by others.

Rainy, it's interesting that you mention this. This really resonated with me and I think it has helped me connect a few dots. I've never really thought about myself as feeling the need to prove my worth but when I look back on my life that's exactly it. Like you said, I feel hopelessly flawed/worthless. In school, I needed to excel in my classes, because I needed to prove to myself (and I guess to others whoever the others are) as smart I guess. It was at the sacrifice of my health and some of my relationships. The Navy the same thing and now as a project manager the same. My first PM job, I needed to quit because I took on too much. When it came time for me to pull in the reins and perform like a normal employee, I was looked down upon.

I hope reframing things to stop proving yourself will help. I hope it well help you heal and reinforce that you are worthy.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Buddy - I hope that thought can show you some new things too.  I worked as a PM before and in many ways my current job is like a PM so I get where you are coming from. 
I think it will be tough to break the habit/instinct to prove myself - I am not sure how else to act. 

I reflected this afternoon on how differently I approach my work than colleagues with the same training.  I've always felt bad about this but am beginning to wonder if the reason I work differently is because my brain functions differently as a result of trauma.  I think I have a perspective others don't.  I have trusted myself and hope to keep doing so...but it is really hard when other people act like I am coming out of outer space. 

[rainydiary]

I just spoke with a trusted co-worker about my status as a trauma survivor.  It was an interesting conversation in that she shared that she also has a trauma history and she shared some thoughts that I could really relate to which helped me feel understood. 

I hope that by sharing my story with others that it helps in ways I can't see right now. 

[rainydiary]

Today has been a day where I've faced things I've been putting off - getting blood work and signing a petition in person.  I also need to take my cat to the vet next week - I really don't like taking her.  She gets carsick and the whole vet experience is traumatic for both of us because the last two times she went she needed to have teeth removed.  We are also going to try a new vet that is closer to our house.  I like her old vet but it is too far from where we live.  I tried to make it work but am never driving her there again. 

That stuff aside, some things occurred that I hope are healing.  I caught myself in a moment of wanting to seek approval from others.  I knew they wouldn't give me the approval I was looking for and that if I went through with my plan I would end up feeling worse.  It seemed like a way of reenacting past trauma to keep my supply of shame going.  I did yoga instead and while I was doing yoga my father's angry face came to my mind.  I realized in that moment that what I wanted to say to him when he raged at me is "I hate you."  I never fought back.  I just stood there and took his rages.  It seemed easier at the time.  But now I realize how terribly bad I feel when I don't "fight back" however that might look in the situation.  Especially since my parents love to tell me I need to stand up for myself while seeming to ignore that my father screaming at me everything I did taught me not to.  So it really has multiple layers where I can't win and feel shame regardless of what I do. 

I have been so exhausted this week.  The events of my country are getting to me as well as the thought of going back to work.  I have been really hard on myself and am trying to find ease today.  Right now I feel ease and I plan to enjoy it as long as I can. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy I'm glad you feel ease. I hope you can stay in it as long as you can. Also congrats on being able to identify that you were seeking outside approval. That does sound like a big step towards healing!

[rainydiary]

Thanks Buddy!  The ease is gone for now and I am trying to remember it can come back.

This morning I woke up from a weird dream.  I was returning to work at an old job.  I felt this overall sense of shame at going back.  The old job was actually a combination of several old jobs as there were people from different jobs there.  I was having to face many failures (or what my mind considers failures).  It was just weird.

I got up and had an ok start to the day.  I decided to work on some guided journal entries.  One of the prompts asked me to consider the word punishment...and so begins an EF.  I realize now that is a very triggering word for me.  Also that I constantly live in fear of punishment still.

I did notice myself going into an EF.  I completed the journal entry and was going to move on the next one but recognized that I was getting distressed. 

As I sat in my distress a bit more, I called to mind Pete Walker's steps for EF management.  I said to myself, "I am having an emotional flashback."  I've learned in the past several weeks that going to my room and laying down helps.  I started listening to a meditation on my meditation app and began crying.  I talked to my inner child who was punished so regularly for things like crying, making mistakes, being herself.  I thought it was winding down but then I saw my cat.  For some reason that brought on more tears.

I am feeling a bit better now.  I think I responded to my EF sooner than I usually do.  I think the tears are healing.  I realize how afraid I am to go back to work because I am afraid the way others will treat me and each other will feel punishing to my brain. 

[Blueberry]

 

I'm sending support. I hear progress in your words too.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Blueberry. 

Today I am reflecting (or berating myself?) on how hard I am on myself.  I have this deep deep feeling of being bad and flawed and not worth it.  I feel like I am trying to shift that but it is so difficult.  So then I am hard on myself for it being difficult.  It is a never ending loop.