Trapped and getting worse

Deep Blue · March 21, 2020, 04:32:27 PM

I'm in such a different place than my husband. He still gets to go to work, get out of the quarantine. I'm stuck here and I feel trapped.

He's a home body. A good Saturday for him includes lots of couch time. I feel rejuvenated when I'm around others. To me, this is unbearable. I'm being told that if I really care about the well-being of friends, I need to keep my distance. But keeping my distance is hurting my well-being. I'm trapped in this house and I can't breathe anymore. It's so cold outside and won't stop raining. I went out for a run/walk and had to come back cuz it was too cold out.

My mom told me that I have to be optimistic during these times. Others have it worse. That made me feel even worse. Now I feel lonely AND selfish.

When the urge to SH came today, I didn't even try to fight it. What's the point anymore?

How do you practice self care when all your coping strategies are being taken away? I saw my T 3 times this week. 3 times and I feel like I'm ok for 15 minutes and then I'm crushed by the depression again.

I dunno why I'm even bothering writing this... I just am losing hope

Kizzie · March 21, 2020, 05:39:29 PM

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling Deep Blue

FWIW I think it's perfectly normal to be depressed, upset, anxious, and to want to numb or self-harm right now.

Being in a pandemic, trapped by it really as we all are, just is anxiety provoking and frightening. There's no getting around that except to express it and do what we can to mitigate our risk imo.

Until the weather improves could you maybe Skype with family/friends to get more of a sense of being with others while staying safe? Once the weather is better, in most places it's still OK to go for walks/runs and maybe you could arrange to do that with others every couple of days or so. I've also seen where people do get together in their front yard or a park, bring chairs but sit far apart. Unless you're on complete lockdown that could be an option too.

Snowdrop · March 21, 2020, 05:46:21 PM

I know it's hard, Deep Blue. I hear you. Please don't hurt yourself.

When are you next seeing your T? I wonder if it might be possible to talk through some new coping strategies while we're going through this?

Like Kizzie, I wondered if video calling others through Skype etc might be an option, as well as meeting others at a distance.

Not Alone · March 21, 2020, 06:07:42 PM

You are not selfish for having the feelings you have. Good suggestions from Kizzie regarding keeping connected. Do what you can to connect. I'm sorry this is so, so hard for you.

Blueberry · March 21, 2020, 08:00:04 PM

Quote from: notalone on March 21, 2020, 06:07:42 PM
You are not selfish for having the feelings you have. Good suggestions from Kizzie regarding keeping connected. Do what you can to connect. I'm sorry this is so, so hard for you.

You reached out here

I love that you are a mbr of this forum. We are here for you as you have been and will continue to be for us. You are here for us, merely by writing your post.

For me 'have to' is like 'should'. It's not helpful. You do not 'have to' be optimistic at all, that's not something you can force anyway. Your M obviously doesn't know that or has never even thought about it. Comparisons are not helpful unless they are your own genuine spontaneous ones and then they are possibly only useful for you, in that moment. I have posted a few of my own surprisingly very optimistic reactions in this situation e.g. I'm grateful I don't live in a warzone. I am genuinely grateful. But that doesn't mean anybody else on this forum or anywhere else should feel that way. Of course not. 'Should' is never good. Pete Walker writes something along those lines (re: 'Should' is never good), so it's not just me.

Thank you for posting this topic! I'm sure you speak for others on the forum. Your post gave me pause for thought too. A few years back in recovery I don't think I would have been reacting quite as calmly as I am now. I'm sure in the upcoming weeks/months I will go back into EFs and dark spaces too. It's good for us all on here to know: we have this space here and this community where we all understand that keeping feelings hidden, unexpressed, banned is not beneficial to recovery or even to day-to-day life.

Deep Blue · March 21, 2020, 11:51:41 PM

Kizzie,
Thanks... I texted and called my brother. He told me he loves me and that has at least taken the edge off the pull to SH for now.

Snowdrop,
Thanks for asking me not to hurt myself. It feels like care and that care is very needed now.

Notalone,
You are right... all I can do now is what I can. I will try to connect in whatever way I can. For now, this forum is at least a connection.

Blueberry,
Yeah, I think you are right about comparisons. I don't do well with them in life or on the forum for that matter. I don't like people comparing my son to other boys his age. On the forum I've seen people compare traumas and I find it also upsetting. Thanks for loving me as a member of the forum. I struggle cuz I used to post so much more. I barely post anymore and don't feel like I'm much help to anyone else anymore.

Talked with a friend and then sent her a blog page. Her response was to be upset with me... how could I send that to her? What did I think of her? She was actually mad at me!

I crumbled immediately... feeling really really bad... I don't cry.... but why are my eyes wet?

woodsgnome · March 22, 2020, 01:37:23 AM

Just know, Deep Blue, that you are deeply cared for. Sometimes it's hard to find words, because really there are none that are wholly adequate. It's a very hard climb, and somehow it seems like there isn't a foothold within reach.

Okay, it might seem like just words, but thanks for reaching out here, even when some of the other outlets have let you down. We see your effort and it hurts. Perhaps you only hope for that -- well, it's real; we're real, and really here for you.

Blueberry · March 22, 2020, 07:07:24 AM

Deep Blue, I'm sorry about the response from your friend.

Here's a tissue for your tears, if you would like. Otherwise ignore.

Deep Blue · March 24, 2020, 09:17:00 PM

Thanks woods gnome,
Thanks for being real. Much love to you

Blueberry,
Thanks for the tissue. I feel like it was some strange panic attack or something.

I reached out to my doc and he has upped my meds during this. Only day one so no change yet. Trying to keep my head above water during this.