I will never be a parent

[Contessa]

*TW - loss of pregnancy*

Just got triggered and am struggling.

Head not clear to go into any comprehensible detail, but my quest for motherhood has been dealt yet another blow.

Long story short, after a long journey of survival to return to a good place... And then pursue my dream of motherhood... Well

My years of trauma began when I lost a baby. A suprise but much wanted and much loved baby that was never to be. After about 8 years of fighting for my survival I finally got to a place where I could pursue motherhood again on my own.

Too late, I am now infertile. Spent a lot of time and money on treatment which needed to be done to gain some sort of closure.

Best alternative is to pursue being a foster mum, and I was looking forward to that. There is a massive shortage of foster parents for children in need.

I have been knocked back because I have suffered too much trauma, and it is considered a huge risk to my mental health. I have been triggered by this and am utterly devastated.

I am too damaged. We've come full circle with the fight to get back to where I wanted to be, and because of that fight i'm now too damaged to do what I ultimately fought to live for.

That's my little emotional crutch now, and I have to sit with that latest blow.

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

So sorry. 

[Contessa]

Thank you for the hugs, I always enjoy a good cuddle x

Sorry for this weird update.

Strangest thing happened. After finishing one day devastated, I woke up the next (today) without a heavy heart. No spiral down into despair.

I had spoken with friends who have varying personal experiences in the area, and they found the assessment process and final decision completely off base. Today, when the shock wore off, I could see it as well.

I had an off day. Have reflected and learned from the experience, and will use this to continue to pursue this path another way.

I have to say that this is a long story cut very short. Despite the economy of words used here, this has been a very long, very carefully thought out and much discussed journey for me. None of this has been entered into lightly.

[Kizzie]

Whatever your path and wherever it takes you in this Contessa, I wish you only the best of outcomes