Snookie's journal

[Snowdrop]

It sounds really stressful, Snookie. I'm sorry. I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way, along with a relaxing cup of tea if that helps.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you snowdrop X

Thanks for the relaxing cup of tea ☕  and I appreciate the hugs too     

I think that I'm in for a sleepless night.   

I need to do something about this. Something needs to change. I'm close to going on sick leave with all of this.

[Snowdrop]

I've taken sick leave due to stress before. Sometimes it's necessary. I hope you are able to do whatever is best for you in your situation.

Thinking of you.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop for your support x

************************************

I was quite teary this morning.  I haven't felt like that for sometime.  Hubby gave me hugs and support as he left this morning. 

By the time I got to work, and checked my inbox, strangely, things did not seem as bad.  However, I pushed myself to speak to my supervisor (the female one who is easier to deal with - the male one is on leave now). 

I explained about the day I'd had yesterday.  And the sleepless night too.  I said we needed to do something, but I wasn't just coming to whinge, I was going to put suggestions forward.   So basically I outlined all of the issues and problems I had and highlighted some future problems. Until my new colleague starts, I have suggested that I will just deal with my inbox and anything left on my desk.  This will have an effect on income - which the firm needs to know about. 

Approximately two weeks before the new person starts I intend to stop doing any new bills.   This will mean they will mount up - but she is working full time compared to my part time hours, so she needs a pool of work to keep her going.  Again, the pause of two weeks will have effect on income - which the firm needs to know about.  She will flag this up with the accountant.

I discussed the other supervisor and where he let me down.  I think this is the issue that has bothered me the most: being let down by someone who should support me (not surprising with my cPTSD).  She obviously couldn't go into to details, but she agreed that really I should be having this conversation with him.  I am more than happy to sit down with him and tell him how I feel - but is very hard to pin down.  I feel kept at arms length (again not good when other people have done this in the past - a big trigger for my cPTSD).   She said I am being expected to step up when I shouldn't - this may show that I am capable of more, but on a regular basis it taking advantage.

It's been agreed that I will need to start from bottom up with how I organize the work when the new members are in place come February.  I will be taking on any backlog of their and this will need in depth review.

It could be a rubbish few months, but at least for the time being I have had someone listen to me - although it remains to be seen if they do anything.

I was very annoyed at how a few people reacted to me yesterday.  My friend passed comment that she wouldn't allow herself to be bullied and would just pass the buck up the pecking order.  I have tried that - and it makes me feel like I am to blame for what has happened.    I feel that I must have weak boundaries and that there is something wrong with me. 

I also said to my husband that it must be me.  I have been like this at other jobs - so it must be down to how I act and react.

[Snookiebookie2]

Replying to myself, to my last comment in the above post.

I feel that there's something "wrong" with me.  That I'm defective and can't deal with real life.

I also feel that I shouldn't be this way.

So to answer that...

Yes, there is something "wrong" with me.  I have CPTSD.  I've been emotionally abused and abandoned. I've been scapegoated.  I've been lied to and treated with disrespect. This has left its
mark.  It is those scars that make me react like that.

I need to remember it's not my choice, or my fault, that I'm like this. I should not add a layer of shame to how I feel.  I need to stop expecting that I can act and react like other people because I've not had the same experiences as everyone else.

[Snowdrop]

You're right, it's definitely not your fault. CPTSD is an injury. Something that was done to you, not something that you innately are.

You mention the possibility of having weak boundaries. I found that mine were very weak because of my childhood traumas. Deep down, I felt that I had no right to have boundaries, and I'd get into trouble if I tried to have any. I bought a book on boundary setting, and I found it very helpful.

I'm impressed with the way you spoke to your supervisor. I'm glad she listens to you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

i think that sometimes we really do have weak boundaries, but that doesn't have to be a permanent condition.  our boundaries have been denied, demeaned , trod upon, ignored, made fun of, punished . . of course we have weak boundaries.  when we attempted to assert them, something hurtful happened to us.  what could we do?  submerse them to the boundaries and will of others.  it was a survival thing.

we can learn about and practice what is ok and not ok for ourselves, ask for help with it, and little by little, continue to stand up for ourselves.  it can seem daunting, but it gets easier with time.  i'm still learning, but i'm much better at it than i used to be.  i didn't think i had any right to take care of me.  now i know i'm really the only one who can.

i'm glad you have a hub who will give you a hug when you're weepy.  sending you love and another hug full of support.

[Snookiebookie2]

Bit dissociated today. Not really in the real world.

Feeling a bit ashamed of myself. Hearing a lot from my inner critic too.  Feeling bad about who I.   I think 6 year old Snookie is feeling very sorry for herself. Flashing back to when all the older family members used to make me feel like this.

I have my brother visiting tomorrow, so I think that's part of it. He always make me feel inadequate and criticised. As of I have EVERYTHING wrong.

I'm also struggling at work, so I think that's the other part.  It's an area of my life where I'm not in control and there very little positives at the moment.

I'm trying to stay grounded in the moment.  I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm trying to accept things are as they are. Control is just an illusion.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

i just went thru a period of feeling sad and sorry for myself.  my t helped w/ that, said it's all right to do that every so often.  i said i didn't want to be a whiner or be in the pity pot (got that from 12-step meetings), she told me those are the people who just want to stay in that place, don't want to move forward.  so, i'm passing that along to you. 

we didn't have people who felt sorry for what we were going thru, so sometimes it's ok to do it for ourselves.  i feel sorry for 6-yr. old snookie - she didn't deserve to have gone thru all that crapola. 

as far as your bro goes, i've heard that it's people who feel inadequate within themselves that feel the need to criticize, demean, and put down people around them.  it's not you, sweetie - it's his own stuff.  he found you to be a target cuz you weren't able to defend yourself.  i'm mad at him for that, if you don't mind my saying so.  you didn't do anything wrong.

i hope you're able to stay away from him as much as possible.  i second the notion of being gentle w/ yourself - sending love and a hug full of gentle kindness to you and 6-yr. old you.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks Dan for your words and for the hug.  Sending you love X

I have decided to be low contact with my brother. I also anticipated that his visit would effect me emotionally. I think but being aware and prepared, it didn't bother me as much. It made me see him more objectively.

I've been fortunate to have a really nice weekend with my hubby and daughter.  We've had a very gentle weekend, just being around each other. Just the way it should be.  I'm holding in to this feeling.

I'm sort getting Monday Morning blues already. I'm struggling against a flow of work, there is just too much. And I've not been able to cope. 

My injured and criticised 6 year old Snookie  feels unable to live up to what is required.  But I'm trying to get the 47 year old, C-PSTD-understanding, grown up Snookie to reassure the frightened me.  I'm telling my little me, that there is no way I can keep up with that volume of work, so I can't be judged.

I have a plan to put all work into my inbox, and unless anything is screamingly urgent, it will get dealt with in date order. That way, I can show how far behind I am.  It will make it easier to decide what I focus on.

I'm continuing to try and stay in the here and now.  To enjoy the rest of my quiet family weekend.  To have my 47 year old me hold the hand of my 6 year old me.  I may even try more comfort and self soothing later: hot water bottle, PJs, soft socks, teddy bear.

[Snowdrop]

I think it's good that you can recognise how 6 year old Snookie feels. I think listening to her, holding her hand and reassuring her will help her, and will also help you.

[Snookiebookie2]

I'm not sure if it's a sign that I'm healing, or immaturity. Growth or petulance.  I've noticed that this year I've been getting rid or replacing items given to me by people who traumatized me or given to me at times of trauma.

I had two of my mum's rings. I've replaced them with two new ones (I've put the old ones away for when my daughter is older).

I've also got rid of some earrings given to me by someone who bullied me. 

I also intend to replace some photos of my mum around the house.

I just don't want to be associated with those items anymore.

[Blueberry]

I've gone through similar phases, multiple times in fact. For me it was definitely growth. A way of saying "No", a form of setting boundaries, a way of finding out who I am, what I want and like as opposed to how/what all those abusers and even enablers wanted of me. 

[Not Alone]

Sounds like growth and strength to me.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks guys for the comments.  Xx

It helps to hear that I'm taking steps in the right direction.

******************************

Feeling tired and triggered.

Work problems have been bothering me throughout the festive season.  But today, they're really persistently popping into my head.   I even dreamed about work last night.

I have been focusing on the here and now, and enjoying the Christmas break, quite and family times.  So far being mindful has worked. But today,  which is also my birthday, the negative  thoughts have broken through.  They really starting to panic me.

I've got two more days at home, then, I work one day. Then two more at home, then back to normal working patterns.    I'm totally dreading it.  I feel a little paralyzed by it.

I'm going to make an appointment to see my therapist.   We actually finished my therapy in March, but I've nipped back pretty much every couple of months, when I become overwhelmed.   I think it'll help to see her.

I'm convinced that I won't be able to cope at work.  That they're gonna fire me.  Or be angry at me.  I really do feel a sense of de ja vu. This feels like other situations where people have been disappointed in me and angry at me. But I'm presuming that this is an emotional flashback.   I'm so emotionally exhausted.