Is this signs of recovery, or merely intense symptoms?

[Convalescent]

They say a storm is necessary for calm to be made. Or something like that. I'd like to think that is true. A couple of weeks ago, I felt I really made progress... I had several flashbacks (these were visuals) where I felt sick before and after. Physical ill, like I had a fever. And my heart was pounding like crazy. And then I cried. I just cried. I cry a lot these days. There's so much sadness on the inside. Some of it is grief from a recent break-up, some is... grief, over my life. And I know that it is good, and I know I have to go that way to heal. And I was also working on independence (, standing up for myself, beliveing in my self, don't let others opinions (and what I believe others to be) have that much power over me and so forth), which actually gave some results. And then... as I thought, "Yeah, my life is finally starting to lap together. I'm finally really beginning"... after that, I've been really down. Desperate, sad, cried pretty much, felt so very little, ashamed, really really tense, lots of nerves and anxiety to the point of several panic attacks, depressed, really unsafe from everybody and everyone, I've barely got myself out to the grocery store. And I feel so little. I feel so f****ing small... And I get that feeling I had when I was a kid, when I really missed... my mom. She was the one safe haven as a kid. And my grandparents on her side. I start to cry when I write this. I miss safety. I miss feeling worthy. I miss not feeling like a kid, not feeling like I'm below everyone else. Most of all I miss safety. I miss it so bad. I feel so intensely alone in all this. I've talked to a friend of mine about it, which also suffers, or suffered, from C-PTSD. She said that recovery is one of the loneliest things there is.

I miss my mother... I have contact with her, but for some reason I have a really hard time opening up to her, emotionally. I can talk to her just about everything, but to actually show feelings, that's hard.

I feel so small

[schrödinger's cat]

Convalescent: 

I can relate to the loneliness. Recovery is so complicated. Such a mishmash of feelings and flashbacks and sensations, and they're related to the now but mostly from the past, even from different bits of the past all smooshed up together, and some of it looks REALLY bad but it can be a lot more harmless than symptoms that look inconspicuous, and... how does one even start to explain all this? Ugh.

I had a * day today, too. Mostly I feel unsettled, and HOW, and so I can relate a little bit to this feeling of smallness and lack of safety. It feels like nothing in life is safe anymore, nothing in life is normal anymore, and all I can see anywhere, wherever I turn, is death and betrayal and tragedy. It's a relief that I'm tired now - at least I can sleep now and forget about all of this for a bit, and hope that I'll feel better tomorrow. Because such feelings can easily lead to confirmation bias. One homes in on evidence that supports how one feels, and overlooks evidence that would disprove it. So when I'm unsettled, I'm noticing only other unsettling things, which makes me feel more unsettled. So tomorrow, I'm going on a diet when it comes to unsettling things. No more news until I'm feeling better, for one thing. And I'm going to set myself small goals, and use the pomodoro technique, and after accomplishing something (even little things) I'm going to praise myself for it extravagantly, because my Inner Critic is stupid and needs things repeated a lot using very small words. Also, I'm going to visualize whatever situation is so unsettling, and I'm going to imagine that Jane Austen is in it and helps me. For some reason, that usually makes things better.

Sorry. Whenever I'm tired, I write long texts. But I didn't want to leave this until tomorrow. You sounded like you're in such distress.

[marycontrary]

Oh Sweeties, this is the painful part of brain remodeling. You know how physical therapy hurts and sucks? Same, exact thing, except it is your brain...

It is gonna be OK. Digest those * feeling, one spoonful at a time. Here is something I want you to listen to...lot of good technical advice with releasing emotions.

Look at the talk called

Self-Generated Emotion
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/against-the-stream/id313540278?mt=2

Take care, Kiddos.

[Convalescent]

Thank you, both of you

No reason to apologize, Scrodinger's Cat. It's nice to see that you have a thourogly plan to deal with it. And be gentle and compassionate with/towards yourself. That's how I feel it gets really difficult. A lot of the healing, as far as I know (there's a lot I don't know about C-PTSD yet)... some of it comes from a gentle and compassionate attitude towards yourself, and sometimes a gentle and compassionate attitude makes room for the healing. Like grieving, remembering etc, in the right way. I don't remember who said it, but he said something the lines of "There's not a lot of space for healing in a state of self-hate". He is so right.

Yeah, recovery is a strange path. One thing I've learned these last couple of weeks is that it's definitely not linear. It's a bumpy and unexpected rollercoaster ride.

I think I'm going to read the article from Peter Walker, on how to deal with EFs, on his website. And try to be gentle and kind towards myself. Actually feel sorry for myself. I had a visit from a friend of mine on wednesday, and I cancelled on him the day before, but he didn't have a place to stay, so it was kind of a crisis, so of course I let him come. But that feels really... like you're trapped against your will. I don't have that much contact with him, and I don't feel safe around him (or anybody at the time for that matter, but others I see more often, so I know a little better), so that's a very draining experience. But, instead of hating myself as usual, I'm feeling more compassionate towards myself. That's kind of strange. I just... I know, deep inside, that I can function better with people, if I'm just safe with them. I know I'm not as tongue-tied... all of these things are symptoms, not describing of my personality.

I'm glad to hear that this is part of the recovery, Marycontrary. It kind of feels that way, but at the same time I wonder if I'm just retraumatizing. Thank you, I'll check it out later