DavidUK Journal

[Bach]

David, I can relate to the concept of feeling like a survivor of trauma rather than a victim.  I have always resisted identifying myself as a victim.  The word "victim" certainly applies to me in a technical way with regard to many things that I have endured in my life, but I don't like the passive connotations of the word when used to describe who I am as a person. 

Though, with that said, I'm not especially fond of thinking of myself as a "survivor" either, because to me it suggests in a different way that my life is defined entirely by the bad things that have happened to me.  I really don't want to define my life that way.  I have trauma the same way I have blue eyes and curly hair.  It's really hard to sum up what it means to be living with that in a tidy label like "victim" or "survivor".

You mentioned finding your inner child.  The concept of finding the inner child is something that I heard about in the past and couldn't really grasp, but since I came to this forum I have developed a deeper understanding.  That has been very useful!  I'm currently in the process of getting to know my inner children (there are a number of them of different ages), and I have discovered that if I can take a moment when something is stressing me to communicate with them instead of immediately reacting out of emotion, they can be very powerful allies in negotiating my daily life. 

I wish you the best in your quest to heal!

[sanmagic7]

hey david, and bach,

i think of myself as having been victimized, but i don't like either of the labels survivor or victim either, for the most part.  i do believe at times it's a miracle i survived what i've endured, cuz i know that many people don't survive.  but, i'm not a fan of labels for myself.  i think i have a free spirit that resists those.

still, i believe that for some people, labels are important.  sometimes to stay with them, sometimes to work thru them.  no judgment here.  it's what makes us individuals.

that inner child thing is rather new to me as well, and i've gotten a lot of ooomph from reading about how others here are dealing with that.  i've consciously experienced an adolescent me in the past couple years that was never there when i was actually an adolescent.  i don't know how it all works yet, but i give you credit for looking at it.  love and hugs!   

[DavidUK]

  sanmagic7 and Bach, thanks very much for your comments it's very interesting and useful for me to read how other people like yourselves view things like labels.
I think when writing in a journal there will always be (for me at least) a process of simplification in order to describe events/feelings because words simply aren't enough to describe our experiences.
That being said, semantics are powerful and I am finding it useful to 'get stuff out' in order to help me give some order, sequence and priority to what are normally streams of various thoughts, emotions, memories etc.
Sometimes I find it difficult to know which thoughts/emotions are coming from past or present etc. as they all get thrown 'into the mix'.
I expect that as I continue to learn and grow, the way I perceive and 'label myself' will also change... And that idea of me being a 'work in progress' is in itself something to give me optimism for the future..

Please continue to comment or add any thoughts you feel are relevant.. That's the benefit to me of writing this here, having the chance to read things from the perspective of others such as yourselves..and hopefully vice versa.. 😊👍

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, david, about searching for just the right words to express something, and i often come up short.  still, my journaling experience has been one of clarity, since writing about these things often jogs something else in my brain, and gives me a new word, expression, or realization that 'hits the spot', so to speak.  i often end up on tangents, but in the end, it's all relevant.

i'm glad you're finding this helpful for you.  even the journey back from the horrors of complex ptsd is complex.  i'm so grateful for this place and opportunity to explore my experience w/ like-minded people.  love and hugs to you.   

[DavidUK]

While I don't consider myself to be a techno dinosaur I guess I still have one foot planted firmly back in 1986, the New Romantics, Pacman etc..
I was laughing with a friend the other day about the 'skill' required in the 'good old days' to press 'play and record' simultaneously during the Sunday evening Top 40 countdown on BBC Radio 1 in order to record your favourite pop hit without missing the first 5 seconds of the intro!
Now those were the kind of skills worth having!! 😂

So I have to admit that the concept of the Podcast has to date eluded me...
And when today I was visiting a local cafe and one of the staff members recommended that I download  the Podcast How to fail - Elizabeth Day S4E4 : Mo Gawchat, I wasn't really fully 'sold on the idea'.
Anyway, this evening I flexed my internet muscles and managed to locate, download and begin listening to the Podcast, rather more easily I have to say, than I used to be able to record 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners on a Sunday night in my youth!

But once I discovered that the broadcast was about the Algorithm for Happiness that this guy had created I admit that I didn't even get past the introduction!
Even if such a thing exists, and works, I don't think I want to use it..
I think I would rather struggle along looking for something more elegant or perhaps beautiful as a solution for my ongoing happiness than do some number crunching.
I understand that for some people maths and numbers are very beautiful but they aren't really that much for me.
Out of two people standing in front of a Ferrari motorcar, one might say, "wow I really want to build one of those!"
But I will always, I think, be the other one who says, "Build it??? I wanna drive it!!!"

So I'm back to reading my book on DBT therapy and looking for a pencil to help me wind back the cassette tape that just got mangled and stuck in the recorder!! 😂

[DavidUK]

One Thing Leads To Another

It was very interesting for me.. (Continuing on from my previous journal entry regarding the Podcast I didn't want to listen to..) to notice the reasonably strong aversion I had to listening to the Podcast 'How to Fail' when Elizabeth Day interviewed  Mo Gawdat, a man who has according to him worked out the 'algorithm for happiness'.

Upon further reflection I realised that my fairly deep rooted resistance to listening to someone with a world view which I perceived as, "I'm a man, I'm in charge, I'm going to tell you how things work and what to do.." was me being judgemental in advance as a 'self protection' mechanism.
Two things were going on concurrently, first I was fairly sure that this guy's model of the world wouldn't fit with mine so I didn't really want to put an hour's worth of it into my brain...
Second I also realised that by using a total avoidance of it, I might be 'cutting off my nose to spite my face', as it was still possible I could learn something from the Podcast. And why should this be yet another 'no go' area which I have to 'skirt around' in order for me to retain my happiness/energy?

Maybe, if I can cultivate a little resilience first, there's something to be gained from sticking around and standing up to this.. 'The middle path..?'

So I downloaded the Podcast and began listening..

After only a few minutes of listening to generalisations and definitions of 'people are like this, people do that, and here's what we all need to do' etc I switched it off..
Already,  after only a few minutes of listening it was making me drained of energy and exhausted..

So I thought to myself, "do I stop here and 'claim victory' that I knew I wouldn't agree with his world view and therefore there was no point in my listening to him talk about it?"
I didn't feel like this was the answer for me, so instead I spent some time listening to some different music which I found 'uplifting', with my eyes shut, until I felt somewhat 're charged'.

Then I returned to the Podcast and began listening again...Mo went on to describe the tragic loss of his son at a young age, his grief and struggle to comprehend this, and his subsequent quest for answers to many of his big life questions... 
At this point I felt a huge outpouring of empathy and compassion for his suffering...
His approach to getting the answers was not the one I have or would have chosen but I totally understood his motivation...
So I realised that we do in fact share some common motivation at the values level..

To understand someone's values, one of the ways I have found useful is to ask questions such as, 'why is this important? Why are you doing this? What is this an example of?"
And the answers to these questions will usually give me answers which are more vague and non specific than those to questions such as "what are you doing? How are you doing it?" etc..

So if I wish to find some common ground, it's usually better for me to try and uncover some 'shared values' by asking 'why' questions...

For Mo the 'why' was pretty obvious, he wanted to try and come to terms with is grief..
The answer to, "why are you searching for the answers to finding happiness?" for Mo was so that he could heal himself sufficiently to carry on with his life...

And why am I doing the things I'm doing like writing this journal?
"So I can heal myself sufficiently to carry on with my life."

So at this level Mo and I are in agreement and 'on the same page'...

...thereafter I was able to listen to the rest of the Podcast without feeling the slightest bit judgemental towards him..

I wouldn't have sought out the solutions in the same way as him, but I understand his motives in seeking those answers..


Then as a direct result of listening to this first Podcast I noticed that there were three additional Episodes which I was interested in...
The guests were Tracey Thorn, Emile Sande and Andy McNab.

I downloaded the Andy McNab podcast.
In a similar way to my first feelings of aversion, when (having said previously he'd been clinically diagnosed as a Psychopath) Andy was asked by Elizabeth to give his definition of 'love', to which he replied, "a mutually beneficial transaction between two people."
This is a definition that obviously works well for Andy, having been happily married for 20yrs... but it doesn't fit with my world view.

So I questioned myself, "what is my definition of love?"

And the answer I came back with was, "A common appreciation for the things we find beautiful in this world, and the eagerness to share that feeling with a kindred spirit."

Or more simply, "we find the same things beautiful and want to share them with each other..."

And this was (my definition of love) something I had never tried to encapsulate in words before, and I was pretty happy with the way that I was able to put it into print...

So this morning I am sat back in the same cafe where the staff member suggested that I listened to the Podcast...
When I got to the counter and was served by the same staff member, instead of feeling as I had initially, resenting what I perceived as an attempt to try and convince me of a world view that wasn't the same as mine, I told him how pleased I was that I had listened to not only the Podcast which he had suggested, but two others so far..

We had a quick chat about the content of the Mo Podcast and his (Mo's) attempts to break down happiness into an equation which can be solved.
We also agreed that more generally it's useful to listen to other people's opinions in order to understand and make sense of our own...


And so I guess one thing leads to another....

[Hope67]

And why am I doing the things I'm doing like writing this journal?
"So I can heal myself sufficiently to carry on with my life."

Hi David,
This is meaningful.  Glad you're writing your journal and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[DavidUK]

 
Hey Hope,
Nice to hear from you! After my initial feeling when I joined OOTS of a real need to 'get a lot of stuff out' , and this journal is a great vehicle for doing that, I'm feeling more relaxed and not posting quite so much!
I don't know if you or others had similar experiences when you first joined the community?
Now I think I will probably post stuff that I think is more 'significant' to my journey as opposed to everything!!
It's always interesting / useful for me to notice how things like the podcasts affect me or cause avoidance. I'm learning to be a bit kinder to myself and not be too harshly critical when I get feelings like avoidance. Instead I'm trying to approach them more gently a bit at a time, as little or as much as I feel I'm able to cope with...
This is a reflection of my day to day life at the moment where I am trying to be more kind and gentle towards myself, buying flowers and moisturisers etc which is very alien to me! I'm having to teach myself to be kind to myself!!
It's all part of my overall healing process which I am very thankful is going well atm.
Hopefully by January / February time next year I will be in a position to move into my own council accommodation. This is a big milestone for me, even my Job Coach in the Job Centre was in tears with me when I said that it seems I have turned a corner in my life!!

So I am very grateful for your support, as well as everyone else's, and I am most thankful for 'hugs' which I am learning to accept again, now that I am taking down a few barriers to friendships!
And sending them back to you with best wishes and support for you in your journey too!

Bless you 🙏

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're learning a lot about yourself, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  i truly believe the more we know about our own selves, the more we can learn what's best for us and what's to be avoided.  looks like you're doing a good job of that.

i've gone from one side to another when it comes to posting on the forum.  lots of journaling, lots of taking breaks, lots of responding to others, or at times not having the energy to respond to anyone.  i think it depends on what works best for an individual at any given time.  seems like it's more learning about yourself.  very cool.  love and hugs, david.

[DavidUK]

 
Hi Sanmagic, thanks for your message! It's definitely a journey of self discovery for me... A combination of trying to understand how I work, and how everything around me works...then trying to find a way of living within that system that gives me balance between changing some things and living in harmony with others.
I find as the years go on that I'm trying more and more to 'fine tune' my life rather than use big broad brush strokes to make changes. I tinker with things a little bit then wait for results, then maybe make some small adjustments..

When I was younger I was lurching back and forth between being very positive and then becoming exhausted and being negative... Now I am trying to 'potter along' at a steady pace..

I think my posting and journaling will reflect that more as I move forward...

Bless you for your support!

🙏 😊

[Three Roses]

Yup, breaks are very helpful, I'm just back after a pretty long one. Feeling stronger.

[DavidUK]

 
Hi Three Roses, I'm pleased that you are feeling stronger after your break 👍
I think that for me I am beginning to reap the benefits of DBT therapy combined with anti anxiety medication, as well as client centred counselling. This combination seems to suit me better than the anti depressants which I tried.
I don't feel in quite such a rush to do things as I did before, whether that's posting here or solving problems, resolving situations etc.
Just feeling like I have a little more time, composure, mindfulness of my actions is a nice change for me to notice.

I hope that things continue to go well for you and your renewed strength helps you on your journey..
😊🙏

[Hope67]

Hi David,
Just popping by to say 'hi' and it's good to hear that you are beginning to reap the benefits of your therapy, and that the combination is suiting you well.  You mentioned having a 'little more time, composure, mindfulness' of your actions and that being a nice change for you to notice, those words were very calming, and I wish you the best with this week and hope that you are ok.  Sending you a safe hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[DavidUK]

Hi Hope, thanks for stopping by! 
At the moment I am trying to put in place strategies and coping mechanisms for when I return to work in the future.
The feelings that come up for me when I think about some of the situations that I might be faced with in a workplace environment are quite powerful; for example not being valued or validated amongst others.
I am trying a softly, softly approach to them.. building resiliency bit by bit, not being hard on myself when things gets difficult, and instead backing off and being kind to myself instead. It's a work in progress!

I started to read the Pete Walker book a few weeks ago 'cover to cover' instead of just dipping in and out as I had been doing.
The stories he described about his experiences and those of people he met sent me so far back into my own memories and so often that I gave up! For every few sentences forward I was spending half an hour or more in my past!!
I might go back to it some other time as I find it very interesting...but for now it's in the draw of my bedside table 😊

I'm thinking more about the future as my past isn't too intrusive on my present day activities unless I dwell on it.

So for now I'm  just gently moving forward... stop, rest and re-group.. then gently moving forward again...

It's nice to hear from you Hope and I'm sending supportive hugs back to you..

David
😊

[Three Roses]

Sorry to hear you were so triggered by Pete Walker's book. It's easy to see how it could be triggering! If I might suggest a different book - have you read "The Body Keeps The Score"? Much easier to read, less triggering (at least it was for me), and personally I found it so validating that it's made the short list of life altering books I've read. Another book you may find useful is "Adult Children Of Abusive Parents" by Steven Farmer. Even if this isn't your background, the writing exercises in it are superb and so helpful. Another book that's in my short list!