Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

Thank you Snowdrop     At least I got out of the house, spoke to a few people, did something semi-useful.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Sorry you are feeling low blueberry and well done for getting out and about. I know how it feels when laying low feels like the only thing to do. Sab.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sab. I phoned a few people I know who like playing board games to see if anybody wants to tomorrow. But nobody has time. At least I tried. I did some garden work and also went to buy some laundry detergent so I can start some laundry tomorrow before the shops open, if I happen to feel like it. So these are baby steps forward.

I also realise I'm feeling a tad explosive today and that it has little to do with anything going on irl.

[Blueberry]

I got a tiny bit more active today. I even phoned an elderly lady I know to ask if she wanted to come over and play a board game, which she did!

For not the first time, she started telling me about her dysfunctional FOO and FOC and so I finally suggested she might actually be better off without them. I've heard most of her stories before and it's enough for me. I agreed that it's sad, said that's how I feel about the problems in my FOO as well but I genuinely am better off without them. She actually took that on board.

This morning after I drifted off to sleep again (oops), I heard my M calling my nickname, so I woke up again. Of course irl she hadn't called my name at all. It's not the first time that has happened. When it happens, it's because I've drifted off to sleep again, but should be getting up, and her voice sounds kind, not angry at all. I like to hear her voice that way. But otoh it's a bit hard because it reminds me her treatment of me wasn't all bad. But I do know that the treatment was so bad enough of the time that I have cptsd and that my parents aren't capable of changing and so it's best to keep my distance. Really really best because I don't have the resilience to put up with FOO onslaught.

A while ago B1 asked me a question for one of my nephews, so I emailed a response directly to my nephew, but on B's email. In response I got a photo from B1 that had already been sent to other FOO mbrs, so it was like a 'reward'. I answered the bait I'm losing less sleep over these kinds of things now. It's like they're showing me who they are combined with maybe they really don't understand why I've reduced contact big time. Maybe they really are so clueless. I'm just less and less interested in trying to figure anything out with them or try and explain (again).

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Great that the elderly lady accepted your invitation to play the board game.  I really like board games, but haven't played one for years now - I find that people don't tend to want to do it, so I'm glad you found someone who would. 
Glad to hear you're losing less and less sleep over some things, it must be tiring trying to explain things many times - if someone remains clueless and doesn't get it (referring to your FOO and B1.
to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm just back from two pretty strenuous days at the farm. They actually went well considering. The guy I usually work with was on holiday on Monday for the first time in Idk how long - years. The farm has got to learn how to do the work w/o him, so that was one reason why he wasn't there. He wasn't there today either, though he has had Tuesday off before. He's forcing the farm to learn his work for when he goes into retirement.

I said I'd help, though I can't take on the full responsibility or the full hours. I did make some internal progress with self-accetance, setting limits and standing up for myself, which I will write about on here a little later, I hope. Work with one particular person is not always easy for me, but it went better today and yesterday than it usually does.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blueberry, especially w/ acceptance and boundaries.  those have both been tough for me at times, so i give lots of credit to anyone who gets behind that.   

lots of progress, sweetie.  i'm so glad for you!   love and hugs   

[Three Roses]

 

[Sceal]

Great that you got to work on some boundaries and self-acceptance! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Therapy was really useful today too. I came straight home and implemented something from T right away.   I really am making progress! At least I usually write in my Paper Journal on the way home from T, so some of the progress is in there.

I want to listen to a video or two now, while I still can.

[Three Roses]

  I really am making progress!

I love you giving yourself recognition and praise!! Good job, you! ❤️

[Not Alone]

Thanks Therapy was really useful today too. I came straight home and implemented something from T right away.   I really am making progress! At least I usually write in my Paper Journal on the way home from T, so some of the progress is in there.

:cheer:Fantastic!

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody   

I came back on the forum to absorb a bit of energy and impetus-to-follow-through. I notice so far this morning I've been haring around, which makes me feel under pressure. I also do genuinely feel put under pressure a bit by a client though there's no deadline involved. There's no reason for her to put me under pressure except of course for her own gains. Back off! I'm imagining my hand going up showing her to back off.

Feeling under pressure leads to  effect. I have to do this and that and the other by then and then. I don't though. Breathe, slow down. What do I really have to do? What can wait till tomorrow or just an hour? I know it's lateish morning but i haven't had breakfast yet which definitely has priority over phoning a bunch of clients over new dates, old dates, contracts not adhered to etc etc.

[Three Roses]

You're a capable person, Blueberry. You have every right to "push back" when others try to pressure you. You can choose your own pace, or no pace at all. You are the one in the position of having the upper hand, as you have what your clients want, and you're good at it. Move to the sound of your own music. I'm cheering you on!

[Blueberry]

Thank you 3R! It appears just telling myself I can give some push back and the hand signal in my head helped 

One of the clients phoned again herself yesterday and was actually quite reasonable. It was also easier for me that she phoned back, even though officially I should have phoned her.

Today I phoned another one who disregarded my contract by not coming to a lesson and she said 'of course' that lesson is forfeit i.e. she paid for the lesson and is not getting a make-up lesson. I actually had a good, clarifying talk with her.

So it is really good for me as well as important to note that dealing with other people is not always tedious, energy-consuming and just plain difficult. It is in some cases, e.g. my landlord is still not dealing and I couldn't get through to him today. His secretary claimed he was out and then that he was talking on the phone and that I must phone back before 11:30 AM closing time, which I did several times to no avail. There was no response. Needless to say he doesn't contact me of his own accord. This case is very energy-consuming and difficult - it's triggering a number of FOO memories.

Also good to note that sometimes phoning really is easier than hacking things out via email, which means I'm making progress in that I'm more 'on the ball' when phoning and less likely to freeze and have no appropriate response occur to me until a few days have passed. Freezing on the phone is of course cptsd-related, so again something is healing