Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[Jdog]

Definitely here with you, Blue!

[Deep Blue]

I have to say, it really made me smile to hear what color crayon you would each be!    I think it's pretty obvious I'd be a deep blue color 

3R, I see you as a forest green. 😘
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So had therapy yesterday and then just sorta mentally coasted for the rest of the day.

First we watched a video clip from the movie sixteen candles.  There is a scene where 2 "nerds" are in a trunk. The music helped and I was actually pretty good with it.  So we moved on to something more difficult.

Then we watched a YouTube video of a "social experiment". The experiment was to have a guy locked in a trunk and for him to make noise in there and see if anyone on the street would come and get him.

What got me was the muffled sound while he was in the trunk.  I never yelled when I was in the trunk (first time I pleaded a little) but that was it.  But I know that muffled sound.  I couldn't actually watch much of the clip. I kinda side eyed it a little.  The video played through.  I disconnected from it.  My anxiety peaked, but not high enough to give me a panic attack.

Last night I had a strange nightmare but luckily I wasn't in the trunk in it, so I'll take it.

Goodnight all, hopefully I sleep better tonight 

[Tee]

  those are big. Good luck sleeping tonight.

[Three Roses]

DB, I'm no expert but I see huge strides and tremendous progress. Well done, you. Well done. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ both tee and 3r - you are doing so well, making progress for sure.  i can relate to not making any noise - knowing me, i wouldn't have done that, either.  just waiting . . .

sleep well tonite, sweetie.  sending love and a hug full of continuous courage as you plow through all this.

[Deep Blue]

Tee, 3R and San,
Thanks so much for your continued support.

Last week went by in a blur. It was so busy and I had no time at all.
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Went to therapy again today. More exposure... ugh. Today we watched a news report of a man who was hijacked and his hijackers had him in the trunk while they drove around for over an hour. Finally they were pulled over and the police let the man out.  Honestly, I was fine.  I'm not sure why? It just didn't trigger me for some reason.

Next I read an entry of my personal journal that was the first time I was in put in the trunk. That was harder for me. I had to keep stopping to ground myself, remind myself what was real and what was just words on a page... it was like I was fighting the flashbacks of being in there... I dunno, I'm ok tonight. Why isn't trauma more predictable? Why can't I know what will actually trigger me? I dunno.... feeling tired I guess.

Night all

[Tee]

  good job good night deep blue.  Keep working hard.  You can do it. Hugs.

[Not Alone]

Good job to keep stopping to ground yourself. You're doing really hard work.

[Three Roses]

Good night dear Deep Blue. It's no wonder you're tired, after all the hard work you've been doing. Rest well.

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I wish you a peaceful sleep. 

[Sceal]

I think that eventhough something first doesn't trigger you and you expect it to. It still takes a toll and it takes so much energy from you. Then when you move on to the next part that is also exposure your composure or strength or constitution has already been spent a bit and it leaves you more vulnerable for being triggered. And then it might appear whenever you least expect it because of vulnerability and perhaps exhaustion..

Exposure therapy is incredible taxing and difficult. I think it will be quite hard for a while, but soon you might notice things that bothered you big time before doesn't have quite the same effect anymore.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

You are one of the most courageous people I know.  To be able to ride those waves of exposure therapy and maintain composure as you did - bravo.

I hope you slept well, dear!

[Deep Blue]

Not doing so well today I'm afraid. I had a trigger last night... the very trigger I've been working on with my T.... ugh!!!!

Thanks for all your support and well wishes... I'm gonna need to read through them a few more times and try to pull some more strength from them.
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Last night we were watching a show that streams on Netflix in the states. At the very end of the episode they had a scene where a young girl was in the trunk of a car.  She was tied up and terrified but didn't make a sound.

I didn't tell my husband I was triggered. It was at the very end of the episode so I went straight upstairs "to bed". I actually went straight upstairs and had a HUGE panic attack.   

What the heck!?!? I've been doing better with this trigger lately.  So why not this time??

These are my theories, ANY Thoughts welcomed!!!
1. Seeing the girl in the trunk was unexpected.  It wasn't something I knew I would see like when we are doing exposure in therapy.

2. My T works hard to make sure I feel safe before doing exposure.  I do feel much safer when I'm with her.

3. This was a girl in the trunk.  The exposure we have been doing in therapy has all been guys.  I wonder if I connect to the girl more? Also she was a teenager.... same age as me when I endured this particular "punishment" from my abuser.

Again.... any thoughts welcomed please 

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.  I too was blind-sided by a trigger last night. An image on a show I had turned on.  It brought on a flashback and immediate panic. It was unexpected and It washed over me and I had no control. So understandable that you would feel the way you do. I totally agree with your thoughts on why it hit you the way it did. It was unexpected. It was terrifying. It was more identifiable to your personal experience.

This in no way invalidates the work you've been doing in therapy. This was a different circumstance and I think your body, your being is responding appropriately, doing its thing to keep you safe. So now the question is how can you let yourself know you are in fact safe. That image you saw wasn't you. You are safe in your home. Supported and loved. If you can, "give the hurt part of you deep compassion. Try to engage in self care that sends a message that you are worthy of self care." (That is the message my T sent me last night. It helped me step into grown up me a little and start thinking of how I could take care of teen me in the middle of the avalanche.)

I'm sorry you were not able to let your H know what you were experiencing. So hard to have to hide what's going on and try to cope. I totally understand and am with you. I'm so glad you posted. What you experienced was so scary and even for those without that shared experience those images are scary.  You are so brave and strong Deep Blue. You are safe now. You are worthy of being safe and cared for.  Gentle, safe    if that's ok.

[Not Alone]

I think all the reasons you listed for why this triggered you make sense. You did not do anything wrong by being triggered. It also doesn't negate any of the hard work you've been doing.