Discovery Journal

[Three Roses]

San, Tee - 

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I'm angry. I've been angry. I've been angry for so long. And I've denied it. I've denied it for so long that I don't know who I am anymore.

I have a suspicion that that's why I'm finding it difficult to be in social situations - I don't know how to act because I don't know who I am. Who I really am. I've been told I'm too this, too that, too triggering, too nice, "be this way, instead," so I adapt, and then it's, "be another way," until I don't know how I'm supposed to function. I've allowed it to cripple me.

I've been too concerned with avoiding hurting others. A noble endeavor, until it's done to one's own detriment. Then it becomes dysfunctional, codependency. It's eating me alive.

I'm throwing down my crutches. I'm kicking down the scaffolding. Ripping off the bandages. Even if I stumble and bleed (metaphorically speaking), I'm walking the rest of my road trying to uncover the pieces of me I threw away, abandoned, buried. It'll take me a while to dig them up and dust them off. But I'm not giving up.

[woodsgnome]

Three Roses said: "I'm throwing down my crutches. I'm kicking down the scaffolding."...etc.   

And ... "I'm walking the rest of my road trying to uncover the pieces of me I threw away, abandoned, buried. It'll take me a while to dig them up and dust them off. But I'm not giving up."

I'm so with you, and I love how you incorporated the kintsugi practice of finding all the old pieces, restoring and building an even better, more authentic 'you'. The new art work will be yours, and yours alone. 

[sunflower38]

Hi Three Roses! What you said really struck a chord with me. I find it so easy to go into a people pleaser role.  Sometimes I enjoy the caretaker aspect and I wonder if it's a part of my personality, but there are times that some people take advantage of that through conditioning and it causes me a lot of pain. What you said about taking charge and finding yourself is so inspiring! I'm wishing you the best in your endeavor!

[Three Roses]

I love how you incorporated the kintsugi practice of finding all the old pieces, restoring and building an even better, more authentic 'you'. The new art work will be yours, and yours alone. 

I hadn't realized the connection until you said this - and how deep my belief goes that I am broken into pieces. Thanks again, my friend!

What you said about taking charge and finding yourself is so inspiring! I'm wishing you the best in your endeavor!

That's what I love about our forum, how we inspire each other and take away the lonely feelings of being abnormal, different, alien. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

... I'm walking the rest of my road trying to uncover the pieces of me I threw away, abandoned, buried. It'll take me a while to dig them up and dust them off. But I'm not giving up.

You will find them, Three Roses, they're still there inside just waiting to be rediscovered. It might take some time and it might hurt a little (or sometimes a lot) but they *are* there for you, and you will find them 

And you have here for support, if and when you need some. 

[Tee]

3R I totally get that trying to be everything everyone else wants and losing yourself.  I hope that your journey back is easier that you think.  I agree with SaB the pieces are there and I think you show who are here so it's just having the courage to live it unabashedly.  You are strong and courageous, with such a wise beautiful soul. With love and support on your journey.

[Three Roses]

S&B, Tee -  as always, your support means more than I can adequately express. 

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Read a poem and thought I'd put it here -

"Today
I gave up
On healing my trauma
I gave up
On practicing the skills
To become whole
Today I gave up
On evolving
Into that ever elusive
Better version of myself
Today I submitted
To the wound of love
I stopped pointing at it
Looking at it
Soothing it
Tweaking it
Fixing it
Finessing it
Hiding it
Polishing it
I stopped this game of separation
I crawled inside the wound
And spread it open
I decided to wear it like a gown
I accepted my total and utter
Failure
To be anything else
But me"
- Maya Luna

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This poem speaks so strongly to me! To me, it's not saying to totally give up, but just for today to take a break.

I will pursue my Self - the self that was lost and buried in years of trying to hide my trauma. I have no more apologies to give for bearing wounds that I did not cause.

My new attitude -
"If my wounds alarm you, I invite you to look away. Don't make me responsible for your feelings surrounding them; that's your job."

[Not Alone]

My new attitude -
"If my wounds alarm you, I invite to look away. Don't make me responsible for your feelings surrounding them; that's your job."

Very powerful statement.

I like the poem you shared. Sometimes I need to just believe and accept my past and feel the destruction it caused.
"I stopped this game of separation
I crawled inside the wound
And spread it open
I decided to wear it like a gown"

[Tee]

I like the way you said that.  It's not your job to hide your wounds. 

It triggered some thoughts I might need to write down later.
Wrote a poem called wounds if you want to check it out.

[sanmagic7]

wow, 3r, some really powerful stuff!  honestly, i applaud you   .  to own your grit and allow it says to me that some of that anger is giving you the strength and power to accomplish being your own truth.  that poem was fabulously on the money - i've also gone this way and that in trying to find the 'best' version of me, rather than the most honest version of me.  we have nothing to be ashamed of.

didn't you tell me about the broken pottery that's mended w/ gold or silver, and it becomes it's own, newly discovered work of art?  that's exactly how i see what you're saying.  we have been broken, shattered even, but that takes nothing away from the valuable, wonderful, glorious people we are.  i give you so much credit for this revelation, sweetie.  i really do.  my heart sings for you!     well, that's whistling, but you get the idea.  there's music there.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ honestly and personal truth.  you so deserve that, and pish on all that 'advice' that's told you who you 'should' be.  you are so beautiful as you.   

[Three Roses]

Tee  you're a darling!

San  you made me literally laugh out loud at "my heart sings for you!     well, that's whistling, but you get the idea.  there's music there"! 🤣

[MoonBeam]

I will pursue my Self - the self that was lost and buried in years of trying to hide my trauma. I have no more apologies to give for bearing wounds that I did not cause.

My new attitude -
"If my wounds alarm you, I invite you to look away. Don't make me responsible for your feelings surrounding them; that's your job."

Wow, powerful indeed Three Roses. And just what I needed to hear. I'm inspired. Thank you for sharing.

[Three Roses]

Oops! I skipped thanking you, notalone! 😢 So very sorry. Thank you so much for your support and validation, and glad you liked the poem. 

MoonBeam - thanks for the support, and I'm glad it was what you needed too. 

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Today, I'm going to hide in my room, do some reading, eat better, and rest up from my busy week. I've been doing a lot, helping my hubby's ex-coworker, and I want to be mindful of the border between truly helping vs helping to keep from looking at my own 💩.

Found a new home for my chickens and I'm so thankful. He's a good man who only wants them for the company (and some eggs) and so I don't have to worry about them being a meal sometime in the future. It was totally serendipitous so thank you, Universe.   

Had a couple of realizations this week, too. I think I've known them for a long time now but I'm ready to name them.

1) I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I do not use food for nourishment, I use it for entertainment. It's time to take a look at the issues behind this and get serious about taking care of myself better. Ooooo just then an ICr popped up and said, "Why?" in a very demeaning and scornful tone.

2) this one is not as easy to admit. At times I use sh. Not at the moment and not for a few days. I suppose I could look at food that way, too, but this is something different.

So, I'm going to work in my handwritten journal today and hopefully read some "Survivor To Thriver" and work there, too. Then tomorrow we have family coming, she'll be here possibly until mid August. This is a person with whom I've had trouble in the past but we are okay now. Moving forward, choosing to let bygones be bygones.

[Tee]

Take care of yourself! 
for identifying for yourself things you need to keep in check good luck. Here if you need an extra hug or support.  I appreciate all of your help.  Make sure you take credit of you though!
Yeah for finding a good home for your chickens.

I have kind of an opposite relationship with food I guess.  I sometimes forget to eat and it's not till the dull ache in my stomach triggers other things that I remember I should eat something. I feel for you though I have many friends that struggle with food so I know it's hard.

Good luck with your self care and journal. I really do appreciate you and your support.

[Three Roses]

Yes, Tee, that's more the type of unhealthy relationship I have with food, too. I forget to eat, sometimes don't even feel hungry and sometimes when I am hungry I seek unhealthy foods instead of true sustenance. If it's not "fun" I don't want to eat it. Sometimes my headaches are from low blood sugar and are my first realization that I need food.