Emotions about CPTSD Diagnosis

[Ayisha]

I am new to Out of the Storm. I am hoping to share my experiences and opinions about CPTSD with other sufferers. I'm sure we could relate to each other's situations and perhaps share ideas about how to improve our day to day lives.
Below is one of a number of definitions that pertain to CPTSD.

C-PTSD is generally until now, known as a psychotic condition known to veterans of war, but thankfully more recent studies prove that this condition is prevalent in lay-persons who have also suffered an event or events that have transformed their persona, their person in its entirety. 
(Unknown source)
I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), when I was 55 years old. Why I couldn't have just plain PTSD is beyond me, mine had to be the complex kind, the incurable kind. After I was diagnosed with C-PTSD (which I had never heard of before), I started researching about the condition. I was desperate for information and answers.

I was shocked; I was astonished to find that the information on the internet read like it had been written about me. I could see myself in every word on every page! My heart stopped beating; there was no blood in my veins, as the words exploded in my brain.

The meaning of the definition above sums up the effects of C-PTSD fo me. 'My person in its entirety has changed'. To me this means I am not the person I was supposed to be: I am not the person I was born to be. Well ****, that's just ******* great! So who's going to fix me? What type of cure does one seek out for this? Who is going to remedy all the havoc that has occurred over the years.  The lost family and damaged relationships that I have caused, and estrangements that we have all suffered throughout the time. What treatment is going to rid me of my addiction to alcohol. If my persona has been transformed, then what the **** is my real persona supposed to look like? Perhaps I would have been a better mother to my children? A better friend, a better partner. I have been robbed through my trauma as a child... my innocent soul was stolen! No wonder I had trouble relating to myself all my life! I was condemned to a life not my own!
Would anyone else like to share how they felt when they were first diagnosed?
Glad to be on board
Ayisha

[Three Roses]

... mine had to be the complex kind, the incurable kind.

Whoever told you it's incurable is wrong.

There is a relatively new branch in medicine, neuroplasticity, which studies the brain and its ability to heal. I would write more but I've had an exhausting day.

I'm glad you're here and I hope you spend some time looking at all the posts to find ones that are applicable to you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Ayisha. 

I need to correct a few things you wrote and encourage you to do some more reading. We have a lot of great resources that can help you to understand exactly what is Complex PTSD and about causes, symptoms, treatment, etc.

First off though, please know that it is not a psychotic condition, instead as the name implies it is a disorder that can develop when a person faces overwhelming traumatic stress. In the case of Complex PTSD it is ongoing, cumulative stress whereas with PTSD it is shorter term or a single incident stress. Some of us are not fans of the word "disorder" by the way, preferring "response" instead as it more clearly captures the fact that the stress was inflicted on us by someone or something outside of us.

Also, as Three Roses pointed out Complex PTSD is not incurable, rather the symptoms can be mitigated with trauma informed treatment & self-care.  Your self is wounded to be sure, but you are still you and you can recover & heal.  Again there are lots of resources about this here for you to explore.

I certainly can relate to your anger about finding out you have Complex PTSD, many of us can.  It is a big loss and a rotten hand of cards to have been dealt. Getting that anger out and moving past it toward a healthier, more positive life for yourself is possible though. Posting and reading here and finding a trauma informed therapist are two good ways to start on that.   

[Deep Blue]

I need to correct a few things you wrote and encourage you to do some more reading. We have a lot of great resources that can help you to understand exactly what is Complex PTSD and about causes, symptoms, treatment, etc.

First off though, please know that it is not a psychotic condition, instead as the name implies it is a disorder that can develop when a person faces overwhelming traumatic stress. Some of us are not fans of the word "disorder" by the way, preferring "response" instead as it more clearly captures the fact that the stress was inflicted on us by someone or something outside of us.

Also, as Three Roses pointed out Complex PTSD is not incurable, rather the symptoms can be mitigated with trauma informed treatment & self-care. 

Thanks I was just going to write a response and saw Kizzie wrote what I was going to beautifully.  Welcome to OOTS, glad to have you hear and hopefully we can help you through the process of this beast 

[LilyITV]

I haven't received an official diagnosis yet, but when I can identify with many of the feelings you posted about when I discovered C-PTSD.  You said it so well when you talked about the person you "were born to be".  I had always thought that I had a "normal" and "happy" childhood, but now in therapy I'm forced to confront the fact that my childhood was anything but.  I guess when you're a kid you have no frame of reference for what "normal" is. 

Although I do not agree that C-PTSD should be considered a "disorder", I did feel an enormous sense of relief and validation once I understood what the diagnosis entails.  I had always had a sense that something was not quite right with me and a vague sense that I was not living up to my potential.  I had spent years using various self-help methods to fix certain aspects of myself--procastination, low energy, lack of assertiveness, shyness, etc with limited success. 

Now I feel I have the answer to everything and I can move forward with my life.  I feel regret because I feel like I missed out on half of my life, but on the other hand, I am grateful that I have the rest of my life that I can begin to live out to the fullest.  Also, if I had not been through trauma, who knows what kind of person I would have become.  I feel that when you experience trauma, it makes you stronger and more empathetic.  When I am "cured" , I believe I will be able to appreciate life in a deeper way compared to people who have not experienced trauma.