ch. 5 -- looking forward

[Sceal]

Big hug to you! I am so glad you're enjoying your celebrity crush! So much fun! I love having them, personally. Safe, simple and the imagination can be quite fun! 

[sanmagic7]

definitely!  thanks for the support.  it feels new to me, i really do feel like a 16-yr. old.  fizzy bubbles inside.

[Blueberry]

  So happy for you you're going through these teen experiences now with your Inner Teens, filling in the holes from then.  I have those sorts of holes too, but not at the right place in my healing for them. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the  , bb.  you know, i didn't even realize i had those holes.  my d and i talk about this house being magic, and i believe it.  our surrounding are like a fairyland.  it's all protecting us from what's going on elsewhere, and it seems like i'm safe enough to recognize those holes now.  i don't doubt you'll get there as well, hopefully sooner than you imagine.  i know i didn't expect this.

anyway, my d told me today she likes this teen version of me a whole lot better than that snarky rebellious teen.  i told her that's what it's like to be a mom to one - she's got that experience under her belt whether she actually ever has kids or not - lol!

i'm just gonna ride this wave and enjoy the thrill of it all for now.  too much fun to give up.  and like sceal said, the imagination can go anywhere.  giggle giggle

[Wattlebird]

You go girl, 16 sounds like it could be fun with those fizzy bubbles happening, enjoy yourself 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, wb.  you brought a lovely smile to me with your     thanks.

[sanmagic7]

TW  ***  POLITICS *** TW



last nite i watched the latest episode of 'murphy brown'.  i watched that original show, so i know it's political, about journalists.  last nite, tho, it struck a chord with me that i've been attempting to ignore, not talk about.  when the characters spoke of the state of the u.s., tho, and that they're now afraid to be frank and forthright - in other words, do their jobs - it really was disturbing.

as i've mentioned before, i have not felt much fear in my life, and i'm glad.  however, i am now scared (not just upset) because of what's happening in this country.  i lived in mex. for 16 yrs., with corruption, cartels, bribery, poverty, and the horrors that go on there, but i was never afraid, not where i lived.  that town was my safety cocoon, the one place i used to think of when someone asked me where i felt 'safe'.

never, in all my life as an activist, feminist, volunteer, and politically-aware woman had i ever dreamed that someday i would actively be so disheartened that i would consciously refuse to take part in the political system of this country.  i voted as soon as i turned 18, and in every election possible till i moved to mex.  i wanted to believe that we'd find a way.

my optimism continually took hits, but i bounced back.  i've seen a lot on the political front, but nothing has ever scared me the way this country is now doing.  the hate is so hard to bear at times, it's all i can do to continue standing.   i went to sleep in tears for what has become of this nation.  fighting back the fear has become a full-time job.

so i sit in my house at the edge of the rainforest, trees, shrubs, and flowers surrounding me, expecting to see mystical creatures frolicking out my bedroom window, and praying that the magic that is here will protect my d and me.  she, too, is sorely affected by all this. 

so far, we are strong enough to fight against the despair.  that episode, tho, brought it smack dab into my face.  mb/candace bergen has always fought the good fight, and never let anything or anyone stand in her way.  last nite i saw her frightened, and that scared me even more.

just had to get this out.  it's in my entrails now, and things will never be the same.

[sanmagic7]

wow, i totally crashed today after my 'spike' giggle, fizzy, bubbly high.  overwhelmed with sadness at what i couldn't be at that age.  that sadness extrapolated onto how i couldn't be the person i wanted to be, the mom i wanted to be, or the friend i wanted to be.  this sucks.

i was able to sit with the feeling for awhile, remembering everyone who had written about doing so,  then i started crying, kept that up, began shaking,  ok, enuff.  that's not good for me, so it was science to the rescue. 

just wanted to put this down.  it helps to be able to acknowledge, admit, accept, and express this stuff for me.  seems to help my healing process.

then i felt anger at all the people who took advantage of my confusion, who emotionally abused an overall giving, nurturing, and loving nature.  batards!!!

[Sceal]

Dear San. Warm hug to you!
I understand the sadness you feel about all the lost opportunities you had to let go, or maybe at the time wasn't aware you were missing out on. Allow the sadness, acknowledge it for a little bit, I think you already did by sitting with the emotions for a while. How about you work towards being the mother, friend and person whom you want to be now? It doesn't make up for what you lost, but maybe it can make your present life better? We are supposed to be living in the moment they say.
I know what I am suggesting is super hard to do, but it starts with a wish I think.

Also, I do think it is healthy to allow yourself to be angry at all of the people in your life that took advantage of you and * up your life.

[sanmagic7]

my dear sweet sceal, thank you.

you know, i am doing just that, making the decision of who i want to be and following thru on it day by day.  i think a lot of what goes on with me emotionally is that at the time i didn't have access to the emotions (alexithymia stuff), so they were there but i couldn't label them or access them consciously. 

for most of my life i know i carried sadness around - it showed in my eyes, but i didn't have a focus for it (like i wrote previously about my constant crying).  i know this because people would ask me, as soon as i wasn't animated, talking, or laughing, 'why are you so sad?  usually this was by strangers, in bars, when i was sitting and watching others dancing or waiting for a girlfriend to come back from the john.

they saw it, so many of them, so i knew it was showing - i just couldn't feel it (like i couldn't feel anger or fear or happy or joy or anything of that nature of emotional levels.  so, feeling this sadness today is a step forward, even tho it's painful as all get out.  i have a focus for it finally - at least this little piece of it.

i'm also able to cry about it cuz i can finally recognize what it's for, so this crying has a focus, too.  this is all good stuff, all progress in my being more human.  honestly, i really wasn't, even tho i tried to be.  i just didn't have the tools, the awareness, the neural connections; hence, i didn't have the capability.

i didn't cry for any of my breakups, divorces, my folks' deaths (not till about 8 yrs. later, actually and that was, weirdly enough, during an orgasm.  it seems that such a state of vulnerability began allowing other emotions to push thru.  i've been able to utilize sex and funerals as emotional outlets that had little to do with what was really going on tangibly.

i know i still have sadness and buckets of tears inside, but they are slowly making their way out.  i cried with my d today, told her about what was going on, and she was patient and kind, and allowed, even encouraged me to keep crying as long as i needed to.  then she told me that in the past 5 mos. that we've been living together here in this magical place, she's seen a lot of improvement/changes.

she told me i seemed more stable, more active, not so prone to stay in bed, not so stressed (well, i was dying when i first got up here, and after the cancer was taken care of, my body and brain were able to regroup.  i imagine that plays a pretty big part, too.)

but, it's good to feel healthier, and i think that being here with her, being allowed to be me in all facets, has helped a great deal.  she's been a godsend, and i'm so glad she allowed me to live with her.  she knows therapeutic processes, so she accepts this stuff, accepts me going thru it.

so, yeah, sceal, i do concentrate on being the best me possible.  there is so much unfinished business with this emotional vacuum i've been living in tho, that it's only now beginning to make itself known on a conscious level.  i think, at my age, this is the first time i've felt accepted and safe enough to allow it to happen, to re-wire this brain so i can be more of who i've always wanted to be.  that's a long time of being unaware, confused, storing it up.  it hurts like crazy, but i believe it's part of the healing process, and it will continue to make things easier for me moving forward.

off to the porch for the rest of the weekend.  i need to rest from this.  it's a biggie.

[sanmagic7]

off the porch for a bit of a rant.  my ex called my d last nite, wanted her to hop on a plane today to help him cuz he's coming home from the hospital.  we live half a country away, while my other d lives in the same city as him.  dd (darling d) has terrible anxiety about traveling and changes, and this was all rush rush.  he's been in the hospital a week, has known about coming home, and he waited till the last minute.

grinds my gears.  i hate seeing her being put thru this, and ncd (for both of-----ack!  i can't even write!!!

needless to say, it was a rough nite last nite, on top of it being a rough day.  she's calmer now, has everything planned, and she'll be gone at least a week.  he does this kind of crap all the time, has ever since i've known him - relies on the strong women in his life to take care of things for him.  biggest coward i've ever known.

ok, enuff.  ugh.  back to the porch.   i hate this crapola.  but i feel better knowing she feels better.  i just can't tell her any of this stuff cuz only vitriol would come out of my mouth, and she doesn't need that.  so, i leave it here where it can't hurt either of us.  thanks.

[Three Roses]

   

[Deep Blue]

 

I'm gathering you up my dear in loving arms.  Hope  you were able to sleep.

I also feel anger at those who took advantage of you sweetie.

Kudos to you on getting that anger out here.  That's a good step in the process of letting some melt away

[sanmagic7]

3r, you hit those nails on the head and made me smile.  thanks for that.

db, i love the embrace.  thanks for the validation as well.  i appreciate it a lot.

to you both.

[Wattlebird]

I was so frustrated at ur ex, feel like ringing him myself and telling him what fore, of course I'd be to gutless but some part of me is cheering this idea, this behaviour has touched a sore spot, so I'm empathising big time, well done with refraining from saying all that to your d.