Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[Blueberry]

  I finally finished writing out why I think my disability needs to be extended for another few years, possibly for ever. I've been working on it on and off for a number of days and putting it off for weeks beforehand. I'm glad I've finally finished but writing it all out does stir things up a bit.

[Hope67]

  Blueberry - that is great that you finished writing it.  I know you mentioned that it's stirred things up a bit, so I hope that you are ok 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope    There's a nother document of that type that I ought to be writing. Sometime (soon).

I was away for a few days, partially doing some volunteer work for an association that I'm a member of and then on the way home I visited my godson overnight and was out and about with him this morning. Yesterday i played table soccer with him. I'd never played it before. It was quite difficult for me coordinating my two hands. I did get better at it though and even quite enjoyed it. My godson is really quite advanced for his age - he changed the rules to make it easier for me and agreed that I just needed practice and that I was getting better. This is so different from what I grew up with, and partially different from what runs in my head lots of the time. Way back in my subconscious I could feel how the treatment I got growing up put me off even trying activities like table soccer, but it wasn't front and centre. That's progress - being in the moment with just a little reminder of the past.

I feel as if there's a lot of stuff I ought to be doing but I'm not getting on with any. Yeah well, NTS "ought" doesn't work too well.

[Blueberry]

Depression is taking hold, I think. What I learned inpatient years ago was "Take your life... in your hands and live!" As in, it's up to me every day, or every hour if need be, to decide again and again for life and to live. Not because of SI because that's not the problem. The problem is depression (or is it maybe emotional numbness?). The result is the same - I go back to bed and I'm not caring for myself properly.

Even the knowledge that 4 Little Furries are coming to stay on Friday till the following Saturday doesn't really excite me. I remember when I was working with ICs a lot in therapy, then I felt my emotions more and I wanted more from life. Maybe I can do an IC long weekend in May but there remains the thing afterwards: it's up to me to keep going after the workshop.

Nobody can make me do that. I think doing that is taking responsibility for myself and 'being an adult'. I don't feel very good at that. But who if not me?

[Blueberry]

I've tidied a little and cleaned even less. Nobody would notice who came to my place, but I notice. I also went outside and ran a couple of errands. One of the errands put me in contact with a leaflet, so that was beneficial!

This leaflet has details of some municipal operation needing people for a few hours of work irregularly but paid. Need to get the courage to apply. It would be physical work but probably not too, too hard and it would be over when it was over, nothing to take home and ruminate on. Inquiring won't hurt anyway.

My status is changing in the country I live in due to political events elsewhere. For most people of my nationality that I know, it's not a big problem. For me, it's not a huuuuge problem, but it is a bit unsettling. I've been told by a lawyer no less that of course I'll get to stay here in spite of my diagnosis combined with not earning enough money, but I note having to write about why I should get to stay here - that's unsettling. It's reminding me of being viewed as a burden growing up. I've probably written this already in this Journal of mine and have not moved on from that yet.

It's probably my ICr who's telling me that the reasons I could give are all worthless. B1 is cropping up in my head.

[Blueberry]

Going through a very depressive phase. Get up for clients, go back to bed. I know these phases come and go but they always feel so interminable when I'm in them.

When I'm fighting for or against something, that energises me. Atm I can't be bothered to fight for myself and my future and ahem I don't have FOO to fight against anymore. I don't have a FOO either, it's just an empty spot. Getting back to fighting against FOO - I feel a bit like M who energised herself getting angry or a bit like F who was chronically depressive and had a lot of trouble getting up in the morning, just like me.

I could ask for another appointment with T though this isn't cptsd, it's just depression. Maybe I will ask though anyway. I feel as if I can't live without leaning on someone or getting energy from someone. I don't have the farm to go to atm. It's a good place for me. I suppose that's why I'm floundering a bit. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I know you're going through a very depressive phase, and I just wanted to send you a safe hug, if that's ok    I know you're considering asking for another appointment with your T - and whatever you decide, I hope that you are ok.  I can imagine that you miss the farm, it sounded like a positive place.  I know your fur babies are arriving soon, so I hope they will be some comfort to you.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope for your good wishes and 

I asked for and got a further appointment from my T. The fur babies are arriving tomorrow so at least that means I'll get out of bed and go outside and pick them some greens.

[Blueberry]

Hm. Idk how much I'm going to manage to write.

Something 'came up' today as in up to the surface. An image, part of a memory. I've had it before. I imagine it might be part of CSA but I'm not certain. I'd totally forgotten that days and/or weeks of depression and not getting out of bed or just going back to bed and not wanting to do anything constructive can all precede a memory resurfacing.

The good thing is that I'd forgotten about this preceding stuff, because that means I think that I haven't had a memory resurfacing for what seems like quite some time. I also don't feel floored by the memory. It was more of a relief that it came to the surface, as in "now that's come up, I can get back to real life". Maybe I'm more or less healed, the way Elphanigh is too? Elpha, if you happen to read this, don't take it on board. It's my issue, not yours. I was really genuinely happy for you when I read your news, but my ICr had a field day along the lines of "BB, if you only did more healing work on your own, you'd be through this too. You're so lazy just the way FOO used to say." And then I remembered some Ts and counsellors in the past saying that I expected other people to do my healing work for me, i.e. them. My present T has never said this, nor have the Ts whose group therapy long weekends I sometimes go to. Even if my present T thinks it might be part of my problem, he wouldn't say so, unless I brought it up. And then he'd only discuss it with me in a way that's likely to be beneficial. I think I may bring it up next week, unless writing it here does me enough good.

Part of the problem may be: What am I without my cptsd?
I've heard that question posed by survivors who were getting along in their healing and now I'm wondering it myself. Even just in my head, cptsd can or could function as an excuse for not getting on with things. Maybe I've got so used to pulling back when there's a little bit of anxiety in me that I'm not daring enough to move forward (enough)? I mean I do move forward and try out new things, and try again, but there are an awful lot of days in between when I don't. But maybe I could? I know the only answer there is to try out doing more and not theoretise about it.

NTS I also remembered today because I read it in one of my notebooks from 10+ years ago that going for a little wander outside in nature and watching the birds or some ducks on a pond or something simple like that can help me want to start living again.  (Hiding in bed isn't really living).
Reading in my old notebooks was a constructive, beneficial activity!

[Three Roses]

Huge, big, warm, tender, healing hugs to you, sweet blueberry. ❤

[Blueberry]

Thank you 3Roses 

I already feel better. I think writing all that out helped. Because right away I got on with a translation job I have. Then later this evening I went to a meeting of a lobby group whose lobby work is important to me. I came out energised   I do realise the work I do there doesn't pay the rent or anything but it's still something to live for, for me. I mean live as opposed to giving up and going back to bed.

[Blueberry]

Back to FOO nightmares. Not to mention sleeping during the day and being awake at night. This is my 5000 th post. And I still need OOTS as a place to post. Cringe. But it  is the way it is.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your posts within the community - and send you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope 

___________________________

It's late. But after a day of not getting on with much, I finally continued work on a present I'm making for somebody. I discovered while working on it why it's so difficult for me. To sum up: ICr. Plus a few other things I can't yet verbalise 

Then I decided to continue with a translation contract I'm working on. Strangely enough, I seem to be getting better at it again. I can concentrate for longer. I don't feel quite so much dread before getting going with it. I'm better at figuring out which bits it would make sense to do now and which bits would genuinely be better off being done tomorrow or even Monday. But at least I started today. I haven't put the whole thing off till Sunday evening. 

[Not Alone]

I did not accomplish much today either. Had to go to work for a few hours and cleaned one small area. I find I need quite a bit of time to just "be" or focus on cptsd when I am not having to function in the world. Glad you were able to get a start on your translation contract.

Bravo for figuring out why you were struggling with making the gift. I'm sorry it is difficult.