Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

[sanmagic7]

'defiance' is a good word, and as you said, can actually be healthy or harmful.  healthy defiance is when we are seeking what's best for us, while harmful defiance is simply a rebellion with little thought to the consequences, to my mind.

besides the age around 2, when we begin to move out of babyhood into childhood, the other time that comes to mind is teenage years.  definitely a time of defiance.  that's the time when we're moving out of childhood into adulthood, questioning parental authority, and working to determine what's right for us, what we want to do with/for ourselves, and what kind of people we want to be.  it's also a time of experimentation to see what might work for us and what doesn't.

so, maybe? it's a teenage bb who's gotten stuck in an unhealthy defiance.  i don't know - just some thoughts i've gleaned along the way that i wanted to pass on.  if they don't fit, just never mind them.    whatever, i thought it was good insight from your t.   sending love and hugs, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

I feel that the defiance for me is good. What I do with it is the problem. At the moment though for me the progress is calling this thing 'defiance' and not feeling I have to chastise myself for behaving like a 2-3 year old. afaik I didn't go through either phase properly. M always said her children were no problem during 'the terrible twos'. She's proud of that. But actually you're meant to go through a period of separation from your mother as you find out that you are a separate person. I don't think M accepts that I'm a really separate person from her even yet. If I even think about myself as a toddler saying "No" and/or having a meltdown, that feels very unsafe, very risky. That would have been punished big time. It probably was too once or twice and then that was enough. Going my own way is totally taboo in FOO. I finally realised that again a few years ago last time I had contact with everybody. They don't want me to individuate. If it still feels so risky to me as an adult, then no wonder it feels so unsafe for a little toddler.

Bit by bit I'm going through the individuation now.

Today I was thinking further on 'defiance' and how I feel physically strong and well-grounded when I think of being defiant. My T teaches me to feel how my body reacts to individual words or in individual situations. This is a really good physical reaction so I know this defiance I'm feeling in my body is healthy.

Due to feeling what's going on in my body, I suddenly remembered some therapeutic chanting I was doing at one of these retreats about a year ago: "when I'm strong, I have fists. When I sing, I'm strong. When I sing, I believe in myself. When I sing, I have fists." over and over again. I even automatically came up with a tune to sing it to. The T suggested I keep singing it for a while at home, which I did. Today I've started again. This all tells me that this 'defiance' is taking me somewhere, it's an important step!

[Blueberry]

Turned down a translation project with no regrets

Decided against applying for a spot on the "Get Off the Sofa" (and take more exercise / eat healthily) project since that would just be another act of me taking on too much and collapsing again.  Keeping going with step-by-step and seeing what impulses evolve into something semi-permanent rather than pushing myself in one single direction. I'm learning 

[Three Roses]

  Yay, you!

[Hope67]

  That is great, Blueberry - you set your boundaries there and you don't have regrets - that's so great. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

very impressive, bb.   

i think your insight about defiance is right on the mark.  we do have to go thru those phases, and when they're not allowed, we don't make mental/emotional progress about who we are as people and our place in the world.  your use of the term 'individuation' makes perfect sense to me.  if we're not able to do that, we get stuck.

so, i'm glad this feeling of defiance is working well for you.  you go, girl!  sending love and a hug full of encouragement.

[Sceal]

Glad you turned it down and that you are feeling good about it! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody. I have a big smile on my face after reading your posts.

_______________________________________
It will probably be beneficial to write this next bit down.

I was at a musical event a couple of hours ago. It was a come-and-go-as-you-please event. One way or another I got into conversation with my neighbour. The person a row in front asked us to talk more quietly, please. Fair enough. That involved this guy whispering in my ear and me in his.

Oh gee. I can feel the fear in my gut just thinking about and remembering it. I kind of froze. But also my guts were all buzzing (not in a positive way) and are again now too. And my mind too, that would be ICr I suppose saying: "There's no harm just sitting here; It's perfectly OK to talk to a man; What are you afraid of? You can end it if it gets too much; Just dare, this might be the man. Take a risk" etc etc. M and B1 both dropped by in my mind. I didn't freeze completely which is an improvement. It took a little while - I don't know how many minutes exactly - for me to say "Enjoy the rest of the evening" and get up and go to a different part of the venue where I could concentrate on the music and more particularly my breathing. It was only there that I noticed how stirred up I was in a bad way. Fear I suppose. I didn't want to feel into it.

So I just stood up and moved a bit to music (at home). Now I'm better grounded.

The sad effects of minor-seeming early childhood CSA by M, combined with physical abuse by B1 and my not being allowed to defend myself physically or verbally or individuate as a teenager or adult.

I'm not even remotely interested in sex. It's that bad. I just have always numbed out up till now. I mean so nothing more than maybe a hand touching my arm would happen and then I freeze. "not remotely interested" means "terrified" I suppose. But I think this man must have been sending some vibes for me to react like that. Otherwise when it's clear this is 'just a conversation' I don't have these sort of reactions any more.

[Three Roses]

Nothing to say except I hear you.  💞

[Blueberry]

Thank you. That means a lot.

[Wattlebird]

Hi bb, that's an icky feeling I know, maybe because you were whispering it triggered a more intimate feeling, it's good you were able to leave politely, I am often unintentionally rude in that situation, some subconscious reaction no doubt.
It's good you had the courage to talk though well done.

[Blueberry]

Hah! Yes, the whispering Also it was darkish though some of the interior walls were illuminated. It was pretty actually but probably triggering in the situation for some inner parts of me.

I tend to forget that the CSA started so early that I'm often triggered in situations where there's no rational connection. I posted that somewhere else on here that the fear of flying that I developed as an adult turned out connected to cSA. No firm ground underfoot in a plane (for obvious reasons) and metaphorically-speaking not for Little Blueberries either.

'Forget' probably means either my ICr is going on about "don't be so ridiculous" in my subconscious or other parts of me are blanking out rather than feel.

Interestingly enough, my T thinks I'll need further trauma therapy at a later date to deal with the CSA. He's retiring some time in the near future and I guess he's sceptical of me being ready to process the CSA before he retires. That's OK for me. I now know that healing happens when it happens. Other things are ready atm, more for change in the here and now, than for processing old stuff. Both aspects are important.

[Blueberry]

When my student didn't come this morning due to sickness, I went back to bed and stayed there most of the day, mostly sleeping. I suppose I needed it. Maybe. I can't find the energy to begin to do more constructive activities. Quite a lot of my professional work involves the computer or at least I do need to check my emails and write documents etc.

But then I go online and read non-helpful things such as the absolute shambles going on in the politics of one of my countries-of-origin. I'm kind of fascinated by the awfulness of it. And then incensed at the hypocrisy of it. But spending too long on the computer isn't especially good for me. Today I thought: "maybe I'm just lonely." I did have contact with friends in various contexts on the weekend and spoke briefly to an acquaintance today and will tonight too if I can bother myself to go to choir practice. I definitely should do that!

That's the other thing: allowing myself to use all my senses and allowing myself joy are essential to bring me back up out of depression. The way I zoom around on the computer / online only involves visual senses and nothing stimulating about that. No colours or interesting patterns to speak of, just letters, words, intellectual stuff.

In choir practice I feel my body and my breathing, I hear sounds and I make them. And I have friends there or just people I know. Knowing the choir members there will be at least a laugh or two. And singing does me good. Repeating the words of God in song do me good too, even though I don't feel very religious. So I will go.

Tomorrow's a long day. I have 4 students, one of whom is coming for a double lesson and I also have a doc appointment. I haven't done any prep for my students. That was slated for today.

[Blueberry]

I feel a bit better back on track today. When my morning student cancelled I went back to bed again. That wasn't particularly helpful or necessary. Nonetheless I did some useful things this afternoon including work and I managed it all fairly well. At least the one on one work with my clients. I still need to do a bit of work on the computer without my clients around. But at least I managed while they were here

I suppose I maybe got off track the past few days because of the incident at the musical event? I certainly haven't done any further work on a whole list of things since then. 

Today I had my last appointment with one of my docs, who functioned a bit like a psychiatrist. He's retiring next week. Although his practice is being taken over by somebody else, who he and his partner sort of chose, still that will be a change for me too. Somebody to check out and see - how much does the new one understand about trauma especially the complex variety? Are appointments helpful? Or do they put me under more pressure than I put myself under? Things like that. Probably I was feeling better this afternoon because I went to my doc appointment. He tended to have that effect on me. And man, did I ever have to look a long time for a psychiatrist or similar in my general region who was helpful to me!

Tomorrow I have a T appointment. I haven't done the work I was going to do: write a draft letter to B2. My mind (or my soul??) felt more or less ready for that when I asked T for an appointment but it hasn't worked out exactly. Maybe because of the incident at the musical event? That kind of freezing tends to throw me off. I have numb brain. I could try a letter to B2 on Recovery Letters though. Might get me a bit further. Maybe one to B1 too, though that wasn't planned.

Funnily enough or strangely enough, last time in T i told him about how I'd reacted to the latest missive from my parents and what I'd written to them. I decided even before my T appointment that it hadn't been the best idea, more like throwing myself under the bus as usual, though not quite as badly as usual. My T reminded me that it's OK to change my mind and tell my parents that. But when i checked in my Sent emails, I discovered I'd not written it at all. Maybe I'd intended to? Maybe I dreamt that I'd written it? Idk.

[Blueberry]

On another thread of mine I found this: "My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. " That's what is going on atm. I'm blocking emotions that have come up re: FOO in last little while as well as whatever got frozen during musical event incident. And then I block 'other stuff' like the will to continue taking steps forward and that kind of thing.