Tired of These Issues (Possible triggers)

[Phoebes]

Hi, Everyone,

I'm so grateful to find this board. I only within the last year recognized that this is my experience, rather than simply severe depression, anxiety and the occasional suicidal thoughts. I've read Pete Walker's first book, and part of the second one.

I grew up with a heavy duty BPD mom, although undiagnosed. She has never set foot in therapy (that is for weak people). She was verbally, emotionally, and physically very abusive, for starters. I was not allowed a thought or feeling, to show emotions, to be myself, wear my choice of clothes, close my door, go to or have sleepovers, or do activities I wanted to do. I was often slapped or whipped for reasons of which I did not know, or for having a "look". Currently, she is just manipulative, intrusive, has no boundaries, critical, and gets her jabs in whenever she can. I am very LC, and the only reason not NC, is I have a young niece and nephew involved who I feel that would complicate and alienate myself from them.

Dad was in the home but very passive and mostly absent. We had a talk recently and he claims he never realized she was abusive, although I specifically remember him being there, watching, and doing nothing. He is now, in his second marriage, off the charts NPD, but that is another story.

The way this effects me now is I am middle aged, depressed, very insecure, and love people who don't love me back. I can easily have an anxiety attack over something benign when it pertains to these people. In my twenties, I blew past my issues with constant involvement in travel, absorbing myself in work and partying. Now, I am exhausted of all of that, work from home, am broke, have no relationship, and fight depression. I feel myself spiraling more and more into isolation because it's just more comfortable. I don't really want to be this way, and I am sure many others don't see me this way(my older friends), but I feel a bit out of control of my depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. I also am compelled to drink and fight this a lot.

I feel like C-PTSD describes me perfectly. I am hoping to gain some skills in this area. I have spent some time in therapy, in recovery, reading, researching, etc etc.. I feel as though I should have a handle on this by now. I am also working on DBT activities on my own and trying to work on these things, but at the same time, I encounter triggers with my mom(minimal contact), my dad and family members who don't understand why I have withdrawn more and more. I feel like I am pushing current friends away inadvertently, spiraling out of control.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Phoebes     I was in a similar place about this time last year, very isolated, drinking heavily to numb big time anxiety attacks and depression.  I have never been one to reach out for help, but I finally got so low I had to.  I saw a psychiatrist, an addictions counsellor, changed  medications, posted alot at our sister site Out of the Fog and then here, and went NC/LC with my FOO.  It all helped and I'm so glad looking back that I did get help finally. Anyway, I hope you can take heart in the fact that I do not drink at all any more, am back to work, my anxiety and depression are under control, and I am making headway in recovering from CPTSD.

I wouldn't beat yourself up for not having a handle on your CPTSD, there are so many layers of trauma that what seems to be needed for most of us is a slow peeling away of each layer, figuring out what triggers us and what to do about that, learning to take care of ourselves in healthier ways - like most things, these just take time.   

You may or may not be ready for this but we have just started a recovery group in which we are working together through the workbook "Adult Survivors of Child Abuse."  http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=76.0  Members can join up until the end of Week 2 so perhaps have a look and see what you think.  If you're not ready for that just yet, there will be another group after this one or at least that's the plan right now.  Beyond that, have a read through the forums and post wherever you're comfortable - you'll find members get it -- CPTSD that is, and that helps a lot. 

Glad you found your way here to us 

[Trees]

Welcome, Phoebes.  That mother of yours sounds like a doozy!   I am glad you found this site.  It is a good safe place.         Trees

[Phoebes]

Thanks so much to you both! I am going to look through this material..I really appreciate the encouraging words and experiences. I'm looking forward to making some progress here! I'm sorry other people have to go through this too, but it's a purpose for us--the ability to understand others with similar experiences. I can't think of any other reason why we would have to.