A form of regression

[Blueberry]

I tend to leap into arguments, where other people might and do hold back for a while. This is a form of regression for me because I allow myself to be provoked into an argument. 

It's progress to realise this! Because in FOO when I was growing up and later, there was nothing to beat getting into a verbal discourse, shooting holes in everybody else's arguments, proving them wrong, and being pretty aggressive about it. I suffered terribly as a child and teenager in this atmosphere.  I suffered by what all I heard, I suffered tons of putdowns about my intelligence, my ability to be logical and rational I suffered in the general heated atmosphere and the lack of love and acceptance. I suffered in my attempts to join in. I joined in because that was conversation at home in FOO and I wanted to feel part of my family.

For other people they might well be progress for all I know, but for me: regression. Because I come away feeling bad, come away feeling all churned up inside and as if I wasn't able to argue well enough or clearly enough. And worse, I want to send the person an email proving my point correctly and logically where I didn't manage in a conversational setting.

NTS: Don't write or send those emails!  to self, that's what I need. Self-acceptance. You're good the way you are, you don't have to be perfect.

[Rainagain]

Reminds me of the prayer or saying:

Give me the strength to change the things I can change, the patience to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.

The cleverest people I know do not argue at length, they state their view with brief reasons and mentally move on.

I think they do that because they understand that few people will change their mind about anything just because someone disagrees, human nature tends to create conflict where there is dissent or disagreement.

[Blueberry]

I'm not very clever then...  No, I shouldn'T say that because in my case it's a regression to do with trauma not lack of intelligence. I get triggered and end up trying to argue a case, instead of switching off and maybe doing some meditation or deep-breathing or something.  that would throw them off - Blueberry closes eyes and meditates while they rant on.

Just been formulating an email answer to a couple of people after I saw an article online proving my point, so regressing again. Haven't sent it yet, that's probably good. 

[Blueberry]

As Ts used to say in the past: "Good that you wrote it but don't send it!" My mind is now blank. Which shows me that it really is a hard subject for me. There really is trauma behind it. For that reason it's even more important that i protect myself and don't send the letter!

For dealing with criticism, which is something I get annoyed and angry about and which also triggers me - no wonder the amount of it I suffered in FOO - I used to make use of an exercise in Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way. As more and more came up from the past and I got more and more triggered and retraumatised, I couldn't use this method, but now I'm thinking it might be good to go back to it.

You write down what bothers you about the criticism, and then what (if anything) is useful. Then do something very nurturing for your soul e.g. read or remember something very positive somebody said about you. Then note that even if you made a very dumb mistake or regressed again, it was an important step, necessary for your overall healing and progress. Then look at the criticism again and see / feel whether it reminds you of criticism from your past, particularly of shaming criticism from your childhood. Know that this criticism from today is reminding you of grief and sadness from this old wound from the past. (This is the part I couldn't do for a very long time - that would be because of CPTSD - now I'm willing to try again.) Write a letter to the person / institution who has criticised you now. Defend your action / decision / work  (whatever was criticised) but also note if there was anything useful in the criticism. You will probably not send the letter!

Then - this is the essential part - make a decision to do something creative! That can simply be colouring in, it could also be humming or singing to a CD, going to see a play at the theatre, making a scrapbook, doing something fun and creative with an IC or ITeen. Then do it right away! Don't wait.

This used to work for me and I think I'll try it again.

[Rainagain]

Hey,

I wasn't saying you aren't clever, just that I notice how healthy people behave.

The ones I notice are the ones that get where they want to be without fights, anger or conflict, they just get where they are going without drama.

The only trick I have learnt is not to respond immediately to things that provoke me, I will leave an email reply for 24 hrs to give my brain time to settle.

Often my instinctual knee jerk response seems out of proportion the next day, sometimes I won't feel I need to respond at all.

The need to retaliate is driven by cptsd, I feel it a lot.

[Blueberry]

I wasn't saying you aren't clever, just that I notice how healthy people behave.

Sorry, I should have put in a  I wasn't being too serious.

The need to retaliate is driven by cptsd, I feel it a lot.

It's good to not feel alone in this, even though I obviously need to do work on not retaliating. I often need to leave an email reply for a few days to realise I shouldn't retaliate. That's quite new. My T used to have to tell me: "Good that you wrote it, but don't send."