Seashell’s Recovery Journal

[Seashell]

Recovery - is it possible for me? I hope so... I'm 31 years old but I feel (and often act) like a child. A child that is so scared, angry and sad. I don't know where to put myself. I don't know who I am or what I want my life to look like. After spending all these years looking to others (mainly my FOO) for answers about how to act and how to live I am confused, overwhelmed and devastated.

While I realize I am not alone in this journey I often get surges of emotion that try to convince me otherwise. I also keep yearning for a quick and easy solution. And at the same time it seems I'm attached to the discomfort and discontent that has been my reality from all the emotional abuse since birth.

I try to remind myself that I'm going through all of this for a reason. Perhaps I will share my experiences to help others in ways I haven't even imagined yet. For today, I will focus on learning ways to be a loving supportive parent to myself. I'm scared but I know I need to start showing up for myself consistently to the best of my ability.

[sanmagic7]

that sounds like a great place to start, seashell.  self-care is core to healing from this beast.

at 31, i believe you have a very good shot at getting thru this and out the other side a much healthier, happier person.  no quick fixes, i'm afraid, but perseverance, determination, patience, diligence, hard work, and support from here will all help you make it thru.

there will be up and down days, but eventually they'll become smoother, more easily recognized for what they are, they'll last shorter amounts of time, and they'll happen less often.  give yourself time, be as good to yourself as possible while going thru the process, and i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to go.

sending love and a hug, if that's ok with you.

[kdke]

I'm with San in agreeing that you just have to try your best and keep on trying. Recovery is a road full of twists and turns, but the destination and progression towards it are always there.

I've really found my place in this subforum and I hope your journal becomes a place of security and support for you. Making changes after years of living a specific perception of who one is in the world isn't easy; just remember that this process will take time, and feelings of frustration are a part of the process.

I won't lie and not disclose that you might ask yourself, "Is this even possible for me?" But even that kind of question is a part of this path, too. If anything, asking yourself that in the first place shows introspection and the willingness to challenge old ways of thinking.

I'm 31, too, and I'm over a year into therapy. It's been tough and I have had my own experiences wondering if I could ever change. Let me tell you: change happens right under your nose. It may seem nothing to you, but those who care about you will notice and will celebrate your victories! I really think as you continue to post in your journal, Seashell, this forum may be that very community that will celebrate your achievements. Best wishes and keep us updated on your journey~

[Seashell]

Thanks sanmagic7 and kdke. I appreciate your replies as I learn to step onto this path of recovery.

[Seashell]

**** TW regarding suicide ****

Today is a challenging day. It is the 5th anniversary of my mother's death. She died by suicide after spending the majority of her life in depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, BPD? The diagnoses never really stuck but looking back on some of her behavior it seems cPTSD was likely plaguing her too.

My relationship with my mother was complicated. At times we were close (or as close as she could allow us to be), while other times I had to go NC with her because she could emotionally destroy me with a 5 minute phone call despite my attempts to self soothe and stand up for myself.

I've heard people often feel guilty after someone dies particularly when the death is by suicide. I've been working on my guilt for 5 years now. At the time of her death I was NC with her. I didn't even hug her or talk to her the last time I saw her at a family dinner a couple weeks before her death. Now don't get me wrong, she did things that hurt me badly but at the same time I am just now realizing I did things to hurt her too. Her side of the family is incredibly manipulative and to survive my childhood I learned to be manipulative too. This is a scary truth I've been running away from for a while now.

The thing is I can't keep running away from the truth. And oh how I've tried. My FOO is full of escapism and avoidance strategies. I've tried to tow the line and follow all of the family's dysfunctional ways but in doing so I've hurt myself and others.

The part that's really getting to me is this - my stakes are high. Meaning escaping and avoiding isn't going to "work" for much longer. Recently I've collapsed for the 5th time in my life and I'm very aware that what I've been doing isn't working and yet the fear to try something else is paralyzing.

I didn't know I had cPTSD until a few weeks ago. I think I'm still in shock about that and I'm definitely still trying to grasp what it all means...

[Libby183]

Hi Seashell.

I just wanted to say hello, and that I was really touched by your posts, particularly with regards to your mother.  I am at a very similar place to you, albeit my mother is still alive, I imagine,  but I am so totally NC with my FOO that I don't know for sure.

Through therapy,  I came to realise that my mother was very damaged and that her damaging me started at day one of my life. We then proceeded to hurt each other at every turn.  Nothing we could ever say or do to each other could ever be right.  Up until recently,  I thought it was "all her"!

It has been an awful realisation,  but I think we must hang on to the reality that it wasn't our fault (even if it wasn't the fault of our mothers, either).  Accepting this has been really hard on me but I have done it. Now I am trying to find a new way of being and that is tough as well.

I am about twenty years older than you and feel I have left it too late, but my husband is very positive about my new self awareness,  and has really stepped up to help me with all of this, despite what he has had to cope with for years.

So, I just wanted to say that I understand and encourage you to keep on with new approaches,  because,  as you said, the old ones weren't working.

Good luck to you, and I am standing beside you all the way.

Libby.

[Seashell]

Hello Libby and thanks!  My husband keeps reminding me it's never too late for anyone to change and to take things one day at a time.  Just some helpful reminders for all of us.

I want to write more but my thoughts aren't coming together at the moment.  I'll be back when they are more cohesive.

[kdke]

Hello Seashell. It's good to see you writing some more!

I wanted to say, the fact that you can acknowledge your actions have an impact means that you're gaining a great amount of self-awareness. That's a victory you should be proud of, and a door that you can keep pushing open into a world where you can start to fully know yourself. So many people can go their whole lives without really understanding who they are, nor have the interest in ever knowing. That's a huge loss for them, so please be happy with the progress you've made.

I also wanted to voice my thoughts on what you said about using manipulation to survive your childhood. Something I came to understand about being a child in an abusive environment is this: a child sometimes has to learn to play the game in order to survive. It's not a matter of seeing the child as good or bad; they can only know what they are taught, after all. A child will adopt certain defense mechanisms in order to please their caregivers, so they could possibly avoid punishment. As adults, these children might feel incredibly ashamed of their defense mechanisms and not know how to be rid of them. They see that outside of their childhood environment, what helped them survive so many years ago is now hindering them and their relationships.

Give yourself time and compassion. I'm only a layperson, but I wanted to share with you my understanding to show you that there is nothing bad about the child you. Little Seashell just wanted to keep going forward, and now here you are--alive and ready to face a new day. It wasn't a perfect past, but it was a past where you saved your life! Your defense mechanisms served you then, and now you can work to let them go. We're here for you~ 

[Seashell]

Well it has been a while since I've been on here. It feels good to be back. Kdke - Thanks for your thoughts and words of encouragement.

Today I was cutting the grass when a panic attack came over me out of nowhere. I continued to cut the grass by breathing through the experience but I have no idea what triggered it.

I'm having a difficult time because it seems like everything triggers me. Sometimes I know what the trigger is about and other times I'm completely left in the dark with no knowledge as to why the anxiety has increased. Even when I am aware of the trigger my thoughts can ruminate and turn negative very quickly.

I've also come to realize I've been numbing myself and dissociating so much to make it through life. So much numbing and dissociation that I'm struggling to find ways to deal with life on life's terms.

I'm going to keep trying to figure this whole thing out. I just wanted to check in.

[Seashell]

Hello BeHea1thy,

Thank you kindly for your response and words of encouragement. Very relevant indeed.

The validation of realizing the memory will never go away is helpful too.

Thanks again!
Seashell

[Sceal]

Hi Seashell,
I just wanted to pop by and say hello. I really enjoy the name you chose.
And I also wanted to say that I too am 31 and are trying to figure out if it is possible to get in control of cPTSD and find a way in life that holds meaning and have enjoyment.
I hope that you step by step will be able to work through your past and create a story that belongs wholly to you that you want to embrace.