not moving out after all

[tea-the-artist]

today I decided I won't be moving. i talked to my brother (who is 30) yesterday trying my hardest not to drasticize it and think about the best case scenario, but it blew up in my face. he yelled and was so angry with me and exasperated and despite me saying nothing's going to change if someone doesn't make any change, none of it mattered. he vented and screamed about how the consequences would effect him so negatively since our F is a narcissist and emotionally abusive and overall controlling and hotheaded.

even in the end he said he didn't care if i told F. he's tired of stress always falling onto him because of his disability and lack of access to just getting away like i can. at one point he'd said "if I can get a job by the end of the year, would you rather move out then than now?" but i didn't answer that.

i guess if i didnt believe it before, i now know he truly doesn't care about me. because at least i have the outlet to see friends and he doesnt. but now all of my work just doesn't matter. i dont even want to see my friends who were offering me a space to move out I'm so ashamed of myself.

this morning i asked my boss if it was too late to take back that I wouldn't be working the fall semester and but she said it wasn't so at least i still have a job.

none of the things i said in my journal or other places ive tried to build some sense of self worth just is gone. it doesn't even matter honestly, especially considering i wanted to move out with only $300 to my name which isnt practical at all

[sanmagic7]

tea, i feel for you.  i really do.  being guilted into doing something you don't want to do is a manipulation that works way too often.

i had that happen to me with my narc daughter, many times over.  the latest, before i went nc with her, was that when i was around (i lived in mex. at the time, had come to the states to take care of her thru a long recovery) the neg. things with her father weren't so bad.  in the next sentence, she hastened to add 'he adores you.  i just don't get it'.  talk about a backhanded plea for help.

i resisted - these guilt trips had happened many times before, and they were always to further her own agenda.  when she was 14, she tried to guilt me into not returning to college. 'what if we need you?  we can't get hold of you there.'  she also told me that i was too old to go back to school.  there were a variety of manipulations used.  i went anyway.  her father was a phone call away.

i'm sorry this blew up in your face.  if staying is what you feel is best for you, then that's what you must do.  i support your decision, no matter what.   it you need/want more buildup at a later date to try again to move out, i'll be happy to give that to you.  just keep taking care of you as best you can.  big hug.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks for the support sanmagic7. i really needed that. at this point im unsure when i'll ever move out. the prospect of independence doesn't seem to be realistic

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about that, tea. It sounds like you're going through some pretty hard stuff. Wishing you all the best.

[tea-the-artist]

thanks aphoticatrametous i'm still working to at least remember i've been able to survive every day up to now, so i'll have to keep going for some time. i'm sure i'll get there!