What do you think? Am I dissociating, I don't know?

[judithherman]

I've been reading Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery..truly an amazing book. I was motivated to start reading it because I'm completing entrance exams for post graduate medicine.
I was diagnosed with bulimia, PTSD, depression and anxiety. However, it is my personal opinion that I have C-PTSD because I was abused up to the age of 12 by my mother (alcoholic and something else is wrong with her)
Anyway,
this thing about dissociation. Two things.
1. I can engage in conversation or listen to someone speak and respond accordingly...or do things as they should be done it seems and not remember or do it consciously. For example I was having a conversation with someone and the whole time thinking about something else and totally out of it, it was so difficult. Then someone....I don't know how I said something about this guys grandfather..that I..didn't actually know until it came out of my mouth and I felt really dumbfounded as to how I knew that and hoped to god that it was right. It was correct...
This happens a lot I think but not as obviously. When I was at school I could never remember certain things happening, like being spoken to in a group I can't seem to concentrate on the words.
2. I often get exhausted..mentally. Especially around people. I find that I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet...and make sure I completely go to the toilet but I think this has actually been me going to the bathroom to "dissociate" for a bit.

Is this even possible?
Let me know what you think.

[mourningdove]

It sounds to me like it could be dissociation, especially from what you wrote in (1).

[movementforthebetter]

I relate to what you have written very much. I do think you have likely been dissociating. I only recently realized I was doing it and what it was called, too.

At work people would give me long and complex verbal instructions and I would forget them immediately. I had to carry pen and paper everywhere and write everything down. It turned out that's my key to coping with work/school dissociation, and I got lucky and realized it on my own. I find it extremely hard to just focus on words. I am a kinesthetic learner so writing everything down helps me learn by doing plus keeps me grounded more in the present. Spaceouts like you described still happen, though.

Regarding no. 1, I think that you must be high functioning because you can carry on a conversation while dissociating. Plus you are almost a post grad in medicine! That's a major achievement while saddled with cptsd.

Regarding no. 2, bathroom breaks are honestly my salvation. I don't think it's dissociating so much in that case as it is giving yourself a break from overstimulation. Maybe if you are going too much or for too long it could be. I didn't know at the time but now that I do I would like to use stall time to take some deep breaths. Maybe that could help you as well.

Good luck with your entrance exams if you haven't already taken them!

[Helen]

I used bathroom breaks to regulate, to breathe, to regroup or to bring me back.