Birthday coming up. Bleh.

[Dutch Uncle]

Yesterday I got a small letter from my dad. Since my birthday is coming up in the next month, he wants to meet me that day.
My automatic thought was: "Fine."

But it isn't.
I already had decided I will quit celebrating my birthday, in the way I have been doing so far. For a variety of reasons, but the main one is: I simply don't feel like it anymore.
I had already decided I would tell the handful of friends who often attend my birthday I won't be home anymore on that day, that I don't celebrate it anymore.
Last year I already told my 'mom' that I didn't want her to visit me, but told the white lie I wouldn't celebrate it at all. But I was home, that year. I met dad the weekend after.

"What would you like for a present?" my dad asked. He always asks. Never comes up with anything himself. Which is not a problem in itself, but not without meaning I'd say.
After a few beers yesterday I wrote down in my notebook: "As a present I would like to have an assurance that you won't have DramaSis, your anything-but-ex ex-wife, my brother or anyone else in tow when we meet."
Which really would be a present after the stunt he and DramaSis pulled on me on his birthday. Good Grief. That it has come to this... 
I don't trust the man anymore, that much is sure. I probably could hardly ever trust him before that either, yet I did. Not anymore. That's the major difference nowadays.

So I'll have to write him he's not welcome, since I have quit celebrating my birthday. Forever. <--- that's a white lie as well: I simply don't know if it will be forever. It's true in a way though: I have no idea if, when or how I will celebrate any of my future birthdays.

I have a strong feeling this year's birthday is a sort of watershed. The old birthdays are gone, and what the future will bring is unknown. But this year has to the clean cut between past and future.

The automatic "Fine, dad" is obligation. And I have felt obliged long enough to entertain my parents on my birthday. It never was much fun with them...

I bet my refusal to entertain dad will have some fallout. 
Bleh.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes Dutch uncle we do what we need to do to stay 'well'...
Disappointment and determination seem companions we know well ..
It's that mix I find of when an occasion is meant to be joyous and happy and it is laced with the toxins of what we know so well ...
And for this day we manage to find some more strength to hold our head up, pull up our boots straps find some pride where there often seems little and look straight ahead with hope --
Celebrate in the knowledge that through the sadness comes the real vision that a little bit more beauty is reclaimed

[Dutch Uncle]

Celebrate in the knowledge that through the sadness comes the real vision that a little bit more beauty is reclaimed

Thank you.