Feeling tons better, a tad sad, with optimism and a sense who I am.

[EmoVulcan]

 
I always feel that I have missed something.  There were some very good messages given to me from my family.  Things like "knowledge is power". Lifeline one: a path to personal power.  I am a data sponge, analytical, and truth seeker, the evidence, not what is conjecture.
" question aurhority, and often?". Lifeline 2: morphed into question everything, often, including self. Self doubt, is this really what it says it is, or something else
Yes this did become sticky. The self questioning was brutal, as honest as I could come  to the current level of self perception was situated, and when completely lost in irrationality, climb into the Vulcan, who increasingly was overdue on pon farr.
When that became problematic, I fell into the victim trap. 
The first time I heard victim mentality hung over my head, I thought, 'of course I have a victim mentality, I am a victim.". Compartmentalized thinking relegated the interpretation to was a victim...childhood.  Am a victim, as every one I spent time on were victims, too.  I now must think they were unaware, even as they quite clearly relayed chidhood tramas of their own.  My first husbands mom was uN, and I suffered at her hands as well.
So, I was still in abuse. And in some aspects could not puzzle this picture out, why no one could see what I was seeing.. And the worst thing, my inner, guiless, naive child, wholly hurting from the ultimate rejection, the right to live and grow up naive and gullible was always the outer me.  Pure, unconditional love trying to give it away to any who would simply return the favor. The object of transference, no one can look at without feeling guilt, and I always felt the guilt of my abusers..not understanding that has held back my recovery. And remained guiless and naive for so very long.  I need to identify who owns the things I feel, or determine if they are mine that have been triggered, by what means.  I understand people attack people over triggers..and we effectively are walking triggers for almost everyone.  But, I have compassion for everyone, and love for all of you. We truly are sane   in an insane world.