The Protective Function of My Anger

[Gently]

Writing in my journal this morning about this part of me, the adult part of me, that wants to be powerful and free to choose to do what I want to do. What I want to do is to be able to bring myself into the presence of my Adoptive Mother on my own terms, to face her. I want this. There is a want in me to be able to do this.

The vulnerable and hurt parts of me have correctly warned me against doing such a thing. They are afraid, and rightly so. They are afraid of, once again, becoming powerless, person-less, erased, falling into a false reality that Mother insists on. They are right, that is the risk, the very real risk. Taking care of these parts means I have to stay away from being triggered into old patterns of self-betrayal and the abdication of my personal agency. It means staying away from Mother.

Because I go to her soft, I go to her in hope and in fantasy, I go to her wanting and fawning and placating and pleasing and performing and trying to look like a certain type of daughter with a certain type of Mother. I don't go angry. I never go angry.

As I wrote in my journal about this, I felt the anger about the injustice of being in this situation, of the things that happened to me to result in being in this situation. I feel it now, I feel my facial expression, the revulsion of my furrowed brow, the disgust of the slight snarl in my upper lip, the challenging and deeply protective gaze in my eyes towards any threat to my tender self and my wellbeing.

I need this anger. While I allow this healthy anger to be present in my body, I can feel those previously scared parts calm down, settle, relax. They sit back, exhale, actually feel "chill".

I need this anger to prevent me from going into fawn mode and desperation for love that is not there.

That is the real threat. My Mother is old and frail and in hospital. I have every power over my own life and the decisions I make. She can't actually hurt me anymore.

The real threat is that I will loose myself. And I have lost myself. I have yet to not loose myself after putting myself in her presence.

I don't want to loose myself again. That is not negotiable.

I also want to feel powerful enough to follow an adult impulse to face her, to see her.

Anger, righteous, healthy anger is protective. I feel its protection, my system feels its protection.

This anger is FOR ME. This anger is protective.

Maybe I don't go to see her after all, maybe I do. I don't know. I do know that I need to protect myself, and this anger makes the vulnerable parts of me feel safe.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Gently,

I haven't really found anger yet - or at least very little (and my therapists keep telling me this will likely change).

But I really hear you on losing yourself after being in your mother's presence. I'm still fawning too ... and for now, I'm trying to make some peace with it, because it feels like the better of two difficult options in an impossible situation.

What shifted for me recently was the awareness. It made me cry very hard when I told my CBT therapist that "considering the options, I rather choose self-erasure." Saying that out loud felt ... very real and sad. I think I still have a long way to go.

What you wrote about anger being protective, and helping those vulnerable parts settle, really resonated with me - even if I'm not quite there yet myself.

Thank you for sharing this. 💛

[Gently]

What shifted for me recently was the awareness. It made me cry very hard when I told my CBT therapist that "considering the options, I rather choose self-erasure." Saying that out loud felt ... very real and sad

Awareness... crying very hard.... reality.... deep sadness

Good, good work.

And good, good grief.

I'm so sorry. It hurts so, so much.

You're doing exactly what you need to be doing at the time you are doing it.

Stay with yourself 

[Gently]

This is what I drew when I found my anger, in case an image helps others...