Starting my journal

[HannahOne]

Congratulations! I was so thrilled for you to read that you were pregnant! How wonderful!

I found the rise in progesterone did make me feel more cozy. Calmer. And, it's likely that as you are feeling more clear about your boundaries and what you are keeping in and out, you may feel more relaxed and connected to your environment, feel safer. It must be amazing to feel like you know who you are taking with you to meet the outside world! What's it feel like? I can't really imagine that but it sounds really yummy.

[holidayay]

I've been struggling to sleep recently. It could be pregnancy hormones. Or the CPTSD. Or a mix, who knows. I can definitely feel an element of insomnia that is different to the sleep disturbances I get due to trauma. Usually I don't have a problem falling asleep; its the nightmares that get me. But now, my brain just doesn't seem to want to enter sleep at all. I finally did after a few hours tossing and turning and then....I had nightmares. Fast paced slides - or reels. Where I am put in impossible situations and I am trying to figure out how to survive, and protect the vulnerable alongside me. Pretty metaphorical for my childhood. Its like my amygdala is on fire, constantly stimulated. I have wondered as a doctor, if I was to do an MRI of my brain, would my amygdala/limbic system just light up in an extremely radioactive-like manner because it just seems so consistently active. The scenarios in my dreams that set my flight-or-fight mode to active are wild. Being held hostage with a whole crowd of people, and the people holding us captive telling us their leader doesn't like any sort of movement at all, as if we are all expected to have no needs at all. Which is exactly how my mum treated us day in, day out. Our needs were completely inconvenient and aggravating for her. She made it abundantly clear.

What a horrible waste, to ruin your children's brain chemistry because of your selfish, cruel nature. It upsets me that now I have this amygdala that seems broken and just doesn't calm down, no matter how often I try to comfort myself that I am safe, no matter how many therapy sessions I have. One time I told my mum about my nightmares, my sleep disturbances, my constant fears. In typical fashion, she blamed me and said it was due to my heathen ways and used disturbing religious imagery to shift blame back to me. I didn't bother trying to reason after this, it is utterly hopeless with her.
And that's the most cruel lesson these people teach us. They teach our growing minds that it is hopeless. Again and again and again. The brain just doesn't seem to do well with this; I don't think it is made to handle feeling so hopeless so often and for such regular, even trivial matters every single day - as you would get with a narcissistic person.
They tell on themselves. My mum told me I am a bad person, with the devil in me, causing my bad dreams.
Its her who is the bad person with devilish behaviour. Projective indentification, they call it.

I just wish I could feel safe tonight. After I woke up from my bad dreams, I've been at a loss as to what to do. Its still nighttime and I'm too tired and fearful to do anything. I don't know how to feel comfort. I don't ever remember receiving it as a child. And now, trying to learn it, feels so difficult.

[HannahOne]

I'm so sorry to read your mother told you such lies when you were a small child and even as an adult. No child is at fault for their emotions, or for having needs. Having feelings and needs are part of being a human being! Your mother's treatment of you sounds inhumane.

Your brain is not ruined, your brain was smart---Learned helplessness is a phenomenon mammals experience when a situation is hopeless. It helps the creature survive by not wasting resources on a hopeless situation. The mammal shuts down and conserves energy. Part of CPTSD is shame, feeling ruined. I feel that too often.

[holidayay]

Thank you HannahOne, I haven't thought of learned helplessness like that but that seems wise.
The shame is awful, just horrible.

I had a few successes this week.
The pregnancy symptoms (+/- mix of cptsd?) became a little bit overwhelming a few days ago so I reached out to a friend from work, and booked an emergency therapy session for some extra support. Both helped so much, I felt so much better and hopeful and also, have new resources recommended to me that I ordered (some workbooks). I then went into work the next day and had such a wonderful shift. I felt more hopeful, and was working with some of the kindest people that shift, and it really helped to boost me up and feel safety in others again, and hopeful. I had some strength after that to cope with the insomnia, and do more self care, which I had stopped doing when I was in the trenches. I was going on more walks too.

Then today happened. I got up out of bed after another night of difficulty sleeping, but felt upbeat and proactive about going for a calming walk. As I got changed, I received a few messages from a friend of mine. Let's call her L. She had been someone who I had had some discussions with about pregnancy when I first found out I was pregnant this time. I was nervous due to previous losses and was anxious so I confided in her that I kept ruminating over possible losses, and she, being usually secretive, opened upto about her own miscarriage and also about guilt she felt from an abortion she had a few years ago that I had no idea about. We had had long discussions about pregnancy since then and I had asked her if me sharing my news with her was triggering given what she had shared and she had insisted it wasn't and wanted to know more details about my pregnancy.

Fast forward to today. L had asked me how I was feeling and I told her I was feeling positive, and that having support from my friend at work and my therapist had done me good. My friend from work had really comforted me by telling me that lots of women experience first trimester symptoms, and that she had really struggled in hers and it was normal and to be kind to myself.
L sent me messages today expressing her disbelief in any sort of negative pregnancy symptoms. She stated that she doesn't believe they exist, and that whatever experiences of difficulties my friend from work had shared with me were not related to pregnancy and were 'pre-existing' and that for her, she would only be happy and grateful if she was pregnant and that I was choosing to be in a negative place and just complain, and that she would be taking a step back from me. She also said she found it jarring and insensitive and expected more from me given her experiences - something I had asked her outright if it was triggering and she had insisted it wasn't and insisted on asking me questions and wanting to be involved.

I felt like a part came up reading this message and I burst into tears and my heart started pounding. I was so shocked at her invalidation, not least because we both work in the medical field. I felt like I was going to faint, and that I had been so stupid to believe I could confide in others, and old feelings of self-worth and shame came rushing up. After some hours passed, I calmed down and could see that her message was likely due to her own complex feelings related to her previous pregnancies experiences, and her current wish to get pregnant.
But, it hit something in me. This friend is someone from my past, who was friends with my sister, who I'd seen red flags pop up that I just brushed to the side. I've had issues with boundaries with her, namely in that I felt I wasn't allowed any when she was upset over a man and I would receive upwards of 40-50 texts, ruminating over the same issues and if I gently suggested a different approach, she would explode at me for not validating her every decision. And truth was, I felt she chose completely inappropriate men who were harmful and abusive and she would be deeply attached by date number 2 and that these behaviours required therapy, which she didn't believe in.

I don't want these explosive friendships anymore. I think if this has happened in another friendship, in which there was a different background of healthy trust, I may have opted to give grace today for her insensitive messages. But I simply don't want to participate anymore. I am so tired and fed up of these dysfunctional relations, where the only thing that keeps them going is participation in dysfunctional means.
I sent her a reply detailing my whole truth and I blocked her. I just can't do these friendships anymore.

[Blueberry]

Good for you for blocking her, holidayay!

[HannahOne]

It sounds successful all around--- you both reached out to a friend and a therapist, and also set boundaries! I'm so sorry L treated you that way. You deserve better from a stranger let alone a friend.

[holidayay]

Congratulations! I was so thrilled for you to read that you were pregnant! How wonderful!

I found the rise in progesterone did make me feel more cozy. Calmer. And, it's likely that as you are feeling more clear about your boundaries and what you are keeping in and out, you may feel more relaxed and connected to your environment, feel safer. It must be amazing to feel like you know who you are taking with you to meet the outside world! What's it feel like? I can't really imagine that but it sounds really yummy.

So sorry I forgot to reply to this! Thank you for the lovely words

I would say it feels like: some sort of inner alignment where previously, there wasn't.....and this inner alignment with what you feel and think about things/your approaches/confidence in who you are is what is running the show instead of separate parts that may get triggered and pop up to run the show depending on who you are with and how they are treating you. It feels more steady and safe and consistent. I always found it so distressing to have my inner experiences any given day dominated by the situations around me...e.g. if I was working with an unempathetic, cruel consultant, I would immediately take their words and attitudes as proof that I am shameful and unworthy and I would shrivel up and panic if I had to interact with them...or if I worked with someone snarky and who likes to misunderstand you to gleefully show you up, I would get triggered to over-explain and justify and bend over backwards. Its the ability to retain the internal world despite what's going on externally that is the game changer. No-one gets to invalidate you any longer. You know and understand that what you feel and experience and think is valid just because they exist within you. And your adult self can manage the different parts and sort of be the group leader and speak up on behalf of the other parts, and not by dismissing or ignoring them, but by being aware and sensitive of what they are saying but not giving them too much pull that it turns into dysregulation.

I hope all this made sense 

[HannahOne]

Holidayay, it does make sense, thank you for sharing your experience. "It's the ability to retain the internal world despite what's going on externally that is the game changer." That's so interesting to me I am going to ponder it. I easily lose touch with... myself. Parts take over, as you describe. I hadn't thought of it as retain the internal world but that's such a good description. I sort of abandon it under pressure, dissociate. Lose touch with, lose track. Something I'm working on.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry L behaved in that way and I'm glad you blocked her.

[holidayay]

I have just reached 11 weeks and the pregnancy symptoms are wearing me down. The constant nausea, insomnia and having to go wee frequently is becoming a very exhausting cycle that rinses and repeats every day. I have found techniques that help but something else seems to happen that I haven't yet had the energy to figure out or talk about in therapy....but somehow this consistent feeling of unease makes me feel very vulnerable and it has triggered off something in me where i feel incredibly alone and void of any love/warmth/comfort....and even when I do the things that used to make me feel cozy and safe, they don't work. I feel incredibly powerless and alone, somehow. I'm not alone in the present. I have my partner and my friends. But emotionally and spiritually I feel so desperately lonely and detached.
I suppose pregnancy is likely to trigger something(s) off. But its so tiring dealing with the present day symptoms, I feel too weary to try to go near anything beyond that. I wish I could feel more connected. I feel....eerie, somehow. Its hard to explain. Maybe something akin to when we were children and we were neglected and no-one mirrored ourselves back to us....I feel so empty. I don't know. The most I can do right now is try to look after my physical needs. So I had a bath today. And then went for a (very small) walk. And made sure to drink water.

Maybe therapy on Monday will help me figure things out a little bit.

[HannahOne]

Your post made me remember the first trimester of my pregnancies. It felt to me like a "hormonal bomb" had gone off. I was so exhausted and sleepy, I felt altered in my state, a little bloated, a little floaty, my skin felt different on my body, sometimes a crawling sensation, the nausea... the hormones are very powerful to allow your body to grow a separate life form. It can be intense and disorienting, which was a trigger at times. And feeling vulnerable, feeling "not myself" and also carrying a separate life form was also triggering. For me, the second trimester was night and day easier.

I hope therapy will be helpful for you to process the sensations, emotions, and experience of being pregnant and I do hope you can connect to your partner and friends, even if only to let them know you're struggling a bit. The thing that helped me most was joining moms groups in my town. I needed to be around other women who were or had recently been pregnant. That also helped me create a "mom village" that I needed to raise my children. It reduced my feeling of isolation/alienation and normalized my experience.

[NarcKiddo]

I've never been pregnant, but just wanted to you to know I read your post and am sending good wishes. I hope things ease up soon.