Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[SenseOrgan]

Congratulations Dalloway! The spell of unworthiness is broken. I'm popping the Champaign my friend. Here's to the point of no return. 🥂 

[Dalloway]

My whole experience is telling me that something´s wrong with me. This has been the narrative all my life. It´s not something that I consciously keep telling to myself. It´s deeper than that. It´s the internalized, inherited, deeply embedded belief that my way of reacting to things, talking about my experience, living in this world is not acceptable. I don´t even know why. I never got an answer or an explanation of what am I doing wrong or not quite right. Nothing. I was never told how to do things right and yet from very early on I knew that I was not doing the right things. It´s so deeply rooted that it took me decades to realize that it might not be true and even now I act most of the time as if it WAS the one universal truth that can´t be questioned. It´s so painful to live like this. To see myself constantly, in every sense and context as a failure. But I can´t help it. I look around and there are too many things that remind me of something I failed doing, achieving, pursuing. So many things I could have done, so much wasted time I can´t get back. It´s hard not to be overwhelmed by the pain of it all. It´s almost impossible to keep hanging in there. You can´t help but drown when there´s nothing you could grab and hold on to.

All my life I´ve been missing compassionate witnesses to my pain and suffering.  This is why I keep isolating myself more and more. Every time I try to reach out, I meet with ignorance, misunderstanding or people trying to fix me, at very best. There´s this repeating narrative of my not being okay or being something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. People are trying to give me advice that doesn´t resonate or try to talk me out of feeling this way. It never lands, just reinforces the notion that a) there´s indeed something wrong with me and b) people will never ever understand or see me. Pathologizing my lived experience is denying my very sense of self, everything I am, my core being, my whole life. I am not nature´s mistake and neither is my life. I was being hurt, physically and emotionally, and in a sense I continue to be by the burden I´m carrying. My existence is not a mishap and my reactions are not pathological. They are the reason I´m still here, surviving.

I´m tired of having to explain myself to the world and of having to feel different. I´m not the odd one out. I´m not ill. Whoever the * is trying to convince us that we are, is so wrong. I am perfectly healthy. Show me one trait of mine or reaction that wasn´t perfectly valid and understandable in the context of what I was going through and I will declare my illness proudly. What if I was perfectly normal all along? What would happen if the world stopped looking at us as if we weren´t? I´m tired of carrying the burden of literally everything in the world.

From the very beginning of my life I received a clear message: I am not good/acceptable/tolerable the way I am. How I feel, what I think, what I do, how I do it, how I don´t, is just simply wrong. I don´t know what´s going on but I don´t like this story I´ve been told. My reactions are not disproportionate. They are aligned with what I´m going through and experiencing at the moment. There´s nothing untrue about it.

No one ever told me that what I was experiencing and how I was reacting, was perfectly normal and understandable. Instead I´ve been told that I´m different, not meeting the criteria and the norms or I was just simply made to feel that way. This behavior was further shaming and invalidating me. I don´t want to believe that anymore. I don´t want to believe that my experience is not real or that it´s abnormal.

[Marcine]

Dalloway, my friend.

You wrote,

"I don´t like this story I´ve been told. My reactions are not disproportionate. They are aligned with what I´m going through and experiencing at the moment. There´s nothing untrue about it."

This powerful awareness belongs to you.
No one can take away your truth.
Your voice is beautiful, sister.

[HannahOne]

Being misunderstood is so painful. You deserve to be seen and heard. Your feelings and reactions are valid and make sense in the context of your life. You know the reality of your experience, and you can trust it.

[TheBigBlue]

- and so much more - to both of you, Dalloway and Marcine.

OMG, I cried reading your words, cried in a good way. I felt your words in my body;
YOU spoke MY truth - and probably the truth of many here on the forum!
Thank You, just Thank You!!!

[Dalloway]

This is one of those ,,worse" days. It started last night when I went to bed. I heard those thoughts before. About the damage that´s been done to me and my sisters by our mother. I look at them, see them struggling and hear them talking about their suffering and sometimes I just can´t take it anymore. It´s just too painful to watch your most loved ones suffering. For me, it´s a lot worse than my own pain. And the fact that I can´t help them makes it even harder.

Gabor Maté often says that people don´t want to be perceived as someone else´s mistakes. So for example when a mother feels guilty for hurting her children, those children don´t want her to see them as destroyed goods. I don´t see my sisters as faults. In fact, they are the most wonderful people I´ve ever known. I know they´re strong and resilient and brave. But I also see that they are struggling to get by every day and knowing their potential and giftedness, it´s even more heartbreaking to witness that.

Thinking about it makes me cry. I love them so much and want them to be happy and to have a wonderful life. Not one full of suffering, losses and unfulfilled dreams. I feel so much anger towards our mother for causing these struggles.

This is one of those days when I think about the what ifs and  the losses along the way. The unfairness of it all and the consequences that I have to deal with. I know there are no parallel worlds where me and my sisters would be happy and content. Only this life exists. But I wish them to have joy in this one, too. Joy and happiness that would balance all the pain we have to carry.

Maybe this isn't about them but me. Maybe they don't see themselves the way I see them. But it still hurts.

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds like such a heavy place to be ... I can really feel how much you love your sisters, and how painful it is to see them struggle and not be able to change that. 💛

There's a lot of tenderness in how you see them, their strength, their potential - and at the same time the grief for what they (and you) have had to carry. That's a lot to hold in one heart.

I also hear your insight, wondering how much of this is about how it lands in you, and even with that awareness, it still hurts.

I'm really glad you shared this. It makes sense that today feels like one of those harder days. You're not alone in this. 💛

[HannahOne]

Recognizing the losses is important. Your grief is real. Our minds try to solve the pain with what-ifs. That too is part of grief.

[Marcine]

Dalloway,
I read your recent post and I have some thoughts to share.
As always, my friend, take onboard whatever may resonate with you and leave the rest.

In my experience, the healing journey has so many ups and downs. The size of the waves can be as varied as the ocean—- from light swells to monster rogue waves.

Good days, bad moods, anger at injustice, times of joy, denial, feeling some breathing room, triggers galore, loneliness, shocking moments of connection, desperation... up and down, riding the waves and currents.

And it is intense helplessness to witness the suffering of loved ones without feeling able to help.

Through it all, your buoyancy, Dalloway, has carried you to here and now. I think you are travelling your natural path— of awareness, of empathy, of staying true to your sense of purpose, of keeping an open heart— while navigating the ups and downs of the journey.

[Dalloway]

TheBigBlue, HannahOne, Marcine 
Thank you for being here and holding space for my feelings and thoughts.