Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

It's making me wonder if maybe when emotions start coming back, and I immediately think they are bad emotions ... maybe it's that being emotionally numb for so long makes any emotion feel overwhelming, so even if it's a positive one I feel like it's bad.

hey, ZR, this actually happens to me.  all those emotions we've had to store away for when we're able to manage them, when they come popping out it can seem like a lot.  i do believe our brains numbed our emotions as a protective maneuver cuz we couldn't possibly have managed them at the time.  and i, too, have physical places where my emotions lay.  the body does indeed keep the score.

may i encourage you to let out those tears.  to my mind, they are filled w/ poison (or toxins, as my T says) from everything we've had to hold inside all this time.  when we cry, we are releasing crapola that we've had to stuff down in order not to be overwhelmed at the time. 

i'm really glad you felt better after your EMDR session.  i have no doubt that will continue.  good for you for venturing into those waters.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Life has gotten so busy.  I'm starting to feel a little bit lost with my efforts on recovery and healing.  In some ways, I keep progressing and getting better, slowly.  I've had more random bursts of emotions since starting the EMDR.  I've taken a break for the last two sessions because of how hectic work has gotten, but the emotions have remained, showing up when I'm not expecting them, except while at work.  I've been putting more thought into recognizing that feelings aren't automatically bad just because they feel overwhelming.  I've finally had one check in where I started experiencing emotions, but my brain didn't automatically consider them bad or negative emotions.  I was able to just sit with the way they felt and explore that.  But aside from that, I feel like I'm losing ground.  Most often, when I start feeling emotions coming up, they go from zero to overwhelming so fast, and that emotional circuit breaker trips and then it's gone.

I think maybe I've needed a break from focusing on the trauma so much, but it's starting to seem like I need to get back at it.  I don't know if that would help outside of getting back to doing the EMDR, or if I should just trust that process and give it time before overwhelming myself.

B has continued to be amazing about everything.  She sometimes calls me out on things, but not in a bad way.  So far, each time I've used it as a way to be introspective, and honestly consider what she's saying.  She appreciates how I own my past and don't use it to make excuses.  But she also pushes me to give myself more grace and recognizing where having wins or excelling at things.  Spending time with someone so caring and understanding is healing in ways I didn't expect.

Sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself get distracted, like I'm forgetting the trauma.  And then I'll wonder if this is the goal of recovery.  I know I still have so far to go with it though.  I still feel like I have to apologize for everything.  I know healing isn't linear, but I guess I'm a little scared that I'm losing the plot.  Maybe it's how much time I've been spending with B.  Maybe it's just how hectic work had gotten.

Either way, I think I should take stock of where I am and maybe choose some more intentional focus.  But then, I also know that not all my free time should be spent focusing on trauma stuff. 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, it sounds an awful lot like the 'balance' thing.  what to do or not to do, how much or how little, when, where, why - all those things.  i think if it feels right to go back to it, then it's right for you.  doesn't mean that's all you have to do for a month or more, but maybe a toe back in, see how it feels, look to see if it's heading to a place you want to continue doing more on at the moment, or if you want to rest from it for a bit.  your choice, your voice. 

B sounds wonderful for you.  so glad you two got together.  i hope you can call her out on her stuff as well - balance.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so glad things are going well with B. And I'm glad you've had an experience where the emotions did not become overwhelming. I'm sure that will happen again, and I am very familiar with making some progress and then feeling like I'm going backwards. It happens. You may not actually be going backwards - your brain just may be serving things up with more intensity. And even if you are going a little backwards, it's very common to go two steps forward, one back. Hang in there.

 

[zen_racer]

Sanmagic, I can call her out on things as well.  She's said it's something she appreciates about me.  Since she runs a nonprofit business, I think people rarely call her out on things. 

NK, things are going well with B.  We're going backpacking for 1 night this coming weekend.  And I have had more experiences where the emotions didn't get overwhelming. 

That's actually one of the main things for me to write about.  I've gotten better in my morning check ins with not getting overwhelmed with emotions, and being able to try to explore what the feelings might be.  It did start to fool me into thinking I was getting better than I really was.  I went back to doing the EMDR therapy thinking it was getting easier to deal with the emotions.  That session was one of the hardest sessions yet.  I did not expect the memory we started with to take me where it did.  That was this last week.

This morning, it's a cold morning, and I am physically exhausted beyond anything rational.  I have the windows in my living room open, my fleece lined sweatpants and a warm top on, and I'm enjoying coffee on my chaise with a blanket and my cat cuddling with me.  For the first time, I started having feelings come up exactly like I was doing a check in, but I wasn't.  They weren't overwhelming, and they didn't feel bad.

The physical exhaustion is 100% entirely my fault.  I participated in a 4 hour endurance race with the miniGP race group yesterday.  I think everyone else had at least 3 team members.  We had 2.  I rode the motorcycle for 2 separate 1 hour sessions.  It was hard.  I hurt my hamstrings earlier in the week, but they were feeling pretty good.  At the end of my first hour, it was clear that my right hamstring was hurt.  I just took 4 tylenol and went back at it for the last hour of the race.  We won for our race class!  It's my first time getting a 1st place trophy.  I am sore ALL over, I have blisters, but it still feels good.  It was close between us and 2nd place, so it was constant pushing.  I did the fastest lap for our team 45 minutes into the last hour.
 

[Marcine]

Congrats ZR— on all of it! In every respect it sounds like you're leveling up in the big game! And being very human all the way.
I am happy for you