Help understanding dissociation and similar.

[noraw]

Hi,
Sorry if this post has spelling or errors, I'm typing fast to get thoughts out.

I did post here before but was having a hard time recently and deleted it. I am dealing with childhood trauma, an entire childhood of neglect, emotional and psychological abuse that left a huge mark on my life. I have severe body dysmorphia/insecurities, and I am also dealing with dissociation.

I seem to have maladaptive daydreaming/dissociative absorption and I also have a chronic shutdown response when I am not in MD. The maladaptive daydreaming is very intense and feels big.

I literally daydream automatically at least 8 hours a day, more if you consider the times when I am able to not daydream but still do slightly. I daydream about a character that isn't me and is of an opposite gender. He and his friends, family of friends have been consistent for at least 14 years. I daydreamed this way earlier in life, but these people have been there for 14 years. I use it for trying to process current issues in my life (like having deep discussions about my trauma and current issues related), plus just mundane made up situations, nothing extravagant.

Outside of daydreaming I shut down without realising and can't cope properly.
I feel every single day like I am disconnected. It isn't that I think life is literally fake, it just feels like I am not connected, like I am visiting my life after being gone for a long time and I can't connect anymore because I don't know anything or anyone. I feel like I am on automatic mode, like I am here but my brain is elsewhere.

I don't work, have friends or go out unless I have an important appointment. My day consists of daydreaming automatically and occasionally on purpose, watching funny YouTube to distract myself and feel something, and occasionally video games if I have the energy, which I don't always. I literally daydream for so long that I don't do important stuff like washing, tidying, paying bills or being emotionally "with it" for my cat. I can't escape but at the same time I can't bear the idea of not having my daydreams. My character feels like my protector, someone I have known for years. I know he isn't real but I am emotionally attached.

I have therapy starting and I found a clinical psychologist who seems to deal with trauma and dissociation, but I am scared that it won't work. I had a bad experience with a manipulative therapist and the rest were just not experienced in dissociation and trauma (a few trainee counsellors). I also feel like an imposter, like my issues are not DID therefore not bad enough. Plus all the self blame, shame and intense need to curl up and shrink myself.

I don't understand dissociation and such well enough and it is hard while you are in shutdown mode constantly. Can anyone help me understand it or relate to me? I haven't given up with therapy and keep throwing myself at it but it is exhausting.
Maybe help explain what is going on with me.

[NarcKiddo]

It is hard to understand, and I think it quite likely that everyone's experience of dissociation is quite different from everyone else's.

I do not dissociate in such an acute or noticeable way as you do so it took me a very long time even to realise I do it. My issues also are not DID but I have realised that I do nevertheless have at least one part that takes over completely from time to time. I only realised that because she started doing it once during a therapy session but hesitated because the therapist is a safe person, so I was able to notice the slight disconnect.

Most of the time I dissociate I am in a sort of semi-aware state where I can respond and superficially appear to be a fully functioning adult but I ignore as much of my physical and mental sensation as possible. It can be quite handy if I need to endure an unpleasant dental appointment!

I am glad you have therapy starting and that you have found a clinical psychologist. I'm really sorry you have had a bad therapy experience in the past. It seems to me that this sort of thing takes quite a long time to process and can sometimes feel worse before feeling better. Discovering the extent of my dissociation and other symptoms, which I had brushed under the carpet, has been pretty rough at times. I think it is wise to be careful about wondering whether or not therapy will "work". If you have a fixed idea of what being healed looks like, it could backfire. My own childhood experience was grim from the start, so I actually have no concept of what normal looks like. I have never experienced it. My approach is to look back over the period of therapy and judge whether things generally feel better. Which they do. My EFs are less overwhelming, mostly, and because I now know what they are I can use tools to help when I am in one. I can sometimes catch myself starting to dissociate and pull back from it. Objectively, if I looked at myself right now I might say that therapy has not "worked" because I still have so many challenges. Subjectively, though, I have to say that it is definitely working and has been very helpful. I am fortunate to be in a position to be able to continue with therapy as much as I feel I need it. I can also now contemplate a time when I will feel ready to reduce frequency and maybe even stop. That is massive progress.

Welcome to OOTS and I wish you well on your healing journey.

[Armee]

Hi. If you are able to read (ie focus on reading), one book I found really helpful in understanding dissociation was Janina Fisher's book Understanding the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, or something like that.

Don't worry about the categories and diagnoses so much. They aren't that clean and clear cut anyway.

Figuring out how to identify when dissociation is starting and how to get yourself out of it once you notice it is more helpful in my experience. And then eventually figuring out what has triggered a dissociative episode and then working on processing those issues slowly.

Another resource I love is the website DIS-SOS.