geordie snufkin's journals (to be continued)

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

why do I frequently attract the attention of strangers in public? People that I do not recognise seem to recognise me, I suspect they are pretending to act stupid/slow or something and I am often very confused by what they are trying to say to me, whatever tf this is it isn't very nice

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I don't feel like a valid transgender male enough.

the trauma dumping, the obsession with MBTI / enneagram, the identifying as Snufkin, etc
it makes me feel less of a man

I feel inferior to others a lot. Other people seem to be capable of posting things to youtube (not just youtube on its own but like doing the kind of things i wish i could do because it feels identify-affirming, gender identity less relevant) way better than I ever could.
like this video I feel pathetic for failing to come up with it myself:: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B09LOEkhD9U&t=275s

the sad reality is that the more you try to be Snufkin, the more you try to act russian, the more you romanticise hikkikomori slacker neet gamer stoner whatever the * this even is, the more you are OBJECTIVELY the opposite, causing so much misery and pain and distress

forcing myself to spend more time playing SNES, even though i only have two games at the moment, to induce identity euphoria

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I don't get it when people try to demotivate me from wanting to live in or be in a certain area because it's too "rough". Not saying that I'm * on the otherwise more posher places (both are okay in their own ways), but I love rough areas, I like the distinctive sort of vibes it always gives off.

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I dont like being an AFAB with blonde hair that likes russia and has emotional dysregulation issues, I look way more like "slav doll" archetype or something than the kind of perosn i want to be

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

after a tiny can of red bull from the Co op Snufkings gonna ride his bike listening to June of 44 and Unwound before atttending to a joint, gotta spend the remaining kcal on munchies wisely DONT BE A SNIFF !!!

im constantly very insecure, pretty much always on the verge of a crying fit because of intense self loathing
"no foresight for the future" "poor logical reasoning skills" "rarely dissociates, if anything not at all" "endless social battery" = i feel pathetic

the internet calms me down but it also makes me very insecure

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

The more "ideal self" someone else is the more they bully me. That is distressing in itself. What makes me so anti-self is manifesting it through clothing and music, not via behaviour and words and actions and thoughts.

The fact I wear the clothes I like to wear without restraint. The fact I have an eviction notice and it's all my fault. The fact I overshare to all kinds of forums out of distress. It's all my fault. I can't regulate myself. I feel utterly pathetic because of it.

I still don't know who I am but I do know that being too overly emotional, dramatic, theatrical, impulsive, sensory, cowardly, clingy, severely autistic, illogical, outdated, childish, expressive, impulsive, greedy, big tits, female, curvy, long-winded, closed-minded, simlike and sluglike, "younger self", etc (especially all at the same time, the more of these traits the more intensely the worser I feel) causes myself distress.
extravert and sensor and feeler all at same time is a very distressing jungian result

I still leave the house anyway because being stuck indoors all day is far too boring.
I still open up because I feel so unheard and so misunderstood.

1.feeling unheard and misunderstood
2.being bored by being stuck indoors all the day
(1 idk, kind of gender dysphoric)
(2 is actually a good thing, it doesn't mean youre that sluglike)
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3nufk1n.sheepies
autistic apoxian eastern european toker
17 minutes agoNew #2
* YOU COPILOT

"cOuRaGeOuS" is just euphemism for "acts without thinking"
"acts without thinking" is a trait I do not want to have
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3nufk1n.sheepies
autistic apoxian eastern european toker
A moment agoNew #3
like literally the word "strong" makes me cringe
its so * cringe, gross, ugly

Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways, but the way I react to trauma is so just misaligned with how i iwsh i werw

More people than I think are in as much pain as I am for different reasons, I'm just over-reacting.

Me oversharing, trauma dumping to these forums counts as extraverted sensation feeling heart triad behaviour.

my sense of self means so much to me, for it to be tampered with whatever unpleasant labels "simlike" "sluglike" etc is awful