Healing or Holding On?

[Dark.art.girl]

WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!
This has been a really dark four days. I've fully allowed the past to infiltrate my relationship.

Serious issues have arose regarding my intimacy problems and I have no choice but to address it aggressively with treatment. My thoughts have gone completely morbid. I've reached out for help, don't worry. But man, did I really think I could go on so long without seeking help?

I'm sending the letter to my mother, I think. I just want to make 100% sure it's what I want my last words to be. To her. I don't mean "last words", I mean last words to her because I haven't and will not speak to her ever again lol. I'm not sure why, but I feel I'll get some closure from it. Somehow I'll feel a little touch of peace.

I hope you all are doing well. My activity on here is so sporadic.
Enjoy your weekend, friends. Just had to rant real quick, I guess!

[GoSlash27]

Dark Art,
 My first time commenting on your journal.
"But man, did I really think I could go on so long without seeking help?"
 Unfortunately, you'd be surprised. You don't have to feel like you're alone on that one.
 Best,
-Slashy

[Dark.art.girl]

Slashy!! 

Thanks for your response. I could see how a lot of people on here could feel the same. For some reason I always thought, well, so far this hasn't caused any rifts in interpersonal relationships. Um, hello? Am I the most naive person on the planet? Of course it has. It's just more apparent than before because this person I'm dating is an emotionally regulated adult. Now I have the eerie feeling that if this relationship goes wrong, and he's normal, how can I succeed in any other relationships? Am I doomed to die alone?

That's how I've been feeling, kind of. Doomed. It's been dark.

I spoke with a counselor who mentioned that a lot of times we get a little stuck at the age we were abused--I feel like I've been back and forth on that. It depends on my environment, maybe. But right now, I'm definitely 15 again. I just want justice so bad.

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., yeah, justice would be nice, wouldn't it?  i don't know if that ever happens, or if it would actually be satisfying, but it would be nice nonetheless.  good for you for recognizing what you needed and for taking action.  well done!  love and hugs

[Dark.art.girl]

Thank you, San! Love and hugs to you, too. I hope you've been well.

I sent the letter I wrote a year ago to my mother. It took some liquid courage to do it and I'm definitely nervous. I realize now that the only reason I'm nervous is because I never told her about when I was 12 and when I was ready to do it, I had a deep feeling that even though things were good between us at that time, she wouldn't take it well. So, I never did.

I also fear that it would cause a s*@#t storm on her side of the family and that she'll either tell everyone I'm a brainwashed monster (brainwashed supposedly by my father, her scapegoat) or that she'll try reaching out to me to "apologize". The only way she could do that is through her boyfriend. I also fear that she'll just tell everyone about it in general which is super humiliating to me even if none of us talk. But, I don't think she would do that because doing that would be her admission of guilt. She could just pin it on the drinking, but what she did when I was 15 she did sober as far as I know.

It would be in her best interest to keep it to herself because it's really embarrassing for her but there are ways she could twist it, too. Any sane human being would think she should be incarcerated but I wouldn't consider the people around her sane. Her boyfriend is a groomer, too. Icky.

Here I am thinking too deeply about her actions as if I can control them or the consequences actually effect my life--which they don't. Unless word got to my other grandparents and cousins, and then I'd be even more humiliated. But then again, it wouldn't put her in the best light. And it would explain to them why we're nc.

I wish none of this had never happened. I wish I had a normal doting and loving mother who wasn't a selfish lewd freak with boundary issues. I don't know what to do to heal anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop again.

[Dark.art.girl]

As I search endlessly for resources that don't drain my bank account or cause me any other alternative issues, I have come to a somewhat devastating realization.

The CSA I experienced when I was 11 (I keep thinking 12, but I was only 11) happened in the home of my great grandmother and grandfather who was living with her at the time. In the event that the information in the letter I sent to my mother somehow reaches him because he now lives close to her, I have no idea what he would do. My fear is that he would feel guilty for taking part in her negligence and drink and hurt himself somehow.

I would much rather he hear it directly from me. I'm terrified.

At my desk I have this little stuffed white dog. When I was 7, I took this dog on a trip with my mother to go visit that same grandfather during the summer. We stayed in that same old house. I can still remember how loud the cicadas were by the bedroom window. He took us to his sister's house where they had a pool and he taught me how to scuba dive for the first time. I took this little stuffed dog into the pool with me to play with. Somewhere there's a picture of young me in a floatie playing with this dog all wet and nappy.

A lot of the abuse happened at that pool house, also. But I'll never forget how much fun I had that one summer.

I have to keep reminding myself that I did this for me. I did this so I could feel some relief and I shouldn't be so scared to displease anyone else because of it.

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., guilt and shame, to my mind, belong to the perpetrators and the enablers, not to those of us who have been abused.  we have nothing to feel guilty nor ashamed about.  we didn't ask to be abused, our brains were too young and unformed to understand what was happening or to make logical sense of it, and we did what we had to do to survive.  which you did.  you survived, and now you're here w/ the rest of us dealing with the fallout. 

and the fallout can be awful, it's true, yet i know that we can survive that as well.  best to you with all of this.  i hope you get some relief.  sending love and a gentle hug filled with anti-fallout spray.

[Dark.art.girl]

San,
What you're saying is true and it's a hard concept to grasp for me. Thank you for reminding me.

From what USPS tells me, the letter arrived. Luckily, nothing has come of it. No calls, no texts, no emails, no harassment. I should feel relief and clear it from my mind. But I want to know, did she really read it? Were my words worth conveying to her? To me alone, it should be. Probably.

This feeling will pass with time. Then I'll know for sure she'll leave my life unchanged and in peace, respecting my wishes. I do admit that half of me does want the validation of feeling heard, though. It is what it is.

Knowing her, she may just find the idea of not having motherly obligations easier. She can just blame my father for her absence and go on living her life without me guilt-free.

Okay, I'm done now. I've had enough dwelling on her for so long. She's not worth this much time and thought.

Everyone enjoy their weekend xoxo

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., the idea of wanting validation has been a big one for me.  i can do something, know it's a good thing, but because of a lack of validation when i was young, i still look for it, even crave it at times.  i think it's one of those bottomless pits that can never get filled for us unless we find some way to fill it for ourselves, which is no mean feat.  i give you lots of kudos for sending the letter, and i hope, whether she read it or not, you can be proud of yourself for your courage and determination in sending it.  love and hugs

[Dark.art.girl]

Love and hugs, San.

Unfortunately, some of the fears I held over sending this letter came to fruition. My half-brother found a text my mother sent to his. She did almost exactly what I thought she might do, although I wasn't sure which version of her I'd get.

My guess is either she opened it with her boyfriend without expecting the content to be what it was or she had no choice but to share it with him because he was there when she received it. Either way, she said she received a "horrible letter full of mistruths and twisted facts, scapegoating a bunch of lies [my father] put in [my] head". The worst part is, she said I'm evil, not her child, and that by me shutting the door on her SHE is protecting HER peace from MY poison.

She also stated her and her boyfriend were "mortified" and couldn't sleep but this is the last time she'll ever get hurt again.

The last time she will ever get hurt again.

What about me? 

I was such a fool to think, in some universe, that she would feel even an ounce of guilt or sadness over the experiences I just admitted to her. The hurt that I displayed to her. I was an idiot to want her to feel SADNESS. This was the first time I had ever told her about the CSA that she allowed to happen. It took 15 years to tell her and her response is to protect her ego.

What I'd like to say is, "why don't you let everyone else read it? why don't you tell everyone what happened to me?".

I wanted so badly for some kind of accountability. Anything at all. But that's how this story ends. She gets to live somewhere the law will never find her and she can blame my father for everything.

I have so many feelings about this it took two days to even form a cohesive thought about it. Most of my efforts have gone towards bottling up any feelings since I have no one to really talk to. No one around me is reliable, trustworthy, or even simply emotionally available. I don't want to be depressing or no fun or ruin anyone's peace. But there's so much to this. For now, I'm just acting like nothing happened.

It just makes me sad.

[sanmagic7]

unfortunately, D.A.G., sometimes the only way we can learn the true depth of a person's narcissism is by this type of trial and error.  i've been told many times during my life about how i would never get any satisfaction from trying to deal rationally with a narc, but i went ahead and tried anyway.  sure enough, every time i was the one who came away disappointed, hurt, angry, disillusioned, humiliated, ad nauseum.  i'm very sorry this happened to you.  it's just terrible to be treated like that when you are putting your life on the line, being so vulnerable.  ugh.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry, but not surprised, that she reacted this way to your letter D.A.G. It tells you all you need to know about her, as if you didn't know already, but I know how badly that still feels to any part of you hoping for something - anything - good from her. Of course you're sad. Please be kind to yourself as you work through this.