Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[HannahOne]

SO, this is all so triggering. I am sorry this is happening. You need a place to live where you can feel safe and not experience intrusive noise, a place where you don't have to fear angry big neighbors. And you've been through this before. It certainly does induce rage and bring on the fight survival response. Because you need a safe place, a place where you feel boundaries and feel some sense of control.

You are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself as best you can.

[Marcine]

SO,
So many (too many) of us understand from similar situations. So in that respect, you aren't alone. But... well, let me say I wish we could all literally stand next to you in those moments when the doorbell rings. When the dogs bark. When the neighbor snarls, etc.

We'd be your body guards, your heart guards, your private security force, your army for all that is good and right...

Well. Since we can't all stand next to you, please believe we stand WITH you.

[Dalloway]

SO, thanks for asking about my sense of safety. Well, I would say this person is more like an archetype of the people that trigger me. I´m not physically afraid of him because I know I have options to deal with him if necessary. But for me, the hardest part is, that these people seem to be everywhere, that´s why I´m saying he´s an archetype, a symbol that represents the deep abyss between me and most of the people in my surroundings. Dealing with them is reinforcing the belief that we are so different and that we´ll never see eye to eye. The voice inside my head is saying ´see, they will never ever understand you or cooperate with you, they are so different, you are so different´.
Don´t mean to hijack your journal though so I´ll stop here. I really hope you feel that we are with you, as Marcine put it. 

[sanmagic7]

SO, i'm with Marcine on standing with you, and even metaphorically standing alongside you when the doorbell rings, the dog barks, or you can hear the angry guy's voice.  maybe we can't make you feel safer, but hopefully we can help you feel not so alone.  we'd be there if we could.  i'm just so sorry this is happening to you.  safety in your own space is a priority to being able to do anything else.  this just sucks!  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you all so very much for your support. I feel really blessed to be part of this community. It's different to deal with this now, than in the many years where I was totally isolated. I'm now a connected person who deals with something deeply triggering. That makes a big difference. 

Dalloway
You're not hijacking this journal, and I very much appreciate your perspective. I'm also dealing with archetypes. This guy represents much more than his own anti-social self. For a very large part, it's not even about him, or here and now. In my case this is very old stuff. Highly likely even pre-verbal. I also recognize the voice you talk about. Or the experience. This is in the EF spectrum for me. It's how reality used to be when growing up. The reality. These are deeply ingrained "truths" about the world, and who we are in relation to others. In my experience, it slowly corrodes when authentic connection starts to happen. I think it's an echo of emotional neglect, that is as loud as the pain we carry from such an adverse start in life. It's exquisitely lonely to survive a childhood without a safe attachment figure. I sincerely wish that these learned truths will one day be obsolete for you. Earned secure attachment is possible.




Unsurprisingly, it was a difficult night after the incident. Going to bed at the usual time, I was still in fight/flight mode. The knot in my stomach had been there for many hours. It lasted another day. That means rage. I'm fed up with this type. The cluster B's and co who get away with inflicting harm onto others. The day after, I was physically ill from the severity of the stress the incident had caused. A proper stress hangover.

I had managed to sleep. And woke up several times. From nightmares. Horror shows. Eacht time conflicting forces within when waking up. A battle between flight and fawn on one side, and fight not having that. I consider the resistance a good sign. When I got up, it slowly dawned on me that I wasn't going to agree to being intimidated. I do not have to submit my dignity, and my freedom, just because some very old buttons have been pushed by some punk. Why would I have to be the one who's stressed out of his mind? There's rule of law in this country. I have rights. My mind started to reclaim agency, not in the least bit over my own nervous system. I did a bit of a search, and discovered that I can summon someone to get off of my property. If he refuses, he's handing me a legal angle to work. So that action puts me in a no-lose position. I do not have to open the door for him, nor do I have to talk to him. Not at my door, not on the street, not anywhere. And if need be, I will defend myself and/or call the police when physically attacked. The number is in my phone now. If the noise continues, the complaints continue. Simple as that. That reasoning helped to regulate, as did talking to friends about it.

It's a much more triggering environment now in some ways though. Every time when I leave the house. The other day I went to the super market close by. I know these single-celled also shop there, so there's always a chance to encounter them. I got seriously dysregulated. And there's the challenge. They only own the street and the store when I hand it to them. And I'm not willing to do so. I'm not going to cage myself anymore than I already do. No. I literally need to occupy my space in order not to give it away. This is an internal battle more than anything. It's going to be scary to go out of the house for a while. It's also an opportunity for growth, and for reclaiming some things that were stolen from me a long time ago.

The dogs went berzerk for hours after the incident and the visit from the housing agency. It could have been revenge. Hard to say. But as of yesterday, it has been relatively quiet. There's a chance that all of this is having a positive impact. The extremely loud music that the same SOB had been playing for years stopped last summer, after I filed a complaint and the housing agency went there. So it could work again, even though it's more complicated when dogs are the source of the noise. Fingers crossed.





The other day I bumped into an old friend who never knew he was. Back in the late nineties my mental health tanked. It was around this time that I discovered a radio show. So pre-internet era. The host would play the darkest of music. A lot of it quite obscure. A universe opened up for me. It was a feast of recognition, and in hindsight, a weekly shower of validation. At some point the host died, and the co-host of some time took over. I had always liked his music selection even better, and I was delighted he kept the show going. I kept listening for many years, until the internet properly took over as a source for discovering music, and also my taste in music shifted.

So I was at the railway station and I saw this man. It was undeniably the host of that show. I walked towards him and blurted out: "that's Bob...". I don't know what he was thinking, and frankly, I don't know what I was either. We had a little chat, and I told him he had had a huge influence on my life, which visibly moved him. I doubt he knew his passion had touched someone, and likely many more, so deeply. It felt good to let him know that, after all these years.

[TheBigBlue]

SO,
So many (too many) of us understand from similar situations. So in that respect, you aren't alone. But... well, let me say I wish we could all literally stand next to you in those moments when the doorbell rings. When the dogs bark. When the neighbor snarls, etc.

We'd be your body guards, your heart guards, your private security force, your army for all that is good and right...

Well. Since we can't all stand next to you, please believe we stand WITH you.

    All of That !!!
   

[HannahOne]

SO, you're bringing reasoning into the situation, knowing your options, how to keep yourself safe. All of that is important grounding. you didn't have those options as a kid. Now you do, you have a phone and the number to call. Remembering you have rights. And feet, that can take you somewhere.

I can relate to sometimes being afraid to leave the house for fear of who I may run into. I share your knowing that we have to own our own body, house, street, grocery shop. We can't cede ownership. And, knowing what to do if confronted, how to be safe, from someone else's rage, and our own.

Because when we leave the house, who knows what can happen? You. may happen upon an old friend. That, too, is yours. How good to let him know the effect he had on you. And who can say the effect you have on others, just by bebopping to the grocery shop.

Fingers cross the noise STOPS and sleep is nightmare-free.

[NarcKiddo]

You met Bob. How nice. I bet he was really happy to have met you and learned how much he meant to you back in the day.

[sanmagic7]

SO, if i may say so, i'm so proud of you!  taking back your power is a truly wonderful thing to see and hear about.  somehow, that's been slipped under the rug for so long, so i celebrate you in looking under that rug, dragging it out, dusting it off, and utilizing it to your advantage.  well done!

i'm smiling for you now.  keep going!  love and hugs