Strange Occurrence: Deep Distress re: Childlike things?

[lowbudgetTV]

I have been thinking about this lately, and it obviously often comes up when my mind wanders or I engage with things in life, but basically: I feel a deep... Negative Feeling(?) when I think about childish things.

It's the most vague statement ever so let me try to explain it.

The feeling is like a deep dread, depression, fear, pity, or something else along that through-line. It happens when I imagine something to do with "child-like wonder" or childish activites.

I've discussed it with my Therapist, but, well, we've been preoccupied with other more important things first and haven't really explored it (and it might be helped by other symptoms of my PTSD) but honestly it does bother me a lot. I like cute things. I like children. I like childish things. But when I think about the concept, the manifestation of a child being a child, my heart hurts and I fear it. I want to cry. I am filled with fear. Part of me also imagines an adult acting like a child and I am repulsed somehow, like a magnet. Yet still I am always drawn to these instances.

For example, what sparked this thought now to be brought to the forum is that I was trying to sleep and imagined a scenario. There is a child, wanting to play and talk about childish things. An adult is unable to parse the child and wishes to talk about high-concept adult things. The child merely continues on, as a young kid would, wanting to talk about a cartoon or play with dolls. Imagine if you would a four-panel comic made for humor about the disconnect of adults and children, but it plays in my mind as if it were a bad omen.

I think there's a lot to it. I think I fear breaking down into something people would be repulsed by. I don't do it anymore, but I do recall crying myself to sleep and imagining myself as a helpless young baby, desperately wanting a powerful figure to save me. I have not felt that need in a while, but these thoughts that come into my mind do distress me in a way that's similar. Another aspect is I fear the loss of intelligence, maybe autonomy? I have a lot of background experiences that give me fear of disability, dependency, etc. due to witnessing horribly sad scenarios in my life. Maybe I associate some things I do enjoy with some sort of stereotype, and my body is just unable to connect.

I would like to be more myself, which I think is a combination of cute and vulnerable but also with a love of power and intensity. It almost feels like that latter half has been present throughout my life and refuses to relent a bit. I want to be cutesy and romantic with my partner while wearing my mallgoth outfits! I want to hug a cute Sanrio mascot at the mall with all the other twenty-somethings and not disassociate, crying in the car on the way home because I was not present.

This was a real mind-vomit of words, but I hope maybe it resonates or you have advice?

I suppose my question or discussion topic is: does this sound familiar to you? Do you know anything or have theories about what this could be reflecting?

[NarcKiddo]

To me it seems that maybe this has to do with your own experience of being a child when you were one. I don't know that, obviously, but I do know that my parents did not and do not like children, even their own. Being vulnerable and needy was a horribly unsafe place to be and I had to "mature" extremely fast for my life to be somehow tolerable. In with that, my mother was and is very immature. She is like a giant, vindictive toddler and actually is not shy of acknowledging she is childish at times. So for me, the thought of possibly being vulnerable like a child is awful. On the other hand I am instinctively protective of those who are vulnerable and angry at those who harm them.

As I work more with my T I realise that there are child parts of me that are completely stuck, and because I have rejected vulnerability they have stayed stuck. We are gently working with me acknowledging and nurturing them. I am gradually feeling better about dealing with those parts of myself and not triggered into protective fury so much when my husband instinctively responds kindly to any vulnerability that I have not successfully hidden. The instant my mother tries to manoeuvre me into a child position, however, I am on full alert. She is not safe, and my child parts are not yet convinced that I am able to protect them.

This has also turned into a bit of a mind-vomit but maybe you will find some of it useful.

[Teddy bear]

Hi LowbudgetTV,

I don't have too much to say, but I wanted to share a thought and some empathy. Reading your post, I had a vague feeling that I can understand it and identify with it to some degree.

My guess would be that these strong feelings might be connected to something from childhood, perhaps memories or experiences that are now subconscious or repressed.

There was a period, maybe about ten years ago, when I genuinely enjoyed various 'childish' things myself — even clothes or shoes for kids that happened to fit my size (I was already an adult then). Now I tend to prefer just normal 'adult' outfits, though I don't want to become boring and ordinary. Something inside has shifted probably.

And thanks, NarcKiddo, was interesting and useful to read your analysis and perspective.

Sending hugs, if that's okay

[Chart]

I like cute things. I like children. I like childish things. But when I think about the concept, the manifestation of a child being a child, my heart hurts and I fear it. I want to cry. I am filled with fear. Part of me also imagines an adult acting like a child and I am repulsed somehow, like a magnet. Yet still I am always drawn to these instances.

lowbudgetTV,
For me the context is different, but the "conflict of feeling" (which is how I interpret what you wrote) is the same. It is hard to describe and explain, but I think you expressed it well: wanting one thing, but feeling torn and repulsed at the same time. Emotions or dissociation coming up from situations that we want to experience but are deeply conflicted by.

I believe this is one of the many symptoms of complex trauma. I believe it comes from having primal needs manipulated by caregivers in an unhealthy manner. That is to say, needing something, then having that thing manipulated or twisted such that we perceive that the thing is somehow conflicted with the emotional response of the parent.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm still thinking and reflecting on it as it seems to impact me in a very subtle way. But I'm closer to it now that I've read your post and processed my own feelings from it a little.
 

[lowbudgetTV]

Thank you NK, Teddy and Chart! I do agree. It must be something about my childhood experience that got blocked, and now it is strange trying to feel it now.

I especially agree with your Ancedote NK!

I had to "mature" extremely fast for my life to be somehow tolerable. In with that, my mother was and is very immature. She is like a giant, vindictive toddler and actually is not shy of acknowledging she is childish at times. So for me, the thought of possibly being vulnerable like a child is awful.
[...]
The instant my mother tries to manoeuvre me into a child position, however, I am on full alert. She is not safe, and my child parts are not yet convinced that I am able to protect them.

I relate to this a lot. I would feel repulsed often by my mother, especially when she would verbally whine and get fustrated. Perhaps this is the through-line. I saw her and was fustrated with her for having her life be harder than it needed to be and she refused. I remember many times when I got older that I shut down, became the adult, and then solved her problem to get the sound of that screeching whine to go away. It was textbook!

Additionally, to the second point, I would hate when she was vulnerable with me. I would hate being loved. It was not typical teenager angst. I knew somehow that it was different and worse. It felt fake and wrong.

Yet I am protective of children. I love how many stories there are nowadays of--and I suppose anywhere but here would this be an off color thing to say--genuinely abused children getting happy endings. I learned about the eucatastrophe in University Lit Classes and I identified with it ever since. (Wikipedia explains it perfectly well: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucatastrophe) I really liked watching the Owl House, a fairly recent Disney TV show, for a character in that. A even younger me would've loved it.

I think that really sums up what I feel too. I like cute things, but I'm also rough. I am hard with a soft interior (though IRL I probably usually appear soft with a very hard interior; some people do think I look scary sometimes... I think its my "RBF")

This is all to say that I'll probably be exploring these feelings through art. I like stories and comics, so I need to draw it out more. I did recently finish an art piece, actually, that depicted a strong emotion using a character I connected with.

Anyways, to end my ramblings (I approve of them; ramble on my threads if you have thoughts!), I do think my feelings reflect my thoughts and experiences with the people I fear and loathe. There were times I was made fun of for liking "weak, childish" things. There were times I was made to feel less by being treated like a baby. Studying Disability Rights and Culture too, I have seen so many instances where certain people are treated a certain way and it feels so dehumanizing to be babied. My mother and other family definitely did that specific stuff in addition to how they treated me. Not to mention how sensitive I was to situations where nothing was being done but could've been done, and the only way to free myself was to grow up.

I want to be treated, rewarded, celebrated, sometimes babied by the ones I truly loved--but I also want to be an adult with my own individuality and changing interests. I am intelligent, and I also happen to like soft things. Then, it is perfectly normal to turn around and like dark things too (I wrote this and recalled a time where my mother got mad at me for drawing a bloody vampire, saying it was too scary. Too bad! My art makes people feel emotions and that's the point sometimes, to feel uncomfy!). I am a human and I am complex.