Strange Occurrence: Deep Distress re: Childlike things?

[lowbudgetTV]

I have been thinking about this lately, and it obviously often comes up when my mind wanders or I engage with things in life, but basically: I feel a deep... Negative Feeling(?) when I think about childish things.

It's the most vague statement ever so let me try to explain it.

The feeling is like a deep dread, depression, fear, pity, or something else along that through-line. It happens when I imagine something to do with "child-like wonder" or childish activites.

I've discussed it with my Therapist, but, well, we've been preoccupied with other more important things first and haven't really explored it (and it might be helped by other symptoms of my PTSD) but honestly it does bother me a lot. I like cute things. I like children. I like childish things. But when I think about the concept, the manifestation of a child being a child, my heart hurts and I fear it. I want to cry. I am filled with fear. Part of me also imagines an adult acting like a child and I am repulsed somehow, like a magnet. Yet still I am always drawn to these instances.

For example, what sparked this thought now to be brought to the forum is that I was trying to sleep and imagined a scenario. There is a child, wanting to play and talk about childish things. An adult is unable to parse the child and wishes to talk about high-concept adult things. The child merely continues on, as a young kid would, wanting to talk about a cartoon or play with dolls. Imagine if you would a four-panel comic made for humor about the disconnect of adults and children, but it plays in my mind as if it were a bad omen.

I think there's a lot to it. I think I fear breaking down into something people would be repulsed by. I don't do it anymore, but I do recall crying myself to sleep and imagining myself as a helpless young baby, desperately wanting a powerful figure to save me. I have not felt that need in a while, but these thoughts that come into my mind do distress me in a way that's similar. Another aspect is I fear the loss of intelligence, maybe autonomy? I have a lot of background experiences that give me fear of disability, dependency, etc. due to witnessing horribly sad scenarios in my life. Maybe I associate some things I do enjoy with some sort of stereotype, and my body is just unable to connect.

I would like to be more myself, which I think is a combination of cute and vulnerable but also with a love of power and intensity. It almost feels like that latter half has been present throughout my life and refuses to relent a bit. I want to be cutesy and romantic with my partner while wearing my mallgoth outfits! I want to hug a cute Sanrio mascot at the mall with all the other twenty-somethings and not disassociate, crying in the car on the way home because I was not present.

This was a real mind-vomit of words, but I hope maybe it resonates or you have advice?

I suppose my question or discussion topic is: does this sound familiar to you? Do you know anything or have theories about what this could be reflecting?

[NarcKiddo]

To me it seems that maybe this has to do with your own experience of being a child when you were one. I don't know that, obviously, but I do know that my parents did not and do not like children, even their own. Being vulnerable and needy was a horribly unsafe place to be and I had to "mature" extremely fast for my life to be somehow tolerable. In with that, my mother was and is very immature. She is like a giant, vindictive toddler and actually is not shy of acknowledging she is childish at times. So for me, the thought of possibly being vulnerable like a child is awful. On the other hand I am instinctively protective of those who are vulnerable and angry at those who harm them.

As I work more with my T I realise that there are child parts of me that are completely stuck, and because I have rejected vulnerability they have stayed stuck. We are gently working with me acknowledging and nurturing them. I am gradually feeling better about dealing with those parts of myself and not triggered into protective fury so much when my husband instinctively responds kindly to any vulnerability that I have not successfully hidden. The instant my mother tries to manoeuvre me into a child position, however, I am on full alert. She is not safe, and my child parts are not yet convinced that I am able to protect them.

This has also turned into a bit of a mind-vomit but maybe you will find some of it useful.

[Teddy bear]

Hi LowbudgetTV,

I don't have too much to say, but I wanted to share a thought and some empathy. Reading your post, I had a vague feeling that I can understand it and identify with it to some degree.

My guess would be that these strong feelings might be connected to something from childhood, perhaps memories or experiences that are now subconscious or repressed.

There was a period, maybe about ten years ago, when I genuinely enjoyed various 'childish' things myself — even clothes or shoes for kids that happened to fit my size (I was already an adult then). Now I tend to prefer just normal 'adult' outfits, though I don't want to become boring and ordinary. Something inside has shifted probably.

And thanks, NarcKiddo, was interesting and useful to read your analysis and perspective.

Sending hugs, if that's okay

[Chart]

I like cute things. I like children. I like childish things. But when I think about the concept, the manifestation of a child being a child, my heart hurts and I fear it. I want to cry. I am filled with fear. Part of me also imagines an adult acting like a child and I am repulsed somehow, like a magnet. Yet still I am always drawn to these instances.

lowbudgetTV,
For me the context is different, but the "conflict of feeling" (which is how I interpret what you wrote) is the same. It is hard to describe and explain, but I think you expressed it well: wanting one thing, but feeling torn and repulsed at the same time. Emotions or dissociation coming up from situations that we want to experience but are deeply conflicted by.

I believe this is one of the many symptoms of complex trauma. I believe it comes from having primal needs manipulated by caregivers in an unhealthy manner. That is to say, needing something, then having that thing manipulated or twisted such that we perceive that the thing is somehow conflicted with the emotional response of the parent.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm still thinking and reflecting on it as it seems to impact me in a very subtle way. But I'm closer to it now that I've read your post and processed my own feelings from it a little.