Mathilde’s diary

[Matilda2]

I am content today.

I decided I will no longer let family manipulate or intimidate me into things that do not fit my character. Be it fight or fawn. Or silence when I want to speak up. Dad is a nasty manipulative controlefreak. He also did a lot of practical things for us. It's both.

I will let it go.

My family will never see me or the situation for what it is. I will focus on my own life.

I am with kid. It's Mother's Day. He is watching football. He was very late. Dad went with brothers on a trip. They planned it on Mother's Day. And announced it. Not asked. I think that is a * move. But I let it go. They are simply not kind and empathic people. It is what it is. Apparently I was not blessed with a family that does kindness well. Even if they think they are the most loving ever.

Kid did groceries. He bought us a nice meal. Burritos.

I worked and had fun yesterday.

[Matilda2]

I feel weird. Now I decided dads behaviour was abusive, and I will speak up. Things fall into place. And I feel a weird sense of calmth.

It frightens me. Almost as if something is missing. There was a lot of emotional turmoil. Inner conflict. Faith and anger/resentment fighting within. Now it is quiet.

My anger fell away. My fear and shame. The need to get true to dad fell away. He will never respond. Not in a way that is fulfilling to me. He will not cooperate. Or communicate in a normal way. He cannot. He is incapable. An emotional connection as I wish it is impossible.

It is not fully loveless. There's some sort of love. He just cannot show it in the same way. Or cooperate or reflect or empathise.

I also drank quite a bit of milk. Last days. I am allergic and it always gives me a hazy experience. They say for allergic people it connects to the opioid receptors. So maybe I just drugged myself. Haha.

[Matilda2]

I am proud of myself.

I worked. Had fun. Had a meeting with my health worker. Spoke up. Stayed with my boundary. Kindly. Was kind to dad but without giving private information. Connected to a friend. Processed stuff.

[Matilda2]

I did good stuff today. I took NarcKiddos point that I cannot solve it all at once at heart. And am happy with what I do achieve.

I visited the community center today.
I arranged with them to get free food and clothes in the next period. This will help with our financial troubles.
I have a job interview on friday. I arranged free clothes. I will get them tomorrow. I'm happy with my creative solution for my clothing problem.
Kid is here. I make sure it is calm and good.
I let dad's power struggles be.
I did my laundry and am cleaning the kitchen.

[Matilda2]

Kid and I joked a bit. About his and my bad traits. I casually said sorry for the things I could not offer him. And told him I did do my best, that he was loved. He was forgiving.

I think I did a lot of things worse than my parents. Also, I think this is progress. Where my parents always said: we are perfect. I can easily tell him what I did wrong. Or respond if he says it. Or accept being teased with that. My dad dishes out horrid jokes. But cannot receive the smallest tease.

Kid's attitude does make me think: if kid forgives my mistakes, and I'm happy about that, I should do the same with my parents. But their utter lack of acknowledgement makes that harder. A simple and genuine sorry would have been enough.

[Matilda2]

Were your growing up years your hard years? Family pain is the deepest pain because it was inflicted so early. It involves people who should have been trustworthy. You were too young to process the mistreatment. You didn't know how to defend yourself. Besides, the perpetrators of your pain were so large. Your dad, mom, uncle, big brother—they towered over you, usually in size, always in rank. When they judged you falsely, you believed them.

As a result, you've been operating on faulty data. "You're stupid, slow, dumb like your daddy, fat like your momma." Decades later, these voices of defeat still echo in our subconscious. But they don't have to. Romans 12:2 says, "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." You are God's child. His creation. You'll get through this! You're part of his family.

A text by Max Lucado in my mail. It helped me.

[Matilda2]

Superhappy. I feel calm. Since I decided to quit lying to myself about dad AND forgive him. It's coming in waves. But I see him as emotionally disabled. That helps a lot.

If I am blind, I can bump into people and hurt them. I cannot take them into account. Because I do not see them. Normally, the blind person would get a stick and a guide dog. Which helps. And they tell people they are blind. But if they are not aware... they will still bump into people.

I see my dad as emotionally blind. And unaware of his blindness. I told him so many times. And proposed a stick and a dog. But he refuses. I decided to stop screaming and begging that he should see. And stop expecting he doesn't bump into me. I know what he is like. I need to work around that. Ask others for help, stay out of his way, be a bit forgiving because he doesn't comprohend.

He's also pissed off and hurt because of my trauma behaviour. Which I understand. It is logical. I was wrong back then. I cannot change the past. But I need to do better now. I decided I will behave as I see loving. Which is also to inform CPS.

All the rest is not under my control. And I let it go. It's with God.

All my anger is gone. I see is incapability. And also that he did his best, and did good things, and I did bad things. Things just are falling into place. I am having more and more relaxed times.

Also a lot in my daily life is falling into place. I have a great volunteering job and might get a paid job. I get help with food, clothes and furniture because of the superb poverty aid here (thank you!). I have sweet people around me. My kid seems to feel better lately. I'm cleaning the home. I'm paying off my debts. I'm learning new emotional skills all the time...and it's great. For a long time I was stuck in trauma and could not learn. And now I can.

And I decided to be kind to dad AND speak up for me and kid to CPS AND stay out of discussions with dad himself AND not tell him vulnerable stuff that he can use. Which feels great. I can see his sweet side. And hope he connects with it more.

I also manage to be there for kid more. Hurray. 

[Matilda2]

I am also... I am absolutely not proud of how I lead my life.

But I am proud that I taught myself all sorts of social and emotional skills. My family is severely disabled emotionally. I see this in my brother. I sought contact. We did not meet for 5 years. And only a few times a year for 20 years before. I asked to talk. He still tells me: you think...you do..you must... You do not deal with dad and kid right. You only blame us. You do not take responsibilty.

He doesn't even know who I am. He nearly never saw me the last 25 years. How on earth can you tell someone you did not see for so long, what they think? And not see it's based on gossip?

[Matilda2]

I hate my father. He destroyed me and all I loved. In a way so calculated and sneaky that everyone thinks I am at fault. Even me. Because I know he would not have succeeded. If I had responded better. If I had been stronger. Calmer. More strategical.

I hate him. He used all my own vulnerabilities to hurt me. So I feel guilty and ashamed.

I hate him. I hate him. And love him too. Still.

[Matilda2]

Also I manage to lead my life while processing this.

I worked all day. It was good. I function like a normal person there. On Tuesday I will hear back from the job interview. I think it is not my job. I basically have to be a nurse. I have to do loads of medical stuff. But I have only two weeks of training. They are short in staff and take in people with no training. I'm interested. But I think it may be too heavy.

I'm traveling into town now. I will get something. And then rest. Clean my kitchen. Cook. Call a friend. I love my friend. I really love her.

[Matilda2]

I bumped into so many in the caring professionals that were manipulators too...and that hurt us more...that I daren't speak up. There's two systems therapists. I think I can trust them. One I definitely trust. The other I think I trust, but she felt a little more masked. Or in her head rather than feelings. I never really know. I'm always scared to bump into a narc-psychologist. Many of them are. It's a profession of wounded people helping wounded people. It's happened more than once, that a professional turned radically against me, when I spoke up. Either to them or to dad. However kindly. How do I know whom to trust? How? What if a psychologist is a creep? Again? I tried to explain for so long.

If I am silent...I know what I got. I have three days without nights to offer kid a good surrounding. I should make it better here. I suspect dad is golden-childing kid. Not doing what he did me. If I speak, it can get better. But it can also get a whole lot worse. Dad can fight me so hard that I lose my child. The psychologist can betray me. Etc etc.

I don't think I like this world much anymore. I would very prefer if we all just had good sides. 

[Matilda2]

I'm confused.

Every time my mind tells me I am the only problem. I saw it wrong. I should return. I should forgive and reconcile.

I refrain from reaching out. But I'm terrified I see it wrong. And it is all my fault. And kid is better off without me. And I'll get a big fat reprimand in the afterlife for not obeying dad.