Denali's Recovery Journal: Finding My Way

[Denali]

I found OOTS when looking for a PTSD support group that was not for veterans or sexual abuse survivors.  I hadn't heard of complex PTSD until I read the introduction.

I discovered I had symptoms that I hadn't understood before. I started looking into some of the behaviors I have noticed and never talked about.

I don't know if it's resistance or ignorance, I have a hard time with vulnerability. I'm not sure where that falls under.

I have compassion and empathy for others. Especially, my children and boyfriend. Yet, I seem to not have it for myself.

I believe I've been conditioned to be harsh with myself. I need to push because it's necessary.

I've spent a majority of my life being ignored when I tried reaching out. Due to that, I've become hardened.  I hate when I have feelings of concern for myself. I tell myself I shouldn't be having a pty party for myself.

I believe the negative idea came from the two main trauma causers.
The person who had me and my ex husband.

The woman was an attention seeker. She exploited me for most of my childhood for that attention. She also perpetuated that I didn't matter and had others join in on that notion.

The ex would turn things around so he could look like a victim.  He tried portraying that I was the problem to the outside world.

So I adapted the attitude I have to be tough and I am my only protector. So when I find myself in a difficult situation, I just get through it.

When I have expressed concern or disagreement, I'm ignored or overlooked. So I don't complain because it's a waste of energy.

After reading posts on here, I realize I need to change that view. Perhaps if I do, being vulnerable won't be so terrifying.

[rainydiary]

Denali, I was grateful to come across information about CPTSD as it explained a lot for me too.  I hope that as you become more aware of how it is showing up in your life, you will find ways to give yourself more understanding. 

[Eireanne]

  Denali,

Finding OOTS helped me understand relational trauma (I didn't know that was a thing) and like you, I am often ignored when I try reaching out, to the point I was ignoring myself and allowing the dismissal of all the things I've heard my whole life dictate how I should be living it.  In this space I've taken time to explore those thoughts and beliefs...but what's more, I can see other people's perspective and lived experience - people who have similar belief patterns to mine from their own experiences. It helps me understand myself better.  I hope it does similarly for you, in that you find what you need here and can learn to challenge your own beliefs. 

[Denali]

Thank you, Rainy and EA for the encouragement. It helps being among people who understand and have been through similar experiences to want to work to change the negative perceptions.

[Moondance]

I can so relate to your post.