I don't know how to accept myself

[LOM]

I have remembered the abuse (and still remembering): mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect.  I have lived my life to excel despite it.  I am not excelling. I am drowning. I don't know how accept what I remember. I don't know how to be me. To really give myself self-care. I really don't know how to keep going other than the hours keep pulling me to the next thing to do before I can escape in sleep.

[Kizzie]

Hi LOM - sorry to hear you are dealing with all the pain of having been abused, it's tough to keep afloat as many of us know     

We have a saying around here that "If you can name it, you can tame it."  Just knowing that you are not crazy or broken, but have a psychological injury called CPTSD can be such a relief and give you energy to begin recovering.  Knowing that none of this was/is your fault and that it is treatable is a good place to start and by being here you have taken that step so kudos  .  It may also be an idea to get into therapy if you're not doing so already.

There's lots of great information and people who get what you dealing with here so please feel free to look around and post any questions.  One book we often recommend is Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and you may want to have a look at his web site too  http://pete-walker.com/.

Glad you found your way here LOM and hopefully soon you won't feel like you are drowning. 

[tired]

Try doing something intensely physical.  It sounds silly but it might make it easier to think through it all. I find that when I don't get sleep or go out in the cold or experience something physically jarring I somehow snap out of it long enough to figure out something. I guess if I were to create that like by exercising it might be useful. I'm too lazy to do it regularly but when it happens it helps.

There's an answer to your dilemma and you'll think of it. 

[LOM]

It's been over 2 years since I posted this. I'm in therapy and medication to help with the depression and anxiety and I have processed memories as they have come. I'm not drowning anymore but I am still struggling. My present day daily life trigger me all the time. I had really hoped to be some much better so I could be a better wife and mom.

[Blueberry]

Welcome back LOM!     Not that I knew you then, I didn't know OOTS 2 years ago.

to not drowning anymore. IME that's really good progress for 2 years. I still struggle sometimes, I think most of us on here do. It took years for me not to be struggling daily. Some people progress faster, fortunately for them.

I often would like to be progressing faster and becoming better, but healing does take its time. 

[LOM]

Thank you Blueberry. I have seasons that are more triggering than others. I am currently in a constant dissociated and depressed time. I see my therapist next week which I am glad of.