I'm gonna get wrecked tonight [POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING]

[goth_mike]

So it looks like my attempts to "look after myself" a bit better have backfired somewhat.  The less I drink and smoke, the more miserable I seem to get.  I've had one of those days-long-flashbacks which seem to be most of the time.

Without the counterproductive self meds I'll have a day (maybe two if I'm lucky and nothing mildly irritating happens) then will be straight back into a crushing mix of anger, hate, fear and sadness.  Perhaps that is my "natural state" and I'm just born to be a miserable *.

Having allowed emotions back in again it seems there is nothing any good / of any use left in there.  Not enough left to work with.  I'm a *g write off.

I can't cry, and when I do I have no idea what I'm supposed to be remembering.  It feels like I'm just miserable for the sake of it.

The only "progress" made recently is realising that I actually HATE my parents.  Now, those two really did try their best and certainly did a better job than their own folks did.  The only way they failed me was in various subtle ways including infrequent physical violence (for which I have explained to my Mum was, from a child's perspective, an irretrievable breach of trust - explaining that should have made me feel a little easier but it didn't) and a complete lack of emotional connection or support (probably because they don't actually like kids).  But they don't deserve that level of vitriol.

As far as I can tell that does indeed make me a deeply bad person.  I am a complete and utter failure and can't remember a single time I did anyone any good in a meaningful way.  Being upset about how *y I feel isn't going to help.  So with all hope abandoned, I have two choices - either work out whether the door frame is strong enough to hang myself from, or do the only activity I actually seem to enjoy, which is get smashed.  Since getting smashed requires minimal preparation, I'll go for that option.

Got work tomorrow, but I don't care.

[Three Roses]

Back when I was still medicating my feelings with substances, I remember clearly thinking that what I was doing was helpful to me. Turns out that's not so, and continuing to medicate myself just prolonged my pain by keeping me stuck in emotional states that were miserable. And they continued to make me miserable until I started chipping away at the roots of the emotional * that was at the core of my misery.

Then I decided I'd deal with it, and tried to do it alone. That didn't work either.

Now I've had a bit of therapy and plan on going back as soon as I can find a trauma-informed therapist within my HMO. I'm feeling better and better, and I'll tell you it wasn't easy but it was well worth it. And of course without this community I wouldn't have had the strength to do anything at all but continue in my pursuit of misery, because ultimately that's the only thing I was chasing.

Best of luck to you in your journey. Keep posting, keep asking questions - whatever you're going thru there will be someone here (maybe many someones) who can relate. You're cared for, here.

[goth_mike]

Thanks for the compassion, it is very much appreciated.  Please see my "inner child" post from just now - I realised what was making me upset this evening.  So good to hear that some humans do give a * when it feels like no-one else does.

I am well aware that all I'm doing is putting it off for another day, but I just couldn't cope this time.  It's amazing how just as quickly as these feelings start (out of nowhere it seems) they can be instantly "turned off" with (so far) three pints, a large glass of very nice scotch (bit of a waste of scotch TBH) and a spliff.  At least I can actually feel emotion now, so I guess that counts for progress (of sorts).

I was in the middle of trying to sort it out myself, but when I started the attempt at "being healthy" I decided not to be harsh on myself for falling back into old habits as it will be inevitable from time to time.  Have managed to cut down a fair bit though!  The substance abuse is one of my major motivating factors for change - I can hit this * pretty hard, and am well aware that on this course I won't have many years left.

It would be a good plan to shop around for a therapist but I just can't afford it!  I'm being taxed up the *, the rent is sky high round here and society is falling apart at the moment, which has an unfortunate effect of making everything more expensive!

Thanks also for the invitation to continue posting, although I feel shameful that I'm just using you all as "sound boards" to bounce my hurt off.  None of you deserve it - I'm used to being the stoic and supportive one day-to-day, and everyone else on here has the same (or more extreme) struggles they are having to deal with.

This journey is only just beginning but * is it one * of a rough ride!

[Blueberry]

Please use us as sound boards! That's what the forum is here for. We do care! Most of us, most of the time. Maybe even all of us. I can'T speak for everybody but just that's my impression. If noone can read far less reply, then noone will. I mean if everybody is so buried in either daily life or healing/anger/pain. IF you were to ever post too much, the mods would send you a friendly message. But that hasn't even happened to me and i post non-stop  so no worries there. (Sorry, Mods)

Also we know on here that it is typical to down-play your pain or your frustration or even your feeling of: I'm having a terrible day. So, you know, it's good to try and overcome that and post! I think more that we bounce ideas off each other here; it can become a kind of cumulative healing session. I'm not the only one who can cheer others on /  see others' progress and tell them that but not see it for myself. It helps me in my healing to tell other people.

[goth_mike]

Thanks again!  I'm auto-censoring most of the time anyway...  But this is the only place where some sort of mutual understanding can be found.  The only friends I have who can relate have dealt with things in their own ways, which often aren't too great.  A man told me last week the Doc had given him 15 years at most without changing his ways and in his words "I'm not changing anything!!".  I don't want that.  There must be more.

Speaking of which:

"one pint two pint three pint four.  Five pint six pint seven pint more!!"  This is so *g wrong.

I've been * at work recently having been rediscovering that which could no longer remain hidden.  Sad the rest of the world has to hear about it too.  Have been thinking of telling my boss, without being too specific, that recent ineptitude (although I've still earned high praise for doing my usual technical miracle work, which I should be proud of but somehow can't) was due to "unspecified" mental health difficulty, but am way too scared.  I know he wouldn't understand but would he even try?  Seems like a sound enough chap from a distance.  But this situation is so delicate a the moment I can't risk anything which may jeopardise it.  If I lose my "independence" and by inference have to move back in with the folks, life will be over one way or another.

A "dark night of the soul" this truly is.  I never guessed letting my feelings back in would present this many challenges!  Well the beer tells me I've survived everything else I can survive the streets too is I need to!  There's so many things which are so hard to hang onto which I need!  Oh * I thought the drinking would stop the worry.  But I absolutely WILL NOT RETURN to non-feeling.  That was too easy but yet so destructive.

Things would appear to have entered a "sink or swim" scenario.  I really need professional help here (caveat: from the right person - all I've seen so far have insisted I "pull myself together" before being worthy of help - what a *g joke!) :'-(

[Three Roses]

But that hasn't even happened to me and i post non-stop   so no worries there. (Sorry, Mods)

No worries!!  

We're with you, Mike. Have you tried checking out the Healing Porch? The imagery there is very soothing. You can bring whatever you like and borrow my treehouse. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.msg55769#msg55769

[goth_mike]

Well I got pretty hammered last night and forgot to eat anything before crashing at about 2am.  However, this time the booze etc. did not actually kill the sensations.  It seems somewhat less useful than it was before.  Amazingly no hangover so my progress to work this morning was unimpeded.

I 'aint givin' up that easily.

Will give in to the compulsion this evening though, I'd feel overwhelmed trying to change too much at a time otherwise.  Will not get *faced for a while after this persistent FB passes though...

[Three Roses]

Have you looked at Pete Walker's steps for EF management? Helpful info here -  http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

But if you can't resist medicating, go hang out in my virtual treehouse. Good stereo system up there, too, and lots of music to choose from both angry and mellow. Or, there's a firepit at the Healing Porch, where you might stumble on some good company, too.

[goth_mike]

Yes indeed, I spent a while in your tree house the other day!  The 13 EF management steps are certainly useful and using those over the last couple of months has meant I no longer let the various critics go on their traditional rampage, which used to result in a spiralling downward which would stretch out the FB for days (sometimes weeks).  They still catch me unexpectedly, but through knowing what's actually going on and using Pete Walker's steps they can generally be overcome over a couple of days.  My attitude re-adjustments to pretty much everything (at the moment) are still a work in progress though!

[Three Roses]

Hey, feel free to build your own treehouse it stake a claim to a spot on the Healing Porch

[Blueberry]

Wow! That is some treehouse, 3Roses!