Transference and dealing with deepseated betrayal and abandonment

[periwinklesquid]

Hey there!
Still pretty new here, posting to the correct forum this time!

I wanted to ask about people's experiences overcoming those deep, deep wounds of betrayal and abandonment. I had the worst breakup nearly 4 months ago from a whirlwind romance with someone who clearly wanted me deeply but could not handle intimacy or believe I could love them, so tested and abused me on it. They didn't want to get better, just wanted control. This equalled smashing me to pieces, and the hardest part is I let them.

This reflects strongly with the betrayal of my family, I needed love and support through a rape, I needed help and support through school, my childhood, and I was repeatedly blamed, attacked, lied to, promised things would change, and then betrayed further. My Dad tried to abandon me physically when I was 11, he emotionally abandoned me frequently from as long as I could remember, and once again did it after 10 years of therapy whilst proudly announcing "I don't talk about you in therapy", This was sprinkled with moments of care and affection, where I felt seen and cared for, which lead me to keep trying until 1 year ago. He parentified me to listen to his problems and love him where his own family didn't.

My mother was emotionally absent 90% of the time, the remainder she was either smothering/angry/abusive/whining about how difficult things were for her whilst belittling my difficulties and attempts to get emotional support whilst parentifying me also.

I also just got involved with a guy who in person is warm, gentle and interested (but has issues with alcohol and childhood abuse himself) but is distant or absent over text for prolonged periods of time. Quite an extreme hot and cold experience. I suspect I need to end this and soon before major feelings get involved.

My friendship group has decayed to one daily contact (who is himself recovering), and 3-5 friends who I can talk to varying degrees but are so busy with their lives that the frequency of time they can give me is limited. I've taken time off work because my PTSD/flashback symptoms had gotten to all time extreme and I wasn't coping with myself let alone the work (it involved a lot of mental work and precision).

I'm the most isolated I've ever been, though the most together in years as I have therapy, I've been open with my GP, I'm taking steps to build new friendships, I'm meditating daily multiple times (cannot recommend it enough), trying out new groups with limited success (I get triggered and don't usually have a place to retreat to cry), doing daily yoga, trying to draw and write everyday, and trying to learn how to take proper care of myself. I've dabbled with self-administered EMDR which appears to help somewhat with some very difficult memories, particularly the invasive ones about my ex and his betrayal, but it doesn't seem to help with the underlying feeling of dread and abandonment.

I'm doing a lot of inner child/teenage work, mostly involves me loosely letting my mind wander through associations and crying out what I feel whilst trying to stay grounded in my body talking to that child/girl and trying to re-imagine the scene with me there with her and attempting to give her what she needs.

My sleep has improved, I'm more present in the room, I'm more playful, I'm more consciously fearful but can manage it more.

The damn nightmares are awful, and that feeling of dread is ever present now, if more manageable. I was wondering if anyone has had some success in truly releasing that feeling of being worthless, unlovable or that I will be abandoned? I'm working tirelessly to never abandon or betray myself now. I'm trying to be attentive to my needs and to be present in my body. I'm reading too to try and learn what techniques work best with cPTSD (Pete Walker's great, but I've found I need more, so the Body Keeps Score has been an eye opener).

Any other suggestions, hope? My heart hurts most days, less so than it did before, but the loneliness and the pain is immense. I recover new and more intense memories everyday, which I see as progress, but it's so painful and challenging. I can see possibilities open to me, but I don't want to feel so let down anymore. Is this unrealistic?

[Bmaia73]

Thank you for your post. I'm new to this site and it's so helpful to read others going thru a similar experience. From what I read, you are doing so much already, meditating daily, yoga and other things...I've been listening to a lot of Mindfullness stuff, like videos, it's helpful to keep me present or try anyway. I think the hope can come in meditating on the fact that what you give yourself is enough. It's enough because a lot of people have a hard time doing even one of those things on your list on a daily..you've been they so much and manage to keep trying. The fact that you do that is a testement to your deep desire for peace, and belonging.. and even though you may not be wheewbyiu would like... what if it was enough to say I'm ok w that. For me the deep deep pain, finds relief when acknowledging the pain, I talk to the pain and I nurture it as I would a child who was hurt (guess that's more child work) but in a different way beciase it's here and now.. I love my pain... not like I love that I experienced all those bad things or I love having it, but its there and it's real and so I'm going to love every part of it. Instead of abandoning it, like I physically and emotionally was. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you. I wish you all the peace and love possible. Mostly I wish peace and hope to all the places deep deep within you that hurt the most... even if pain exists there, hope lives there too!

[deptofhearts]

hi! what a lot of hard work you've done thus far in the light of everything, great brave stuff. quite amazing. but I understand your feelings of abandonment and betrayal - its a deep root, and having a parent who parentified you (me too, I had that) leads too long standing confusion, the attachment gets 'disorganised" as you never know when the caregiver is going to be caring in a healthy way or if you'll have to put your needs on hold in great hope it'll be different next time.  I don't have any big ideas for you but thought to write and say I am standing with you and applaud your process to healing, you deserve a good safe love, and do feel good and OK about kicking to the curb anyone who doesn't give you that.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you, as I know all too well the feelings of deepseated betrayal and abandonment from FOO. In the last months the topic keeps coming up in therapy, the way I feel my F betrayed me in my childhood and later. It really hurts.

So sorry your FOO wasn't there for you, instead grooming you to be there for them. It's so backwards.