To Forgive or not to Forgive

[Kizzie]

Should we forgive our abuser(s) or not?  Here are a few articles to help you think about the issue.

"Why Forgiveness Isn't Required in Trauma Recovery: Imposing Forgiveness can be Problematic in Trauma Treatment."  (Feb 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202202/why-forgiveness-isn-t-required-in-trauma-recovery

"Why We Don't Always Have to Forgive" (Sept 2019) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/romantically-attached/201909/why-we-dont-always-have-to-forgive

"5 Reasons Why Trauma Survivors Shouldn't Forgive" (May 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202205/5-reasons-why-trauma-survivors-shouldn-t-forgive

"How Forgiving Others Helps You to Restore Your Own Humanity" (Dec 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-forgiving-life/202210/how-forgiving-others-helps-you-to-restore-your-own-humanity

"How to Practice Forgiveness" (Dec 2022) - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/a-shared-existence/202212/how-to-practice-forgiveness

[natureluvr]

I've read one of the articles. 

I think one of the issues is in how different people define forgiveness. 

To me, forgiveness just means that I'm not going to go out and seek vengeance on my abusers.  It does not mean that I have warm and fuzzy feelings towards me abusers.  It does not mean I will go back and have a relationship with them.  (I'm no contact my my abusers).  I've had a great deal of rage and anger to process from the abuse, which was multilayered, from several people in my FOO (family of origin), and went on for many years.  So, there was and is a lot to process. Sometimes, I feel sorry for them, and other times, I feel quite angry at them.  Gradually, the anger is decreasing, which is wonderful for me. 

When I was in the 12 step groups and ever expressed anger about my abuse, I was told that I had a resentment, and that I was drinking poison, and that I needed to let that resentment go.  It's a good thing I'm away from that system, because hearing that wasn't helpful, and it just reinforced shame and guilt for me.  Working through the anger and expressing it in a safe way, has been the most helpful thing for me in my healing.

[Moondance]

I like your definition of forgiveness Natureluvr - thank you!

In some ways I think I have forgiven but not all of the abusers.  It comes in and goes out in waves for me.

I agree that when I feel forced or that I feel I should forgive because of someone else's beliefs or before I am ready I have a block.  Between some 12 step groups and some Christians,  I feel I was further traumatized  by not respecting that I wasn't remotely  ready at that time to forgive.  For me forgiveness has to come naturally as opposed to being forced, pressured or another should on my long list of shoulds and not even because it's the right thing to do.  Of course it's the right thing to do but if I'm not ready and it may damage me further by not being ready what is the point? For example if my body is so tense yet from the trauma itself it would only began exercise really, words.  I'm not sure that I am expressing what I'm thinking.  Maybe just that we need to be gentle with ourselves.  Maybe I need to forgive myself first?

[NarcKiddo]

Perhaps forgiveness is relinquishing all hopes and expectations as regards the abuser, together with dislodging them and their effects from ourselves. Perhaps the ultimate aim is simply to turn them into nothing. To give them no emotional bandwidth whatsoever. I certainly don't think it requires one to be nice to them. I think it is possible to forgive an abuser long after they have died, so clearly that would not entail any sort of interaction with them.

[Kizzie]

Working through the anger and expressing it in a safe way, has been the most helpful thing for me in my healing.

Pete Walker is fairly adamant that recovery requires you get angry (in a safe way) and I think he's correct although it's such a hard thing for some of us to do because we've been taught anger results in punishment/rage/pain..., that we are selfish, wrong....

[Blueberry]

My long-term trauma T thinks I need to take back my anger too, which I have been doing. He says my suppressing anger and in fact all emotions has suppressed your energy. I've been terribly short of energy all my life, for no physical reasons anybody can find. There are times when I do have more energy than usual, like when I'm not holding back. Or I suppose when I'm allowing my emotions to exist. That doesn't even mean I'm acting on them, it just means I'm allowing them to be instead of shutting more or less everything down from my neck on downwards.

I like your ideas on forgiveness, Narckiddo. I certainly think it has something to do with what takes place within me and not anything to do with those I may eventually forgive.

natureluvr, I actually heard once in a 12 Step group that forgiving oneself was the necessary step, not forgiving others.   For whatever you think you need to forgive yourself for, I presume. Sort of like the counterpart to haranging myself, which I do quite enough of thank-you-very-much, but I have reduced the amount to which I do that. I liked Step 10 when I was still in 12 Steps - noticing in the here and now what mistakes I have made, apologising, making amends and moving on. That could be towards yourself as well. Not suggesting you go back to 12 Steps! I won't go back either.

[Mathilde]

I have forgiven several abusers quite easily. Like the uncle who sexually abused me as a kid.

What he did wrecked my life and this also harmed my family and kid and many others. There were huge consequences. I see that.

But I just never think of him anymore. I told him what he did, as adult, that I forgave but went no contact. He apologised. I heard he had felt genuinely sorry and deeply ashamed. That was enough. I felt the anger for a short while. But I felt no need to express it. He felt enough shame. From what I had heard. I asked his side of the story once. Interestingly he told me how horrible his life had been, but never asked about mine.

I disconnected. I feel nothing for or against him. I would not want to see him. Neither would I be uncomfortable if I did.

My nuclear family and myself though...I have a hard time forgiving. They literally drove me crazy and to near suicide with their scapegoating. Their manipulation. My mental health problems caused me to not be able to be there for my kid, even if I tried hard. I blame myself and my parents/brothers for that. What makes it hard is that I love them more, and I cannot disconnect. My kid is with them. And I obviously cannot disconnect from myself, and the intimate knowledge of my mistakes.

I think organic forgiveness helps a ton...but forced? Or in an unsafe situation? Not so much.